Monday, December 26, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 12 #JoinMyJourney

It's been exactly a week since my last post and I know I said I was going to blog daily and my plan is to continue in that vein, but sometimes life gets in the way... emotions mostly get in the way... My emotions for Christmas got in the way this year... From the outside world, everyone would probably assume everything was pretty hunky dory aside from the minor stress during Holiday Party week or Toys for Tots wrap up week, but not so...

I know I usually share my world; the good, the bad and the atrocious; but this time I concealed alot... A few weeks ago my family lost a friend back home that I have known for most of my life... He has been sick for quite some time but it really sadened me that Mom and I couldn't be there to pay respects to our friends... He was part of the person I am now...He was a fantastic musician, he made great blaffles (waffles that overflow the waffle maker), great friend and neighbor...

I don't know what exactly happened, but Christmas just felt different to me this year... Maybe I am getting older, maybe it's because we were home last year, but it just didn't feel right... We put up the decorations, Mom made cookies and treats for friends... I guess I just am not feeling the wonder of this time of year like I have in the past...

This year has been such a year of tragedy and loss followed by union and pride; only to be turned around again towards anger and bitterness, it's no wonder Christmas doesn't feel right...

The one glimpse of hope, the one  bright star of this whole Holiday weekend occured when Mom and I were enjoying a late Christmas Eve dinner at Denny's and our sweet server sat us at the 1st table near the door and we both order almost identical orders aside from our drinks; and when we were ready to check out our server stepped over with out check and told us that the table near the window that had left a few minutes prior to us had paid for our meal and wished us a Merry Christmas... We wish we could have thanked them, we wish they could have seen the tears in my eyes letting them know just how much their kidness blessed my heart...

This was Christmas... This is something I was missing... Did it fix everything? No, but it's a start... I know I need to mourn my friend... I know I need to talk things out and get past these feelings I am having because releasing them is the only way I can move forward and enjoy things to their fullest again... But for now, please excuse me while I slip back behind my mask and smile...

musicsongbird

working on me...

Monday, December 19, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 11 #JoinMyJourney

Little things over time can build up...Both good and bad... And if we hold them in too long they have a way of escaping... Usually the good things aren't so explosive but the bad things can come out in different forms... Underlying anger, snarky behavior, loss of temper, silent treatment to others, even sickness... Yep, when Kelly Clarkson said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, She wasn't refering to burried anger...

Burried hurts and anger just make you hurt more... They make you less trusting to others and of others; and quitly frankly make you not fun to be around...

In my life I have carried around a lot of anger at times, mostly in the past but I have in the not so distant past as well, and I have learned that when you carry that hurt and pain around with you and you don't dig it out, it will fester and make you miserable because it just wants to consume you...

We all know people that just seem like they are miserable all the time and the only time they seem happy is when they are making others miserable as well... All I can say is don't follow them down their trail of tears or sit by their s[ider web because like the old saying, misery loves company... They are the type of people that are only happy when others are just as miserable or more so than they are...

I challenge each and every person out there reading this to start writing down atleast 1 thing each day that you are grateful day, just 1... And when you start thinking of more each day and another one on... And when you start thinking of another one add a 3rd and a 4th until all you are focusing on is the positive things, so when those negative nay sayers come your way you can pull out your list of grateful thoughts and you can blast the negativity away...

I pray for your peace...
Musicsongbird

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 10 #JoinMyJourney

For some reason this year's rapidly approaching Christmas has been more emotional than year's past... Perhaps it is because last year was so huge, with sneaking home to surprise my entire family... But little things are bring about tears when normally I can keep it all together...Part of me is missing my family and big part of me is missing my Dad...

