Thursday, November 2, 2017

Getting back to life...

Trying to settle in since the trip has been an adjustment... If you have never traveled overseas, it isn't just a cultural change, even though that was short, but the time change was really big for me for some reason... And now a week later I am finally feeling physically better, other than the fact that I think I am coming down with a cold... Now it's time to pay off the trip I just took all while facing holiday merriment that is coming our way in less than 2 months now...

It's crazy to think that Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away and Christmas is right behind it... If I had really planned I could have taken care of Christmas while in Paris, but that would have probably required buying another suitcase to bring stuff back in, instead of a cute shoulder bar with a zipper... So now the planning begins, usually by now I have a bunch of things done but this year I just don't know if I am up for it... Emotionally, mentally, I don't know if I want to go to all the work of decorating when it is just Mom and I and the occasional rare visitor... 

I remember going through these feelings when my Dad went to heaven 19 years ago... The no desire to decorate, to just let things go and be business as usual... Maybe I will change my mind by Thanksgiving... or maybe we will just forgo the decorations... Besides, Christmas isn't about all of the decorations or the tree, it's spending time with those you love and celebrating Christ's birth...

Maybe if we spent more time focusing on each other and our gift of time and less on how much we can spend, the Holiday Season would feel different for all of us... Maybe if I focus on giving more of myself, I will find what I need to fill this gap...


Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Did someone say Adventure - Day 2

I had the most extraordinary opportunity thanks to one of my life long friends... As I had mentioned in my previous post I was jetting off to Paris, France and now I am home and have had a few days to ponder the trip and kind of absorb everything I saw and experienced...   I could go on about specifics about walking up and down stairs and riding the metro and all of the different sites we saw along the way but there was one moment in particular that kind of sat me down, both figuratively and literally...

On our second day of the trip the weather was less than ideal... in fact the sky decided it was going to let lose on us and keep us pretty much wet for most of the day... Now not only was it cold but it was wet and these are less than ideal conditions to walking anywhere... But we weren't going to let anything stand in our way... We made our way through the city until we found the Cath├ędrale Notre-Dame de Paris... To go from seeing it animated in Disney's Hunchback to seeing it live and in person was quite spectacular... The line to enter wound back from the door a few hundred yards and we joined the end... 


As we slowly moved forward the details of the carvings all over the building became clearer and clearer... Even more impressive and more beautiful... As we finally made it inside we walked past a counter selling small prayer beads and crosses, along with other items. I removed my wet poncho prior to stepping into the Sanctuary as to not drip all over the place. Despite the differences in the way we worship God, I felt a certain peace wash over me when I entered, a peace I haven't felt in sometime... We walked down the side to see all of the gorgeous Stained glass windows, statues and art that was on display... Aside from people muttering to each other, talking was at a minimum to show respect for those praying in the center pews... 

At one point it must have gotten to noisy because a loud Shhhhhhh, was broadcast over the sound system reminding people to be silent... After a few more minutes of photos I felt this urge to sit... To sit and be still... So I found a seat and did just that... I sat, and it wasn't like I had a huge spiritual moment, or I heard an audible voice telling me to do something incredible, but I just felt peace... I felt a calm and I just sat and took it all in...

I know I needed this moment, I am not sure why, but I know in my heart of hearts I just did... Sometimes when you feel that peace you just need to sit and be still... Then take a moment and enjoy the beauty around you...


Saturday, October 21, 2017

Did someone Say Adventure - Day 1

I am about to embark on an incredible journey... I am so excited and nervous and I don't think scared just everything all at once... That feeling I had almost 17 years ago when I was getting ready to take my first trip down to Florida for the 1st time except this time it is across the Big Blue...

I am finally getting to live out a dream to travel outside the country and my first trip is to one of the most romantic cities in the world, Paris... One of art and food and wine and of course Disney!

While I am sad that I won't be sharing this experience with the BFF first hand this time or my Mom who is helping make this trip possible, I am sharing it with one of my oldest and dearest Sister friends and without her we wouldn't even be going... I am so grateful that she texted me all of those months back and asked ab out me having a passport and encouraging me to get mine...

I am ready for my adventure now...

More to come...

@musicsongbird73 on Instagram

Nancee M. on Yelp

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Surviving the Storm ... Part 5

Sometimes the hardest part of Surviving the Storm is when you are going head first through it and you aren't sure what the outcome will be... I have faced so very many storms in my life... Like the emotional storms of losing all 4 of my grandparents, my cousin Jana, my Dear Sweet Dad and now my friend Nick... To the mentally and physically debilitating storm of sexual abuse I survived... To the actual storms I have survived, whether it's been a car accident or a tropical storm, or the end of a friendship, or the end of a job; I have survived that storm...

"In the Eye of the Storm"

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Surviving the Storm... Part 4

Today was supposed to be a great day from beginning to end but sadly it didn't begin that way... I woke up like any other except that today a new journey was beginning for me... My 2nd decade working at the Most Magical Place on Earth was going to begin and I knew there was going to be a "Surprise" Celebration for me... I was so exited that I took my shower and got ready and headed into work...

