Monday, December 26, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 12 #JoinMyJourney

It's been exactly a week since my last post and I know I said I was going to blog daily and my plan is to continue in that vein, but sometimes life gets in the way... emotions mostly get in the way... My emotions for Christmas got in the way this year... From the outside world, everyone would probably assume everything was pretty hunky dory aside from the minor stress during Holiday Party week or Toys for Tots wrap up week, but not so...

I know I usually share my world; the good, the bad and the atrocious; but this time I concealed alot... A few weeks ago my family lost a friend back home that I have known for most of my life... He has been sick for quite some time but it really sadened me that Mom and I couldn't be there to pay respects to our friends... He was part of the person I am now...He was a fantastic musician, he made great blaffles (waffles that overflow the waffle maker), great friend and neighbor...

I don't know what exactly happened, but Christmas just felt different to me this year... Maybe I am getting older, maybe it's because we were home last year, but it just didn't feel right... We put up the decorations, Mom made cookies and treats for friends... I guess I just am not feeling the wonder of this time of year like I have in the past...

This year has been such a year of tragedy and loss followed by union and pride; only to be turned around again towards anger and bitterness, it's no wonder Christmas doesn't feel right...

The one glimpse of hope, the one  bright star of this whole Holiday weekend occured when Mom and I were enjoying a late Christmas Eve dinner at Denny's and our sweet server sat us at the 1st table near the door and we both order almost identical orders aside from our drinks; and when we were ready to check out our server stepped over with out check and told us that the table near the window that had left a few minutes prior to us had paid for our meal and wished us a Merry Christmas... We wish we could have thanked them, we wish they could have seen the tears in my eyes letting them know just how much their kidness blessed my heart...

This was Christmas... This is something I was missing... Did it fix everything? No, but it's a start... I know I need to mourn my friend... I know I need to talk things out and get past these feelings I am having because releasing them is the only way I can move forward and enjoy things to their fullest again... But for now, please excuse me while I slip back behind my mask and smile...

musicsongbird

working on me...

Monday, December 19, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 11 #JoinMyJourney

Little things over time can build up...Both good and bad... And if we hold them in too long they have a way of escaping... Usually the good things aren't so explosive but the bad things can come out in different forms... Underlying anger, snarky behavior, loss of temper, silent treatment to others, even sickness... Yep, when Kelly Clarkson said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, She wasn't refering to burried anger...

Burried hurts and anger just make you hurt more... They make you less trusting to others and of others; and quitly frankly make you not fun to be around...

In my life I have carried around a lot of anger at times, mostly in the past but I have in the not so distant past as well, and I have learned that when you carry that hurt and pain around with you and you don't dig it out, it will fester and make you miserable because it just wants to consume you...

We all know people that just seem like they are miserable all the time and the only time they seem happy is when they are making others miserable as well... All I can say is don't follow them down their trail of tears or sit by their s[ider web because like the old saying, misery loves company... They are the type of people that are only happy when others are just as miserable or more so than they are...

I challenge each and every person out there reading this to start writing down atleast 1 thing each day that you are grateful day, just 1... And when you start thinking of more each day and another one on... And when you start thinking of another one add a 3rd and a 4th until all you are focusing on is the positive things, so when those negative nay sayers come your way you can pull out your list of grateful thoughts and you can blast the negativity away...

I pray for your peace...
Musicsongbird

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 10 #JoinMyJourney

For some reason this year's rapidly approaching Christmas has been more emotional than year's past... Perhaps it is because last year was so huge, with sneaking home to surprise my entire family... But little things are bring about tears when normally I can keep it all together...Part of me is missing my family and big part of me is missing my Dad...

Of all of the weird things that brought tears over my weekend, I was shopping at Bath and Body Works on Friday and they had a store bonus and of course because of all of these bonuses the store was packed almost like it was Black Friday again... Well once I made it to the register the cashier made me a deal on a purchase with purchase I couldn't pass up that I had considered and she actually added on additional discounts that I wasn't expecting which in turn saved me even more money and it just really touched me... I mean I know she was just doing what they probably told her to, but in the manner it was delivered made me feel like my business actually mattered... Sometimes that's all it takes, to make you feel like you matter...

