Monday, June 20, 2016

6.20.16

Certain times of the year bring on stronger emotions for me and this time makes no exceptions... With yesterday being Father's Day it stirs up a lot of emotions, not just for the fact that I lost my Dad to Cancer almost 18 years ago, but because I am so far away from my big brothers so I don't even have them around to celebrate with. So Mom and I make it a point of having a special celebratory dinner in honor of Dad each year and have things we believe he would have enjoyed. Each year the meal is different but the dessert is always the same, Baskin Robbins.

So this year we chose Burger King, because my Dad enjoyed their Whoppers. Following are uneventful dine in experience we headed down to BR to get a scoop of mine and Mom's favorite, Peanut Butter and Chocolate, topped with Dad's Favorite, Pralines and Creme. It always brings a smile to my face when we talk about old times with Dad and the fun we had. Sadly, sometimes I feel like those memories are fading for me, because maybe I don't talk about him enough, or I didn't have enough time with him.

The relationship with a Mother and Daughter is so special and so connected and I love my Mom so much, but the relationship with a Dad with his little girl is special to. He was my protector and the one that would drive out to Six Flags to pick me up after my late shifts were over before I could drive. He would call me Zelda and we would listen to AM talk radio together; he especially liked Rush Limbaugh. He would buy Mom yellow gas station roses and he would tear up when I would sing. He would tell me if I could put all of my school work to music I would have straight A's. Even though he didn't always say it out loud, he loved me so much. Besides Mom, he was my biggest fan and I miss him so much,

I know he would be so proud of me for picking up everything and moving to Florida to live out my dream of working for Disney. I also know he would hold my hand through the hard times, the stressful times, and cheer me through the amazing times.  He would be there to pick me up when I felt knocked down by others, help me brush myself off and help me hold my head up and carry on. I also know he would pray me through it all, right along side Mom.

Your Zelda misses you dad...


Sunday, June 5, 2016

6.5.16

So 126 days in and 22 pounds down and feeling pretty good physically but mentally I am struggling within myself still on a daily basis and I know that will happen because I am human. I know I should be getting out there and exercising and working out and all sorts of things but right now mentally all I can handle is the dietary changes and tracking how many steps I am taking per day and on days like today when I barely broke 1500 I feel like I failed myself somehow. But on the flip side I was under my calories, just barely and I should be happy, but I guess it's just a case of the throwing other feelings I am going through into the container and slamming the lid shut on them kind of day to deal with them later.

Sometimes all you can do is take one step at a time and for me, my step is getting the calories under control. I still struggle with wanting to over eat and so I have to prepackage my breakfast and lunches for work and Mom and I menu plan our dinners so I know what to expect caloric wise. Some days are great and others not so great but its all about portions control and being mindful of what I put into my body.

I am glad I decided to start using My Fitness Pal again and I am glad my Mom is so willing to let me cook healthier for us because let me tell you, she is looking great! The hard part for me, because I am much bigger than her is that when you carry more weight it is harder to notice when you lose the same amount of weight as someone else. When we look at photos from 3 months ago you can see a pretty significant difference for her, but not for me. All I can do is go by how my clothes are starting to fit differently and for now I will have to take it.

People are over weight for many different reasons, mine was self made as I have said before. It started out as a hiding place and it just became more and more of a comfort. Well, now that I have found a freedom from my past fears, I don't need that shelter or comfort any longer and like therapy I have to begin the journey of shedding the layers I have built up after all of these years of abusing my body. Like a child learns to walk and talk, I have to learn how to feed myself properly and then I have to strengthen my body with exercise.

But all of this in my time... one step at a time... my journey...

Musicsongbird