But when I got there the mood quickly changed... My co-worker immediately asked me if I had seen my friends Facebook post and when I had said no, I began to scroll and then all of the air went out of me... A young man that I had worked with since I started, had lost his life at the hands of another person yesterday... At first it didn't seem real... I went completely numb and then I looked at my co-worker / Friend and I just started crying... How can this happen to someone so young? To anyone at all? What would drive someone to did this to another human being?

The morning passed in a bit of a blur between bouts of tears and then calmness where I would chat about my upcoming "Surprise" Anniversary celebration that I knew nothing about... After lunch I was calm enough to speak to my leader and let him know why I was not my normal self and he even let me know that if needed to postpone my "Surprise" Celebration, everyone would understand... But I knew the best thing for me and the rest of us that knew this young man was to continue on...

Despite knowing about the party I was surprised and delighted when I walked in the room to see former team members and leaders there that came to support and celebrate along with me... It was also my pleasure that my Magical Twin was there and we celebrated her as well so it made it twice as special... After we received our plaques, cards and service pins; we took photos and ate cake... Then it was time to chat and this gave those of us that knew what had happened the day before a chance to talk about it and grieve together as a family who lost a brother...

I may struggle and stress over my job from time to time and consider what it would be like to leave and do something else, but it is times like today that remind me how important my Disney Family has been to me over the past 10 years and how important they will remain for the next 10...

Thank you for allowing me to continue making the magic each and every day...

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Surviving the Storm - Part 3

Not every storm is forecast, sometimes they just come out of no where... The migraines are back with a vengeance... It sounds like a bad B movie but sadly it's true... The thing that I have had some semblance of control over with medication for the past few years, is no longer being controlled by my prescription... On average I am suffering from migraines at least twice a month now, when I was going months without one... This is not a good thing...

If you have never suffered from this horrible ordeal, it is like a modern version of a medieval torture device... Imagine have a set of clamps attached to either side of your temples and they are slowly being tightened over time... Then as they are tightened your body temperature goes up and down, going somewhere between the hot and cold sweats which cause boughts of nausea and even closing your eyes and laying down doesn't really help... You just pray for rest so that the pain will go away...

This is what I battle... This is my new storm...

Each of us have our storm... We can't always understand what we each are facing, but we can empathize and stand together...

We can survive our Storms together...

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Surviving the Storm - Part 2

Returning home after the family festivities was a bag of mixed emotions... The long week spent enjoying time with family, but constantly feeling a mixture of guilt and concern over what was happening in our home and around florida to our friends and neighbors since Irma had past... We already knew that we had been without electricity from Sunday until the following Friday... And we also knew that the roads leading to our home were flooded in both directions, thankfully the day prior to our arriving home, which was Monday, my best friend was finally able to drive through the slowly dropping water safely and get to our house, without having to wade through it and possibly have to defend himself from critters that may be lurking beneath... (I wish I was kidding)

When we got home we were greeted by little furry faces staring and meowing at the door, anxious to snuggle and tell us all about the scary moments while we were away... Upon opening the front door, I was smaked in the face with the smell of must and stale air... I immediately went and kicked the a/c down and turned on ceiling fans to get the air circulating again...

Once I said my hellos to the babies, I got the car unloaded and then I did a walk around the house so I could see for myself the state of where we were at... Just as reported, no major damage and I could rest at ease.  We still were looking at water in the street and it was precarious driving through it but on the up side there were county workers running a water pump trying to get the water to go down...

Readjustung to being home and having to get everything cleaned up and cleaned out has taken sometime... When I told my friends I felt guilty for now being here they laugh, but then they said understood... This was definitely a huge learning moment for mom and I because we rode out the last storm a year ago at home, which turned out to be nothing more than horrible winds, thankfully... But when there is a next time, we will be seaking shelter at a hotel, with the babies in tow, because you never know what could happen next time... Some homes in our neighborhood weren't as fortunate as we were... They lost their rooves, their car ports, etc... Not just their electricity and some food in the refridgerator...

It has been almost a month at this point and we still haven't fully refilled our fridge, but I think we are just being smarter with our money and what we buy for now... And not all of the debris is cleaned up around the neighborhood yet, all of these things take time... I don't even know if I am totally cleaned up inside from it yet, but I am trying...

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Surviving the Storm - part 1

Two weeks ago this morning, after battoning down the hatches and snuggling my kitties, I began my journey north to meet up with my Mom for my nephews wedding and to take refuge from Irma... Of course when we had planned our trip in January, Irma was never a part of the picture...  This was a huge trip for me... I had taken smaller trips alone before, from the STL to Kansas City or Orlando to St. Augustine, but never a 17 hour trip through 6 States (Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Illinois and Missouri)...

