Monday, February 8, 2016

2.8.16

I ran across this post today and it really hit close to home for me in so many ways... Well actually it spoke to the old me... The me before meds, before therapy, before the honesty with myself... I still have the depression diagnosis, but my suffering isn't what it was... There are still times I have tears for no reason... There is still times I can't explain what I am feeling, I just simply have no words... but if I pray for peace and focus on God's grace I know I can overcome those feelings of loneliness and sadness...

For those that do not suffer from Depression you will never understand the darkness it causes... The pain and sadness you can feel...The absolute desperation of it all to just stop being so sad...

This is probably why I try and live my life in such a positive way... Always smiling sharing love with everyone I meet... If I am always smiling and forcing the happy, I never have to feel the pain trying so desperately to bubble up from the depths...

So often when I am hurting and I don't know why, my friends want me to talk about it, but how do you talk about something, when you don't know what is causing the hurt?

At that point the only thing I know that makes the pain easier to face is a warm hug and a promise to be there when they are needed the most...

Musicsongbird

Thursday, February 4, 2016

2.4.16

I find life funny... Well really people are...  We do so much to impress others from dressing better, or losing weight, or buying expensive toys, or bad mouthing others because you think it makes you look better... We put on a show... So very often we pretend to be someone we aren't to be friends with people that aren't worth the time of day because in the end you know that no matter how much BS comes out of their mouth saying I have your back or we are in this together, in the end it's just words. When they say actions speak louder than words, that is where my faith begins.

I believe God has gotten me through a lot in my 42 years of life, thanks to an amazing family and some extremely special friends. Ones I have known for years and a few I have only had the pleasure of knowing a short time. I have learned that the words of a friend are only as good as the actions that follow, because many of the so called friendships I thought I had were just friends by speech and not friends of action.

Friends of speech are ones that can talk a good game. They say all of the right things but in the end that's all they are. Empty words and no substance.

Then there is the friend that stands in the balance. They have the words and they are part action but they are only there for a short time. It's the friend God puts there for a moment. For a particular task in your life. Maybe it's for a growing lesson, but usually they are a memorable one but they aren't usually there forever.

The friends of action are the ones that can back up the talk. They are the ones that are there ready to hold your hand or give you a shoulder to cry on, even if it's thousands of miles away, or just on the other side of the corner...

Your action friends have the highest chance of becoming the best kind of friend... The forever kind... The one that is there for you through it all and you for them... These are few but you don't need a lot, because that's what a forever friend is all about...

Musicsongbird



Monday, February 1, 2016

2.1.2016

What a whirlwind of a month... Being sick most of the month hasn't been very magical that's for sure but being down for the count left my mind free a lot of the time to do some thinking...

I am sure at some point I have written about this over the past few years but it came back to smack me in the face this past week... Self deprecating humor...

I should know better but for so long I have had that mind set that if I make people laugh, even if it is at my own expense, it's OK because people are laughing and having a good time and it's not hurting anyone because I am the one making the jokes... Except that isn't entirely true... Little by little the more we tear down ourselves with these mindless jokes we are tearing apart our own self worth... Words can be just as damaging when they come from our own mouths when we say them to our selves as the words others say to us... And of we say them enough, we start believing them just like when others say them to us...

Now how did it all come back to smack me in the face? A friend used my own words to join in... Something I never thought they would do...Usually when you say something bad about yourself, even jokingly people's knee jerk reaction is either to stare in disbelief, giggle nervously and try and change the subject or to jump to your defense... This time it wasn't the case... This time they joined in... This time they added on their own actions and others in the group started laughing and all I could do was slowly shrink away and wait for the moment to pass...

Can I really be upset over this? Do I have a right at this point? I started it, I egged it on... I encouraged it by allowing it for so long...

So today it ends... A new month has begun and the negative self speak has got to stop...

My new plan is that every time I start to think about a negative thought about myself, I will stop and write down 3 positive things about myself...No matter I am doing...

It is time we all start to retrain our brains and learn to speak differently and honestly with ourselves...

Musicsongbird