Tuesday, May 24, 2016

5.24.16

So very often we take our emotions and we stuff them into containers instead of facing them head on... And when those containers get too full they can't hold it any longer and they just explode... You see I have a hard time being honest with people I am close to because for to long I have held my tongue because I have felt like I have never truly felt like my opinion mattered or was valued... That I was always told simply that my thoughts weren't right and theirs was and that was that... So over time instead of voicing what I had to say I would just mash it down in my emotions container; whether it was anger or disgust or shame or sadness and just keep pushing it down and slamming the lid shut on top and hoping nothing would spill out...

Tonight I learned something really important about the detriment to that... You push and shove to much of that down and at some point and time its all going to come spewing out at once like an erupting volcano and you may have to face it and so will others around you whether they want to or not...

For too long in my life I have allowed myself the negative self talk and I have allowed others to make choices for me because I was afraid to offend or hurt their feelings... But in reality I was damaging myself in the process because I was allowing others to walk over me and take advantage of my kindness... I am not saying I can't do for others bit what I am saying is that I need to start speaking up when I have something to say and not be silent because I think they are going to get upset if I voice my thoughts when they ask me for them...

As most of you that really know me or who have been reading my blog for awhile I can be pretty passionate about things and sometimes I am not even letting the real me completely show because that can be scary... Because who truly wants to meet the true person we are inside? What if I don't like the real me? Or what if I am even more awesome than I am now? Can i take that chance?

To empty my containers I need to be ready to face so pretty powerful pent up emotions, but do it in a safe and constructive, non-destructive behavior sort of way... No drinking or over eating, but in a way that is going to create positive healing and not a black hole of nothing... Then I have to come to the realization that the only way I will be truly happy is letting go of past hurts and healing from them and learning to love who I am and excepting me for who I am right now...

And when I can do those things I will be on my way to happiness, but I will not find it with the perfect job... I won't find it making a bunch of money... I won't find it in financial security... I won't find it with the perfect man (because no one is perfect, especially me)... I won't find it in a new car or new house or with 3.5 kids... I need emotional  healing and so do most of us and until we find that, we will never be truly happy...

musicsongbird

Monday, May 16, 2016

5.16.16

So I am on an amazing, difficult, stressful, relaxing, relentless, exciting, dramatic, painful, drawn out, extreme, life changing journey of weight-loss right now... I have been using the My Fitness Pal app for 106 days and haven't missed a log in yet. I log all of my food and beverage intake and my exercise as well. Right now the exercise consists of walking to my locations at work instead of driving when I can and then walking on my weekends with my bestie.  I am working myself back to working out like I used to, it's little steps. This is a marathon not a 50 yard dash...

I am finding that I am craving fresh foods instead of fast... I am loving veggies and fruits especially the fresh blueberries you can pick right now at local farms... We are going for the 3rd weekend in a row this week... I am getting great satisfaction from picking my own food and seeing where it comes from... I am finding my passion for cooking again...

I hate to admit it Mom, but for awhile I was regretting coming home to cook dinner, but now with all of these fresh ingredients we have been using, I actually look forward to it! I like bringing my lunch to work, I am finding joy in preparing it and packing it in my bag... I also am really loving my yummy yogurt and cereal and fresh fruit every morning... I am just feeling better each day...

The best part, besides the weight loss, is going down steps and not being afraid my knees will give out... I am feeling a strength in them that I haven't felt in a few years... I am not feeling the joint pain I was once feeling... It's not perfect every day but it is so much better than it was...

I have realized so many things this time around that I will continue to share but for tonight I will add one thing... Having people cheer you on and share your journey with you, makes it that much easier to make it down the road... When you do things in secret, you don't get the true support you need to help you through the tough days and the plateaus when you need a buddy the most...

If anyone needs a buddy add me on My Fitness Pal - Musicsongbird

106 days / 20.6 pounds!

Never Give up!
Never Surrender!