This was supposed to be a fun trip where I left after work on Monday and stopped in the Atlanta area to sleep and then continued my journey on Tuesday to meet up with my Family on Wednesday... Well, Irma had other plans... Before I knew it, Mom was on her flight as planned, and then my Super hero Bestie and I were getting the house ready to face the largest hurricane Florida had ever faced... As I drove all I could think of were my friends and "family" that would soon be facing Irma's rath... I found comfort in hearing from friends that would chat with me during the first leg of my journey... My only regret was not stopping enough because upon arriving at my hotel I was in so much physical pain it hurt to walk... So it was an ibuprophen induced sleep after a visit to Whole Foods to find distilled water, the one item I left behind at home...

The next morning I got my stuff together after an amazing night sleep in the Alpharetta Holiday Inn... And headed down for my delicious free breakfast... Yep gonna totally name drop here because this was probably my most favorite place to stay... I will definitely find a reason to stay here at this location again... The ladies at the front desk were so nice and so sweet when I checked in exhausted the afternoon before... I wish I would have written down their names because in the 3 hotels, of the same chain, I stayed in during my entire trip, they are the only ones that actually gave their names and said that if there is anything you need during your stay, let us know... The most comfortable besds, nicest most spacious room and beautifully clean hotel... Fantastic...

So now I was back on the road again... And I was in Tennessee and out and back in... And heading towards Nashville when traffic diverted me around the center and all of the sudden I see the signs for Opryland and I think, A - maybe I could get a picture of the Grand Ole Opry and B - I really need a pit stop... So I pop in the directions for the Grand Ole Opry and head for my first Stop of the Day...

When I pulled in to the lot I was surprised to see it was surrounded by of all things a mall... I don't know why I was that surprised actually but I found the Opry and headed up to see just what it was all about... Out of couriosity I checked out the prices and found the behind the scenes tour was only $26 so I decided to take a break from my travels and take the tour which was departing in just a few minutes... The tour was fantastic, it took you through the history of the Grand Ole Opry and you realize just how small that family and what an honor it truly is to be asked to join... The most moving part of the entire tour was when we stepped out on the Opry stage and we were allowed to step into the famous wooden circle and have our photo taken singing... Some chose not actually sing but if you wanted to you could sing a line so you could say you sang on the Opry stage...

The trip had been pretty emotional for me and still not knowing what was going to happen with our home and friends and my babies (kitties), inside I was an emotional wreck... Then to step onto the Grand Ole Opry stage, one of the most famous stages in the world where some of the greatest musical artists have stood and be told you can sing whatever you want, I was flooded with emotion... To say I totally lost it was an understatement... I quickly shared with the others that I was from Kissimmee and I was torn apart over leaving everyone behind and then another couple shared that they were from Boca and they also understood what I was going through... The sweet photgrapher came and hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes until I pulled myself together... And even though I thought I was going to sing God Bless America, my heart had other plans...

"The sky shall unfold, preparing His entrance...The Stars shall applaud Him, with thunders of Praise... The sweet light in His eyes, shall, They shall enhance those awaiting, and we Shall Behold Him, then Face to Face.... Oh We Shall, Behold Him, Oh We Shall Behold Him, face to face, in all of His glory.... oh We Shall Behold Him.... Yes We Shall Behold Him, face to face... our Savior and Lord....."

The group went from chattering to silence and then I just stepped away from the mic and everything else was a blur until the tour ended... I think that was God's way of telling me everything was going to be OK, I just didn't knowit yet...

I continued on my trip chatting with my middle brother quite a bit and one of my besties... Then I saw it... Metropolis... The home of Superman and I knew I must stop... Where else are you going to see a 2 story statue of the man of steel...  He was larger than life and a beacon for others as well... There were two other families that had stopped as well... They were leaving the south, one returning home from a honeymoon and the other seeking safety from the storm... There was almost an unspoken kinship between us all as we took our photos, wished each other safe travels and then headed our seperate ways...

On the final stretch of my trip I knew I was almost there when I saw a familiar glint in the sky... Past trips "home" have never been so emotional, but I have never really traveled under such circumstances... My brothers had told me to take 255 around the city to avoid all of the downtown craziness but I follwed my gps and I am so glad I did, because that beautiful gateway to the Midwest greeted me towering over the city... My breathe caught and a tear came to my eye as soon as I caught a full glimpse of her... The beautiful Gateway Arch welcomed me Home...

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 26 #JoinMyJourney

Sometimes the best thing you can do is step outside your comfort zone to find out something new about yourself... This weekend I did a little bit of that... Back long ago... That sounds so funny, but it is true... Back long ago when I worked back in the STL, I dressed for work... I dressed for going out... I made a point out of wearing makeup and putting my best face forward always... Silly youth... Or lazy age now... Or possibly I can't always afford paying for my clothes by the yard... but I digress...

