Monday, February 1, 2016

2.1.2016

What a whirlwind of a month... Being sick most of the month hasn't been very magical that's for sure but being down for the count left my mind free a lot of the time to do some thinking...

I am sure at some point I have written about this over the past few years but it came back to smack me in the face this past week... Self deprecating humor...

I should know better but for so long I have had that mind set that if I make people laugh, even if it is at my own expense, it's OK because people are laughing and having a good time and it's not hurting anyone because I am the one making the jokes... Except that isn't entirely true... Little by little the more we tear down ourselves with these mindless jokes we are tearing apart our own self worth... Words can be just as damaging when they come from our own mouths when we say them to our selves as the words others say to us... And of we say them enough, we start believing them just like when others say them to us...

Now how did it all come back to smack me in the face? A friend used my own words to join in... Something I never thought they would do...Usually when you say something bad about yourself, even jokingly people's knee jerk reaction is either to stare in disbelief, giggle nervously and try and change the subject or to jump to your defense... This time it wasn't the case... This time they joined in... This time they added on their own actions and others in the group started laughing and all I could do was slowly shrink away and wait for the moment to pass...

Can I really be upset over this? Do I have a right at this point? I started it, I egged it on... I encouraged it by allowing it for so long...

So today it ends... A new month has begun and the negative self speak has got to stop...

My new plan is that every time I start to think about a negative thought about myself, I will stop and write down 3 positive things about myself...No matter I am doing...

It is time we all start to retrain our brains and learn to speak differently and honestly with ourselves...

Musicsongbird