Of all of the weird things that brought tears over my weekend, I was shopping at Bath and Body Works on Friday and they had a store bonus and of course because of all of these bonuses the store was packed almost like it was Black Friday again... Well once I made it to the register the cashier made me a deal on a purchase with purchase I couldn't pass up that I had considered and she actually added on additional discounts that I wasn't expecting which in turn saved me even more money and it just really touched me... I mean I know she was just doing what they probably told her to, but in the manner it was delivered made me feel like my business actually mattered... Sometimes that's all it takes, to make you feel like you matter...

When I was texting with the bestie today I asked what he wanted for Christmas and he said he doesn't really want things, he is trying to clean out his house and I kind of feel that way too... There isn't anything in particular that I want... I mean, I got this amazing gift from my Mom to see Barbra Streisand in concert this past month and probably the biggest gift I have found is the joy I have felt from donating this year...

I guess the older we get the more our desires for ourselves change...

musicsongbird


Saturday, December 17, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 9 #JoinMyJourney

Quick turn around from last night, but who knew I would have so much to say at 9am on a Saturday morning after only being up for an hour...

Why do people freel it's neccessary to bad mouth people they don't even know? And when they do hide behind a private account? That is what happened to me this morning on the Instagram... I have been blogging off and on here on Blogger since 2012 and before that sporadically on Facebook for a few years and I have had comments, usually positive but you post one photo of yourself enjoying a slice of Chocolate cake from Portillo's and suddenly your a FATF&@%...  REALLY? I mean seriously? That's all you got? That is SOOOO original... Then when I click on the name to see who came up this brilliant monicker their account is PRIVATE... Go figure... If you are going to have the BALLS to post something like that on a complete strangers instagram page or any social media page for that matter,  than you should at least have the cajones to show the world your face...

You see only cowards do crap like that... Only cowards make comments about other people... People who are insecure about themselves and don't like who they are... Because even though at times there are things I really don't like about myself physically, I really do like the person that I am...

I am artistic, I am creative, I am empathetic to others, I have a heart to help bring happiness to the world... I love to spread love and friendship.. I love to make people happy... I don't like conflict, I am a peacemaker... I am emotional, sometimes to a fault and I am one heck of a singer, which I don't admit to very often... But all of these talents are a gift from God and I am glad He gave them to me... I am glad he gave me the gift of writing to share my thoughts and my journey with others and to let you know that when the PRIVATE users of the world come along and make nasty comments, there is always a BLOCK User option and a delete button... And guess what else? There will many hearts and likes to follow...

Musicsongbird

Friday, December 16, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 8 #JoinMyJourney

What a whirl wind of a week... You know you are hitting extremes when one night you are in bed by 830 and the next you are still awake at 110... But my bed is calling me but I knew there were some things that needed to be said tonight...

I know I havne't spoken a ton about the weight issue each day but believe me it's a lot to discuss... I wish I had an answer to why we end up falling back into our old habits after we get moving into better ones and doing so well... Why we have that internal self destruct button suddenly get pressed that just blows everything out of wack and we pack back on all of the weight we managed to set free to begin with, except this times all of those fat cells we sent packing, have returned home with a whole mess of their friends...

I start to think that maybe the old habits are just to comfortable, like that old pair of stretchy pants that we all have in our closet... You know the ones I'm talking about... The ones that are a way smaller size than you are now, but you have been earing them since you were originally that size and they have just "grown" along with you and now that you are a 26/28 you tell people, but I still have a size 14/16 pants that I can fit in... No one else does that? really? No one? Just... me....??? Ok...

Well, if you have done the backward slide and you are starting over for the 80th time, just know you are not alone... Maybe you are starting over for the 80th time today... Who knows, sometimes just know that you need a fresh start and a new beginning is good because you never know when you happy ending will come along... You just need to be ready to receive it, because that is when I truly believe that everything will really start working in your favor...

At the point when you can look yourself in the mirror each day and tell your self that you are worth doing all of this for... That you are worth making major and minor chamges for and that there is no sliding backwards this time...

So lets all try and get to that point together...