Anyways, this weekend I had a bit of a fashionista reawakening you might say due to my nephew's pending nuptials and a semi dressy Yelp event this coming Monday... I remember back in the day when I worked for Lane Bryant and I loved trying on the new clothes when they came in, but that was a good 100 pounds less ago and over 15 years younger ago as well and now trying on clothes is more of a burden than a fashion runway show extravaganza...

During my shopping journey this weekend we traveled to 2 different Torrid's, JcPenney, Macy's and Lane Bryant. Let's just say the 1st and the last were the winning combination and the middle, well just sadness... Without giving too much away about J & M, if you are above a 24, or what they consider to be that size, than just walk on by... Oh and don't expect the clothes to be on trend in their "Womens" lines as they call them or to have attractive prints either unless you enjoy a good rinse and set on Friday morning each week...

From now on, I will stick with Torrid and Land Bryant... The ladies and on occassion, gentlemen that work there are wonderful... They really know how to help find your inner diva and help make an outfit work... Each store was able to help me find an outfit for both of the upcoming events and both outfits are versitle enough to be used afterwards and they are on trend and made me feel good about me, despite being heavier still...

I used to be a shoe person, all different styles and colors and heel hights and than I don't remember what happened and this weekend I found an amazing pair of heels! My 1st in too many years, and hopefully not my last!

I wish I knew all of the lasdies names that helped me, because sometimes all it takes is a little word of encouragement... I felt like I had some fairy godmothers this weekend watching out for me getting me dressed and ready to impress...

feeling beautiful again...

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 25 #JoinMyJourney

It's been a long time since I have stopped and evaluated what is going on and put into words how things are... This summer has been so incredibly busy with emotional highs and lows and my weight has been as well...

Right now we are staring at the high end and sadly I am just three weeks from seeing family but this too shall pass...

Life at the most magical has been a roller coaster ride, changing from Front of House to all Heart of House and taking on different responsibilities of sorts... Helping prepare for the largest festival on property and still managing to stay somewhat sane through it all even though we aren't quite there yet...

I am learning with baby steps on how to handle stress better, and trying not to turn to food as often... But I need to remember that getting off my bum now and then is always a great way to destress, even when it's warm outside... There are air conditioned places I could go and just walk, like the mall... or Target, or Walmart... or I can wait until it starts to cool off and walk around the block...

I guess I just need to find my desire again, because right now, I just kind of have the case of the why bothers... I am feeling complacent and it isn't that I am intentionally over eatting or looking for snacks usually it's that honeslty... I don't really care...

NO, I am not looking for a buddy... I am not looking for someone to come along and inspire me... I just have lost my way for a bit and I will find my way back... It's kind of like when someone quits smoking and they haven't smoked in a few years and something happens and they snap and they just need it. Just for awhile... Then they do what they need to do to quit again...

I am just waiting to get to that point where I am ready to do what I need to do to quit being a lazy arse again... To take charge of what I am eating and get things together...

The other big thing that happened this summer is that we went from 2 cars,  to 1 brand new car... Mom decided that she no longer needed a car after both of our cars ended up at the mechanic within a week of each other... Mine was traded in for a new one and hers was donated... This was 100% her decision and I truly admire her for it...

I remember when I was younger and my Uncles had to make the decision to take the car from my Grandma and how hard it was on everyone... I never wanted to go through that with Mom and so we have always had open conversations about it and we decided that when the time came, it would be her decision... So yesterday we bid her 17 year old Ford Focus a fond farewell...  It was extremely bitter sweet but I know in my heart this was the best choice for us...

Our journey continues...

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 24 #JoinMyJourney

Mom and I ran into a sweet an aquaintance last week that we haven't scene in quite some while and she gave mom some huge compliments on she is looking and then she commented I was looking well as well, even though I don't feel like I am looking that great quite honestly but that is just me... Well she asked how I was doing and I said, I am trying, I am really trying and she said sometimes when you stop trying so hard and just be good to your body good things happen...

So lets all take that advice and start begin better to our bodies... We to try and stop puttin so much garbage into our bodies all of the time, now and then is ok, but not all of the time. I have said it before and maybe I just need to keep reminding myself... I can do this, I can be healthier both inside and out...

Maybe the next time we run into each other, I will start seeing those same changes she is seeing in me as well...

Musicsongbird

Friday, June 2, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 23 #JoinMyJourney

I have been having some internal turmoil over some things I have overheard recently and it just bothered me and I need to vent... I have been at my job for almost 10 years and it still frustrates me to know end when someone makes a comment that they are going to find a "REAL" job or a "GROWN UP" job... I'm sorry? Can someone please explain to me what constitutes either of these "JOBS"? Is the place I go to every day and clock in and earn a living at not really a JOB? Am I required to certain amount of money before it actually means I have a job? Because if that is the case the US government owes me a whole lot of money back in taxes I have paid out for my make believe job. Actually for all of my make believe jobs that I have worked since I was 16 years old.