When I was texting with the bestie today I asked what he wanted for Christmas and he said he doesn't really want things, he is trying to clean out his house and I kind of feel that way too... There isn't anything in particular that I want... I mean, I got this amazing gift from my Mom to see Barbra Streisand in concert this past month and probably the biggest gift I have found is the joy I have felt from donating this year...

I guess the older we get the more our desires for ourselves change...

musicsongbird


Saturday, December 17, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 9 #JoinMyJourney

Quick turn around from last night, but who knew I would have so much to say at 9am on a Saturday morning after only being up for an hour...

Why do people freel it's neccessary to bad mouth people they don't even know? And when they do hide behind a private account? That is what happened to me this morning on the Instagram... I have been blogging off and on here on Blogger since 2012 and before that sporadically on Facebook for a few years and I have had comments, usually positive but you post one photo of yourself enjoying a slice of Chocolate cake from Portillo's and suddenly your a FATF&@%...  REALLY? I mean seriously? That's all you got? That is SOOOO original... Then when I click on the name to see who came up this brilliant monicker their account is PRIVATE... Go figure... If you are going to have the BALLS to post something like that on a complete strangers instagram page or any social media page for that matter,  than you should at least have the cajones to show the world your face...

You see only cowards do crap like that... Only cowards make comments about other people... People who are insecure about themselves and don't like who they are... Because even though at times there are things I really don't like about myself physically, I really do like the person that I am...

I am artistic, I am creative, I am empathetic to others, I have a heart to help bring happiness to the world... I love to spread love and friendship.. I love to make people happy... I don't like conflict, I am a peacemaker... I am emotional, sometimes to a fault and I am one heck of a singer, which I don't admit to very often... But all of these talents are a gift from God and I am glad He gave them to me... I am glad he gave me the gift of writing to share my thoughts and my journey with others and to let you know that when the PRIVATE users of the world come along and make nasty comments, there is always a BLOCK User option and a delete button... And guess what else? There will many hearts and likes to follow...

Musicsongbird

Friday, December 16, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 8 #JoinMyJourney

What a whirl wind of a week... You know you are hitting extremes when one night you are in bed by 830 and the next you are still awake at 110... But my bed is calling me but I knew there were some things that needed to be said tonight...

I know I havne't spoken a ton about the weight issue each day but believe me it's a lot to discuss... I wish I had an answer to why we end up falling back into our old habits after we get moving into better ones and doing so well... Why we have that internal self destruct button suddenly get pressed that just blows everything out of wack and we pack back on all of the weight we managed to set free to begin with, except this times all of those fat cells we sent packing, have returned home with a whole mess of their friends...

I start to think that maybe the old habits are just to comfortable, like that old pair of stretchy pants that we all have in our closet... You know the ones I'm talking about... The ones that are a way smaller size than you are now, but you have been earing them since you were originally that size and they have just "grown" along with you and now that you are a 26/28 you tell people, but I still have a size 14/16 pants that I can fit in... No one else does that? really? No one? Just... me....??? Ok...

Well, if you have done the backward slide and you are starting over for the 80th time, just know you are not alone... Maybe you are starting over for the 80th time today... Who knows, sometimes just know that you need a fresh start and a new beginning is good because you never know when you happy ending will come along... You just need to be ready to receive it, because that is when I truly believe that everything will really start working in your favor...

At the point when you can look yourself in the mirror each day and tell your self that you are worth doing all of this for... That you are worth making major and minor chamges for and that there is no sliding backwards this time...

So lets all try and get to that point together...

Musicsongbird

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 7 #JoinMyJourney

I know I am carrying more weight when my numb hands and excessive soarness and tiredness returns... For the past few weeks, I can barely keep my eyes open at 8:30pm. It is so crazy because you wilth think this would motivate me even more but when you have that lack of energy it makes it that much harder...

But I won't give up, not on being healthier and not on this blig, except for tonight...

Musicsongbird

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 6 #JoinMyJourney

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is take a breath, step back and put your hand over your mouth... Because if you don't it can get you into more trouble than it is even worth...  Sadly not everyone knows this trick however... At the end of the day it's crazy when I look back and see just how many times I had to do this today alone...