Musicsongbird

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 7 #JoinMyJourney

I know I am carrying more weight when my numb hands and excessive soarness and tiredness returns... For the past few weeks, I can barely keep my eyes open at 8:30pm. It is so crazy because you wilth think this would motivate me even more but when you have that lack of energy it makes it that much harder...

But I won't give up, not on being healthier and not on this blig, except for tonight...

Musicsongbird

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 6 #JoinMyJourney

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is take a breath, step back and put your hand over your mouth... Because if you don't it can get you into more trouble than it is even worth...  Sadly not everyone knows this trick however... At the end of the day it's crazy when I look back and see just how many times I had to do this today alone...

So for tonight, I am going to do something I don't do to often and I am going to ponder on todays happenings in silence. I am going to collect my thoughts as I collect my dreams and I will leave you with one thing...

Each day is another step along your journey... Which way you go is up to you, which challenges you choose to step away from or face is up to you... Not every path is easy, nor is every path is clear, but if you stick to it, your journey can be an incredible one if you let it...

musicsongbird

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 5 #JoinMyJourney

Some days you wake up only to want to roll over and go back to bed... And today was one of those weeks... But I have a job to go to and I knew I had people relying on me to be there and I am out of vacation pay so, High Ho, High Ho it's off to work i went... 

Still with baby steps I traveled, tripping and stumbling over my breakfast choices, but thankfully the chili I brought for lunch was a great rescue and the applesauce I keep in my desk was a nice chaser for it as well, but the naughty bonus backstep was the bag of mini oreos I also found down by the appelsauce... But after the icky feelings I was having, I figured I probably "needed" them to help me feel better...

Well, I don't suspect the Oreos did anything to make me feel bettter, I think it was the smiles from the new cast I met after lunch and got to show around and get to know, because I what I realize time and again, is that when you take your eyes off your own pain and hurt and self pitty and focus on something else, like making someone else feel welcome, it can turn your entire day around... 

I used to tell all of the new cast I used to meet that when you come to work you need to drop all of your troubles and worries outside the gate, and the great things is that when  you are at work, a member of custodial is going to come along and clean that mess up and when it is time to leave it won't be there for you to pick up again...

So lets all try and leave some of those bad habits out the door and hopefully the garbage man or custodial or the wind can carry them away...

Night night friends...
Musicsongbird

Monday, December 12, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 4 #JoinMyJourney

Whoever thought starting a new journey in the middle of a holiday feeding frenzy was a good idea clearly has some issues on their hands... Oh wait, that person is me...

But if you think about it, is there really ever a good time in anyones mind to start a new journey like this? I mean don't we all at some point come up with an excuse or don't we rationalize why it's ok to have that extra helping or to have the candy bar or 2 or 3... Why it's alright that we name our bed Gym and tell everyone that we are spending sometime there.  (Not that I have done that, I just know people that may have.)

Sonow is the time and we are taking baby steps... why baby steps you ask? Because every step they make forward and not fall is a celebration! Despite be scared of the unknown babies want to move forward... They want to get places on their own and isn't that really what we all want?

I have some pretty big things coming my way next year... I have family coming to visit me in the spring, I have a nephew getting married that I have to go home for in September and in November I turn 10 years old with my job and I get to go to my first service celebration... So for all of these things I would like to be able to sport new smaller clothes... In fact I would like each outfit to be a size smaller than the next... And if I don't start now with my baby steps, I will still be wearing what I am now or maybe even bigger...

Sometimes the hardest person to face isn't your doctor, because guess what? If you have gained weight, he or she is going to tell you, and they won't be nice about it, believe me... No the hardest person to face isn't even family... It's yourself... Because in the end, the only person you truly have to make happy and have to face is little old you...

let's do this...
musicsongbird

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 3 #JoinMyJourney

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is spend some time with some good friends even if it's just for an hour at lunch... You never truly realize just want that time does for your mental health... 