I know just how the conversation would go:
Um, hi yes IRS person I would like all of my taxes I have paid to the US government back for the past 27 years minus the 2 years I worked that office job but I don't know if that was a real job either because I was just a secretary then...so if you could just find out for me what the definition of a "REAL JOB" is I will happily take whatever taxes back from the make believe jobs I have worked that don't require taxes to be paid on those...

Then after they stop laughing, hopefully they won't have me thrown in an insane asylum or arrested because I am trying to scam the government....

For those of you that have never had to work in customer service, retail, fast food, theme park, hotel and hosptitality or any other job that doesn't pay you a bonus for showing up every day while others work their butts off to make you look good, then consider yourself blessed... But guess what, what I do to earn a living is just as much of a real job as yours is... What would you do if you walked into Moe's and there was no one to yell, "Welcome to Moe's!" Or no one showed up at the gas station to make sure their was gas in the pumps? What if all of these people that work these "non REAL" jobs decided to stay home because they were told their jobs didn't matter?

Thankfully I know better, and I know that my job is a grown up job, I just get to do it in a very magical place, where growing old my be mandatory or growing up is optional... The people that feel as though they need to find what they call a "REAL" job are just feeling like they can't live on what they make or they are waisting their talents. But what they forget is when they make comments like that, it can hurt others around them...

You see, words matter... What you say can hurt so much... And once they are out there you can't take them back... Once they are said there is no erase button, there is no delete... I can delete this blog entry but if you have read it, you will probably remember something of it... I can't remove that from your memory...

It's like people saying I wish my life were different, I'm not who I used to be... None of us are; unless we are still living in the past... We move forward in life and we change, hopefully for the better... We move on to new things... We create new goals and dreams for ourselves... If we don't then we will constantly find ourselves staring in the rear view mirror of life watching what happened in the past... Wishing what could have been... While our life just passes us by...

Stop looking at whats behind you and look for what is infront of you and what is coming... If you don't think the future is bright enough, do something to change it... If you don't like your circumstances... change them...

If you don't like how people talk to you, then stand up for yourself or stay silent and expect the same treatment until you do...

I have my real, grown up job, and it's in a world of fantasy and make believe and I won't change it for anything...thanks IRS for clearing that up... ;)

musicsongbird

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 22 #JoinMyJourney

If you have nver suffered from headaches or any aches and pains in general than count yourself blessed... For those that are plagued with body pain or migraines I feel for you... I too suffer from migraines, not on a regular basis like many friends and family members but on a semi regular basis... Mine are usually brought on by triggers such as food, environment such as too much smoke or other allergans and extreme stress like the one that took over my system yesterday...

What started out as what most would consider just a typical headache quickly excalated in one of the worst migraines I can remember in my entire life... Some may ask what have you been eating? What has the weather been like? But I will tell you that I know that this was 100% a stress powered migraine... I have been carrying around so much stress over the past month that this was sadly inevidilbe for me... I had no other outlet... well probably not true but at the end of every day I was so exhausted that there was no outlet to relieve the stress and it got to the point that my poor body had no other release...

The pain was so excrutiating that it was nearly impossible to even fall asleep... I thought it was going to drive me to the bathroom but nothing would break the pain... I was sweating so bad, I had never expreienced it this intense... I think I fell asleep from sheer exhaustian and awoke after 3 hours...

If you have never had a severe headache, I usually suffer from what I call headache hangover... I feel afraid to eat anything big, I generally stick to toast and water... Sadly this goes on for most of the following day... I just don't feel right...

So if you know someone who sufferes from pain or you are the one that suffers silently, I pray you have support from family or friends because it can be rough... Thankfully I have medication that I take to so I don't have more regular occurances of these horrible happenings... Now I just need to find away to make more time for stress relief for myself, so I don't have to face another day like that...

musicsongbird

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 21 #JoinMyJourney

I wish there was a magic wand that I could wave and all of my mixed emotions would just go away... I guess that is why I got my peace tattoo on my wrist... It isn't magic but it is a good reminder of when I start to feel overwhelmed that I need to try and find peace... Sometimes, I can just stop and look at it, sometimes I simply press it and I just focus on it and pray... There is so much going on with work for me right now and this week especially and I know I am going to really be going to be focusing on it quite a bit... 

The same thing goes for when I become disappointed about something or someone... Try as I may in not feeling sad about something they did or didn't do I try and focus on God's peace and knowing He will get me through it and even though that person may have let me down, God won't ever...

I guess I am just a bundle of emotions right now and need to find my peace...

musicsongbird

Friday, May 12, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 20 #JoinMyJourney

A new day is here and the sun rose and the birds sang and I managed get outside and enjoy the day... We went to a local Blueberry farm and picked fresh blueberries, infact we picked over 9 pounds of them... So I guess my blogging/venting really helped me last night because that wasn't all I did today... I came home and napped afterward... LOL  OK that really isn't any different than most of my weekends but when I got up I wasn'twearing my pajamas... wait a minute... it's not what you think... I wasn't wearing them when I layed down for the nap to start with... Nope, not sounding any better... OK, rewind... What is "normal" around my home is go out for Friday errands and when we come home it out of regular clothes and into pajamas... Well today, I left my regular clothes on and when the nap was over it was up and out the door for groceries and then when we returned home it wasn't into PJs and straight to the couch... Nope, I can hardly believe it myself, but I actually went out and helped do some work in the yard... 