So for tonight, I am going to do something I don't do to often and I am going to ponder on todays happenings in silence. I am going to collect my thoughts as I collect my dreams and I will leave you with one thing...

Each day is another step along your journey... Which way you go is up to you, which challenges you choose to step away from or face is up to you... Not every path is easy, nor is every path is clear, but if you stick to it, your journey can be an incredible one if you let it...

musicsongbird

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 5 #JoinMyJourney

Some days you wake up only to want to roll over and go back to bed... And today was one of those weeks... But I have a job to go to and I knew I had people relying on me to be there and I am out of vacation pay so, High Ho, High Ho it's off to work i went... 

Still with baby steps I traveled, tripping and stumbling over my breakfast choices, but thankfully the chili I brought for lunch was a great rescue and the applesauce I keep in my desk was a nice chaser for it as well, but the naughty bonus backstep was the bag of mini oreos I also found down by the appelsauce... But after the icky feelings I was having, I figured I probably "needed" them to help me feel better...

Well, I don't suspect the Oreos did anything to make me feel bettter, I think it was the smiles from the new cast I met after lunch and got to show around and get to know, because I what I realize time and again, is that when you take your eyes off your own pain and hurt and self pitty and focus on something else, like making someone else feel welcome, it can turn your entire day around... 

I used to tell all of the new cast I used to meet that when you come to work you need to drop all of your troubles and worries outside the gate, and the great things is that when  you are at work, a member of custodial is going to come along and clean that mess up and when it is time to leave it won't be there for you to pick up again...

So lets all try and leave some of those bad habits out the door and hopefully the garbage man or custodial or the wind can carry them away...

Night night friends...
Musicsongbird

Monday, December 12, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 4 #JoinMyJourney

Whoever thought starting a new journey in the middle of a holiday feeding frenzy was a good idea clearly has some issues on their hands... Oh wait, that person is me...

But if you think about it, is there really ever a good time in anyones mind to start a new journey like this? I mean don't we all at some point come up with an excuse or don't we rationalize why it's ok to have that extra helping or to have the candy bar or 2 or 3... Why it's alright that we name our bed Gym and tell everyone that we are spending sometime there.  (Not that I have done that, I just know people that may have.)

Sonow is the time and we are taking baby steps... why baby steps you ask? Because every step they make forward and not fall is a celebration! Despite be scared of the unknown babies want to move forward... They want to get places on their own and isn't that really what we all want?

I have some pretty big things coming my way next year... I have family coming to visit me in the spring, I have a nephew getting married that I have to go home for in September and in November I turn 10 years old with my job and I get to go to my first service celebration... So for all of these things I would like to be able to sport new smaller clothes... In fact I would like each outfit to be a size smaller than the next... And if I don't start now with my baby steps, I will still be wearing what I am now or maybe even bigger...

Sometimes the hardest person to face isn't your doctor, because guess what? If you have gained weight, he or she is going to tell you, and they won't be nice about it, believe me... No the hardest person to face isn't even family... It's yourself... Because in the end, the only person you truly have to make happy and have to face is little old you...

let's do this...
musicsongbird

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 3 #JoinMyJourney

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is spend some time with some good friends even if it's just for an hour at lunch... You never truly realize just want that time does for your mental health... 

Today wasn't 100% perfect with food and not evn close when it came to excercise or steps or activity at all, but it's all about acknowledging the change you see in yourself and taking baby steps in making those changes... I realize I can't go into things, everything all at once, because when I do I get all of this momentum and the minute something doesn't go as planned I get disappointed and I give up... So if I make small, smarter goals and I am able to reach them I can keep them... And with that I am less likely yo give up in the end...

So for now, little steps and happy times with my friends will continue...

musicsongbird

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 2 #JoinMyJourney

Wow, I feel like I climbed a mountain today... Well Bok Garden's is located on Iron Mountain and it is the 3rd highest spot in Florida so i guess in a way you could say I did.... So i guess that could be the reason I am completely exhausted... Which isn't really a bad thing, it means I had a great time enjoying the out of doors and getting some steps in...