Today wasn't 100% perfect with food and not evn close when it came to excercise or steps or activity at all, but it's all about acknowledging the change you see in yourself and taking baby steps in making those changes... I realize I can't go into things, everything all at once, because when I do I get all of this momentum and the minute something doesn't go as planned I get disappointed and I give up... So if I make small, smarter goals and I am able to reach them I can keep them... And with that I am less likely yo give up in the end...

So for now, little steps and happy times with my friends will continue...

musicsongbird

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 2 #JoinMyJourney

Wow, I feel like I climbed a mountain today... Well Bok Garden's is located on Iron Mountain and it is the 3rd highest spot in Florida so i guess in a way you could say I did.... So i guess that could be the reason I am completely exhausted... Which isn't really a bad thing, it means I had a great time enjoying the out of doors and getting some steps in...

I didn't have a tremendous feeding frenzy like I typically do on my weekends... Today I enjoyed a small berakfast and light lunch served in the cafe at Bok tower and a delightful dinner at Manny's with the Bestie after a rousing game of mini golf...

The one great insight I gained from this day was this... There are still really good people in the world... People that don't always think of themselves first and they are raising incredible children to think of others first as well... Every year Mom and I have the opportunity to go on a tour of the Founder's Room at Bok Tower which is basically the ground floor of the Bok Tower... My Mom uses a walker pretty much all of the time and to get to the tower you have to go up a few steps, go across a small bridge, go down a few steps; go across grass to the main steps of the tower.... At the tower the steps kind of tilt a bit and there are two steps then a little bit of a landing and then about 3 or 4 more before you end up  on the landing that takes you through the front door.... Normally it's Mom and I against the world but today one of the employees and a young man who was probably 13 or 14 offered Mom help both up and down the steps... It almost brought me to tears bacuse they didn't wait for us to ask for help, they just jumped in...

So very often we just stand by and watch things happen in the world around us instead of being active participants... For to long I have been that way... I guess that is how I feel about my health... I have been standing back and watching things go by or watching the scale go up... It's time for me to jump in and be an active participant in my health...

Good Night...
Musicsongbird

Friday, December 9, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 1 #JoinMyJourney

Another year is quickly coming to an end and so many things are rolling back to me... pounds mostly... and now I must begin a new journey and this time I am going to do something a little more live than I have done in the past... When I first began Skinny Girl...In a Fat Girl's Body; on January 1, 2012 it was all about me and living my life and the day to day observances and really a personal challenge to myself that I could write for an entire year...

Well, I don't want to wait until January 1 this time around, because I need to start now... I need to get my health under control now... I was doing so well in the beginning of this year... I was down almost 30 pounds at one point and something in side of me just gave up... There was no injury that prevented me from getting out and moving, no sickness that kept me bed ridden... Just me... Something in my mind and my heart that started me on the down word spiral to where I sit now at 347 pounds...
Not my heaviest by any means but not where I expected to find myself at this point in my life...

I have gone from starting to be ok with looking at myself in the mirror again, to dreading that reflection staring back at me from the first chin down... I know in my head I can hear people saying, "I can't believe she is being so open about all of this.." but you know what, I have kept my battle quiet for too long and look where it got me? In the past I hid my Weight Watchers meetings back in the STL, I hid when I was "dieting", I hid when I joined a gym but I was never ashamed of clearing my plate when I was out to eat or ordering a dessert even if I was filled to the gills...

For me I am finally realizing that it is a matter of perspective... For so long I felt as though I had to keep it a secret because if I failed at all of those things no one would know and I could just go on living... But in fact, if I share with others what I am going through on this journey, maybe they are also going through a similar journey and together we can learn things about each other and ourselves that will help us both make better choices and we can cheer each other on and hold each other accountable...

So my new challenge to myself is to blog nightly once again, throughout this next year... Sharing my insights on my journey, my food choices, and excercise battles and maybe some new recipes along the way... And most of all I hope to celebrate along the way as well....

love always,
musicsongbird