Honestly, I am not sure who I am at this moment or if I am dreaming but I acctually put my laundry in the machine and then grabbed the weed wacker and went out to the yard and started working for a good half hour... Then when all was said and done outside, I came inside and made us breakfast for dinner... We had gluten free blueberry pancakes made with FRESH handpicked blueberries... They were outstanding!

Now as I sit here typing away and look back at the day, I hope I can have many more days like this... Where at the end of the day, I am tired, but good tired and my tummy is full from good healthy things... And my mind is feeling somewhat at peace... 

There are still things going on that I must face, but if I take them a moment at a time, I think it will be that much easier...  If I look at each issue like I take on picking blueberries, I think things will go much better... I know I have your attention... When you reach in to pick from a blueberry bush you have to be very mindful, you don't just rush in and grab everything all at once like when they cut off bundles of grapes... With blueberries you have to pay attention to the color... On one single stem, even in a bundle of  blueberries their can be many berries in various stages of ripening... You could have a blossom that has yet to develop a berry, a white/green one, a green and redish one, a red/blue one or if you get it just right, a deep blue one...  You want to try and pick the darker berries, because like the saying goes, "The darker the berry the sweeter the juice." 

So, if I pay attention to each problem and choose to handle them in the right order and in the right way, I won't get over zealous and end up with a hand full of sour berries... Now is this a fool proof plan? No, because I am only human and even I grab an off color sour berry now and then, but I know right away when I do because I get a bad taste in my mouth and it shows me that I need to change my behavior and be more careful or more mindful when I get off track... 

Before now, no do overs like before, no starting over, we just keep moving forward from where we are... And hope that we learn from our past mistakes or atleast take something with us along the way that will remind us not to repeat those past errors...

musicsongbird

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 19 #JoinMyJourney

Long time no write... Out of town guests and unwanted illness have invaded my life over the past month... Not that I haven't wanted to share but not had the strength from day to day sometimes...Sometimes it's physical strength and sometimes it's honestly mental.... Just making it through work and making it home when you are not feeling yourself is hard enough...

So much has been happening and so much to say, but still feeling like something is holding me back... Part of it is things I can't officially share yet and part of it is I feel like I am repeating things I have written before, the same old same old... The I filled my mind and the page with promises and nowI have failed on those and now I feel like I am just spewing the same thing again about, now here I am at the beginning of a journey...

Well guess what? I started to climb up the hill to better health and I got to a place where I thought I was doing ok and I hit a bump and rolled back down the hill past where I started... Now I am covered in bruises and cuts (all mental) and I am feeling down on myself because I look in the mirror at myself and I see someone looking back at me that I don't like looking at... Even less than I did 3 months ago...

The goal then was to go off Gluten and Night shade. Well that lasted about a month and then visitors came and I happily jumped off the wagon and have been hoping back on and off since never being able to fully jump back on... However, the good thing is that here at home,  we have cut back on starches with our meals and added a LOT more Veggies!!!! And while I have cut downon my bread intake, when I do have I tend to over indulge... So while there are so positives, there are many negatives that are out weighing them...

Now I am not looking for sympathy but more solidarity because there is strength in numbers, and if I know there are others who are struggling in the same manormaybe we can face this together... I have been sick for about 6 weeks or so with sinus issues and what have you and I am still struggling some with breathing but it's getting better and so exercising for any length of time is laborous right now... But the ultimate goal is to get active again...

So whether you are a silent observer or an active part of the conversation, I encourage you to join in on this continuing journey with me... We are here to encourage, not discourage and remember, before starting any kind of health change or exercise program, talk with your doctor!!!

musicsongbird

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 18 #JoinMyJourney

It's been a bit since my last post and I was basically off Gluten except for a few bights here and there... That is until last weeks vacation... Alot of friends were asking how I was feeling and I thought I was doing pretty good, but I wasn't quite sure to what extent... Well I decided since I was on vacation, that meant it was going to be a foodie free for all... Well, guess what... Brain fog came rolling back in, the tiredness creeped back in and my tingly fingers were a little tinglier... I'm not saying it was like I had none of those symptoms and than BAM, they were back... I am saying I noticed a difference in how I felt being off Gluten for a month and then when I was eating it again...

So may be sceptical and that is fine, but I feel like I pay more attention to what my body is telling me now than I did before... I want to be better... I be healthier and have energy and not get migraines, which I ended the week with a mild one...