I didn't have a tremendous feeding frenzy like I typically do on my weekends... Today I enjoyed a small berakfast and light lunch served in the cafe at Bok tower and a delightful dinner at Manny's with the Bestie after a rousing game of mini golf...

The one great insight I gained from this day was this... There are still really good people in the world... People that don't always think of themselves first and they are raising incredible children to think of others first as well... Every year Mom and I have the opportunity to go on a tour of the Founder's Room at Bok Tower which is basically the ground floor of the Bok Tower... My Mom uses a walker pretty much all of the time and to get to the tower you have to go up a few steps, go across a small bridge, go down a few steps; go across grass to the main steps of the tower.... At the tower the steps kind of tilt a bit and there are two steps then a little bit of a landing and then about 3 or 4 more before you end up  on the landing that takes you through the front door.... Normally it's Mom and I against the world but today one of the employees and a young man who was probably 13 or 14 offered Mom help both up and down the steps... It almost brought me to tears bacuse they didn't wait for us to ask for help, they just jumped in...

So very often we just stand by and watch things happen in the world around us instead of being active participants... For to long I have been that way... I guess that is how I feel about my health... I have been standing back and watching things go by or watching the scale go up... It's time for me to jump in and be an active participant in my health...

Good Night...
Musicsongbird

Friday, December 9, 2016

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 1 #JoinMyJourney

Another year is quickly coming to an end and so many things are rolling back to me... pounds mostly... and now I must begin a new journey and this time I am going to do something a little more live than I have done in the past... When I first began Skinny Girl...In a Fat Girl's Body; on January 1, 2012 it was all about me and living my life and the day to day observances and really a personal challenge to myself that I could write for an entire year...

Well, I don't want to wait until January 1 this time around, because I need to start now... I need to get my health under control now... I was doing so well in the beginning of this year... I was down almost 30 pounds at one point and something in side of me just gave up... There was no injury that prevented me from getting out and moving, no sickness that kept me bed ridden... Just me... Something in my mind and my heart that started me on the down word spiral to where I sit now at 347 pounds...
Not my heaviest by any means but not where I expected to find myself at this point in my life...

I have gone from starting to be ok with looking at myself in the mirror again, to dreading that reflection staring back at me from the first chin down... I know in my head I can hear people saying, "I can't believe she is being so open about all of this.." but you know what, I have kept my battle quiet for too long and look where it got me? In the past I hid my Weight Watchers meetings back in the STL, I hid when I was "dieting", I hid when I joined a gym but I was never ashamed of clearing my plate when I was out to eat or ordering a dessert even if I was filled to the gills...

For me I am finally realizing that it is a matter of perspective... For so long I felt as though I had to keep it a secret because if I failed at all of those things no one would know and I could just go on living... But in fact, if I share with others what I am going through on this journey, maybe they are also going through a similar journey and together we can learn things about each other and ourselves that will help us both make better choices and we can cheer each other on and hold each other accountable...

So my new challenge to myself is to blog nightly once again, throughout this next year... Sharing my insights on my journey, my food choices, and excercise battles and maybe some new recipes along the way... And most of all I hope to celebrate along the way as well....

love always,
musicsongbird

Thursday, October 6, 2016

10.6.16

So this is a very different blog from my normal one... This is my first hurricane experience since living in Central Florida... Matthew is preparing his trip to Disney World and everyone is having a roller coaster of emotions about his arrival...

The media tries to keep us safe with up to the minute information but it also causes up to the minute panic as well... I saw gas stations run out of gas today... I saw empty shelves at the grocery stores and convenience stores in the past 24 hours...

As we were released from work today, we wished each other well and told everyone to stay safe, because thankfully we know when a hurricane is coming... But like a flood, or tornado or any other natural disaster, we have no idea what damage it will bring with it and what it will leave behind in it's wake...

So for now, Mom and I sit and watch Murder She Wrote ont he DVR and watch out the front window as the rains come and go and the almost eery silence, I almost wish it would start so it can be over...

More as it comes...

musicsongbird

Monday, September 19, 2016

9.19.2016

Life is filled with a series of struggles... Some are worth fighting for and others we should just lay aside and keep moving forward.... When you come up against a struggle whether it is one you are having with another person or one you are having inside yourself you need to stop and think a few things... 