Now on to something else that has been laying on my heart for a few weeks and I need to get rid of it so I can move on... I will sane in my life that may it now and than that is that... I had a situation a few weeks ago where so one thoughtlessly said something to me that really hurt me... It hurt me on so many levels but most of all because this person is very close to me and they don't think what they said is wrong... And they are unappologetic for it... But I will forgive them regardless because it's who I am and I love them enough to do so... And I refuse to carry this around any longer...

I won't go into detail as to why they said what they said but in the end, they retorted with, "Well, you aren't a Parent." At that point I stopped them and made a few points, which I will not share the privacy of that moment but I will share this... People that use that phrase need to seriously think before they ever speak... Those are some of the most hurtful things in the world a person can say depending on the recipient... And at the point in time, it tore my heart out and I will admit it still hurts thinking about it... You see, I do bring up the fact that I was molested as a child from time to time, but the older I get the more I realize what that truly does to diffrerent people... And when this person i love very much said that too me, it brought up so many things in my life that I thought I had already dealt with...

Some people that have battled the memories of abuse go from one relationship to the next, hoping to fill that space that the person took from them... The innocence they stole... For me, I built a wall around myself... I used food to build my body up as a shelter, so that no one would find me attrative or appealing and that way I could avoid contact... To avoid intamacy... Being around certain men still make me extremely nervous, I don't know why, it's my bodies natural reaction... Internally I feel like cowering away... Does this sound like a person ready to jump into bed and make a baby???

You see, I may not have ever given birth, but I have helped raise a child or two in my life... I have hundreds of "babies" through work that call me their Mama... Actually 10 years worth... I have even received a mother's day card or two, and not just from my 5 cats...

So yes, I forgive them...

musicsongbird

moving forward...

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 17 #JoinMyJourney

So it has been over a month now and I have to say, going Gluten-free isn't the hardest thing in the world to do, but it also isn't the easiest... I think the hardest thing through all of this is giving up night shade veggies... Tonight was a very unsuccessful night for that... I ate tomatos and peppers and if I pay some sort of price for it, it was worth it... I hope...

The easy part of being gluten-free is the home side of it... It's easy to eliminate eatting it at home... The hard part is when you go out, or just leave home in general, unless you bring your own food with you... I totally feel for people that have a severe allergy...

The other hard part about going gluten-free is the police... Now I don't meant he kind that carry a badge and a gun and give out tickets...  I mean the well meaning friends and family that feel as though they need to watch everything that you put in your mouth as if you aren't already reading labels yourself... And believe me... I have had words with a few... As much as I appreciate it, I am so sorry to anyone I have policed in the past... It's NOT NICE!!! If I ask for your help it is one thing, but if I don't, then just STOP!!!

Keep in mind, I am going gluten-free to see if I truly feel better... I am trying to eliminate several things right not but my body is out of wack right now and I am not sure what is helping and what isn't. So until I am truly 100% clean of whatever items, I'm not going to really know how I am feeling... Plus, stress is a huge factor I need to learn to deal with better as well...

So, eliminating glute, night shades and limiting stress are things I am working on... So more updates are soming, and more blogs as well... Not to exciting tonight, but it's a start...

Be Happy!
Musicsongbird

Friday, February 10, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 16 #JoinMyJourney

So we are officially 10 days in on the Gluten-free life and it hasn't really been that bad to be perfectly honest... I have friends that have been living GF for some time and I get mixed feelings from them on it... Some say it is super difficult and others say it isn't that bad... Well, if you just make the deicision to keep a positive poutlook on it and just know that no matter where you go to eat, you will more than likely be able to find something you can consume, you are ok... Now, I am only speaking for those of us that are going to GF for a chance to see if this is a means to a better life... Meaning, I am going to feel better over all... I am not speaking for those that are allergic or suffer from celiac disease... I am also NOT a doctor or a nutritionist... I am only speaking from my own personal experience...

My Mom and I have really just been tracking how we have been feeling physically and emotionally because like I have said before, both are closely tied... I have personally been on an emotional roller coaster this week but I don't think that has anything to do with the food and everything to do with stress... With that aside, I haven't been as tired as I normally am, I don't feel like a nap is as neccessary and I have in the past... In fact, Mom and I have been running around all day today shopping, hunting down didn't gluten-free products among other things and usually by the time we roll into the neighborhood we are both ready for a marathon snooze... Not today, we went outside and Mom watered her plants, I carried out some extra jugs for her, and now I am getting ready to make dinner and afterwards, I am taming myself out on a Date!

Doing a little something just for me!  Like I have said before... I don't know if it's the more concetrated attack on paying attention to our eating or the omission of gluten and a few other items, but I am already feeling Stronger!!! I haven't noticed a physical change yet, but I fully expect it...

Sometimes all you can do is take a giant leap of faith and know that you will land on solid ground...

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 15 #JoinMyJourney

I am feeling so good today... I don't know if it's psychosomatic or if it's really because we have been eating differently with this elimination life choice, I hate the D word, but I am noticing I am  more energetic throughout the day...  Now it's a matter of waiting... Waiting to see if the numbness in my hands subside... Waiting to see if the swelling in my fingers lessen...  Waiting to see if my weight goes down, which in turn will help with the joint pain I am experiencing... Also if my sensitivity i have to touch and my emotional sensitivity I have been experiencing as well...

Everything within us is connected... So you are reading this saying, yes of course it is, the skeletal system, the nervous system, digestion, etcetera... But it goes beyond that... You hear the term garbage in, garbage out... That applies to our bodies in so many ways... If we intake food that is bad for us, so for me, it's the food my food is considering toxic, like gluten for instance; if I am consuming it then I am going to feel sluggish and run down and basically my nervous system is going to be hyper sensitive to the world around it... So if I put good things in my body like lean proteins and veggies that are on my good list, then I will feel better and have more energy and less pain... Hooray!

Now the same thing goes for our mental health... If I am constantly living in a negative mental state... I am working in a stressed filled envioronment, where I never ask for help to ease the burden; or I am always looking at things from the negative and never try to look at the positive of things, then all I am ever going to give off is negative... I am going to have a much harder time finding happiness in my life and an unhappy stressful life can cause a lot more sickness in your life than you even realize...

Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is walk away from a negative relationship, but the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to walk away... If you are constantly being goaded into things someone or by others just so they can get a reaction from you, that isn't a healthy relationship... It's physically, emotionally and mentally draining... Not to mention, it gets really old really fast... So I know as I continue this journey, I will be walking away from people I once called friend, but for me, I have to be healthy, I only have this life, I don't get a second chance and I have to stop wasting it on frivolis arguments that in the light of eternity, don't really matter...

I just want to be healthy...

Musicsongbird

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 14 #JoinMyJourney

So we are 4 days into a new month and a new eating plan in our household... My mom has been living with fibromyalgia for sometime and I have shown many of the symptoms so we have decided to start following the recommendations that many medical professionals are making for those that live with this condition...

So the items we are going to do away with for now and see how our symptoms improve are Gluten, Night Shade plants and added sugars... We know many people eliminate caffeine and dairy but we don't eat a huge amount of dairy since we switched to almond milk years ago and we usually only have one cup of coffee a day at the most or iced tea if we have any.... I already stay away from artificial sweetners because they are the one of migraine triggers... It's pure sugar, agave or honey for me...

So the reason I bring up the artificial sweetner is this... I know so many people who are headache or migraine sufferers and they don't know why... You really need to pay attention to what happen prior to the onset... What did you eat, where were you at and who were you around? I have had them triggered by a change in the weather, in altitude when traveling from St. Louis to Wisconsin and there was a huge barometric weather change... Am I having a hormonal chage? But the biggest one lately was from food choice...

When you know you have certain things you shouldn't be eating, like artifical sweetner, you have to realize it comes with different names... You have to be wise and do your home work... For so long I was always looking for phenylenaline... But now they have gotten a little sneakier and this is where I got tripped up... I thought I was doing really well when I started eating Greek Yogurt because of the good bacterias and what not and then I thought, well this brand is only 80 calories, so this must be REALLY good... The headaches didn't start right away but after a week or two of eating this "Light" Yogurt I was feeling groggy at my desk mid morning and I started getting frequent headaches... Then almost a month ago I woke up one morning with the worst migraine I had had in years, and what is truly scarey is that I am on prescription medication to prevent these from happening...

It took me almost a month and many more headaches to finally look at the label on one of the yogurts to realize that a few words into the ingredients, it said Sucralose... This is an artifial sweetner that is not able to be digested by the body and that makes it noncaloric and that is why many companies use it to make many items "Light"... So now I am being an even more avid label reader...

If you hvae never had to worry about what you put in your body, count yourself blessed... If you do as I do then know my heart is with you... Also know we are in this together, one bite at a time!

musicsongbird

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 13 #JoinMyJourney

It's been sometime since my last post and I have like so many others screwed any resolutions I had made to myself so now it's just me being me again and back to where I started... Feeling a little more broken than before. Feeling tired, feeling defeated and just not sure which direction to go next...

Don't worry, Mom knows what is going on... She is helping me with this new battle, we are fighting it together... We think we know what may be causing some of my issues, the cause of my present mental state and we are praying that path we are chosing is one that will lead us to the answers... Maybe even the answers to some other questions that I can share later on, but for now I ask for your Prayer and happy thoughts as I begin a quest if you will to get out of this fog I am currently drifting through...

Some are probably thinking what is this all about? Well, for the past month or two I have just not been feeling like me... I have gained all of the weight back that I lost, my mood behind the mask, if you will, is a roller coaster. It's almost as if I don't take a happy pill... I have no motivation to do the things I used to love to do... It's hard to talk to people about it because I am the strong one, the life of the party... But it's so hard to be all of that when I feel shattered inside...

I know I need to get back into the habit of Bloging because I feel like it is my voice and I know it helps, even if only a few are reading...

Until my next blog... be nice to each other and care for each other...

Musicsongbird