Let's talk about the struggle with someone else, whether it be family, friend or co-worker or maybe a stranger you run into in your daily life... 

1st - Before you react, or soon after the initial reaction; was you reaction fair to the situation?
2nd - Is the situation you are struggling with really worth the turmoil?
3rd -  Is the trouble your having theirs or yours?
4th - Either try and resolve it with that person, or let it go and walk away. 
Finally - If you chose to let it go... DON'T PICK IT BACK UP!!!! You don't need that stress in your life. Clearly if it's the other persons drama and you resolved it in your own mind, let them worry about it. Clear your mind and move on...

Now, when the struggle is inside of you... The inner turmoil... We all face it, I face it everyday I look in the mirror... LOOK AT THE LIST ABOVE...

There really isn't much difference... Stop letting other people's struggles become yours, face your demons one battle at a time... Learn to listen to yourself and be a good listener to others...

If you ever notice people start to hide away when you come calling, maybe you need to think about why that is? Are you an over sharer? Do people come to you when they need a shoulder, No??? Maybe it's because you over share and they never get an opportunity to share at all... Or when they try to share, you interupt and make it all about yourself... 

What about the ones the ones that always listen and no one is ever there to listen to them? They always do for others and no one ever does for them? Thank you doesn't cost much... 

I guess thats all I have to say tonight... Thank you for reading...

Sunday, August 14, 2016

8.14.2016

I have really been struggling internally lately with things, but it's those things that dwell in the back of my mind that don't have words... They are just stirring emotions without any substance and all I can do is pray and ask God to handle them for me so I don't have a melt down...Again...

I don't want anyone to panic, this happens from time to time... I know I have people I can talk to and I do, but when there are no words, then there is nothing to say...

For those of you that have never dealt with depression, it's so hard to explain... I know I have said this before and I will say it again... Please be patient and don't rush us... When we are ready to talk we will and don't get angry if we decide we just need a little time to ourselves... It's nothing against you, but we need that time for our own sanity...

We hide our pain inside because we have to be strong for others to often... And sometimes our strength just gives out and we need a rest for a bit...

If this is too much for you to take, please be honest... We can handle more than you will ever believe... We have handled so much already...

And depression doesn't always mean sad... for now for me it's a combination of things... things I can't quite... well, i've already said it...

Maybe I will be me in the morning, or maybe in a day or in a week, but for this moment... nothing left to say...

Saturday, August 6, 2016

8.6.2016

Life has been anything but normal lately... for over 188 days I have been working on a huge project... Well, I have been not always been actively working on it, but I have been pursuing this project... You might call it a Home Improvement Project... A DIY even... Except for once, I decided I couldn't truly do it alone anymore...

On Tuesday, I completed a 15 week Healthy You class at Our Center for Living Well where I work... A class that combined the Nutritional, Mental and Physical Fitness aspects that we need to make healthier decisions for our selves... During the time frame of the class I have lost 10 pounds which for some may not seem like much, but for me, I will take it...

For someone who has lived the ups and downs of weight gain and weightloss, every loss is a win and a step closer to my goal...

Which brings me to probably the biggest truth I have been contemplating for awhile and one I can not take back once I have posted it... So this is my huge step of faith... Not in anyone that reads this but in my own self... For years I have preached to the young ladies that I have helped costume at my current job and to all of the women I helped sell clothing to in my retail past, it's just number, it has no power other than the power we give it... And oddly enough we have the power to change it, big or small...

On January 13th of this year I weighed in on my Spark People account at 358 pounds. Now if you put that in perspective, I weighed roughly the equivalent of 1,432 sticks of butter.

Now as of my weigh in yesterday I am happy to say I weigh the same as 1,320 sticks of butter or 330.4 pounds. (that's 27.6 pounds gone) So if you want to put it in perspective Defensive Tackle Mike Pennel of the Green Bay Packers is 6'4" and weighs in a 332 and he is a NFL player and nearly a foot taller than me...  But I don't think I am getting drafted anytime soon...

It's just a number, it doesn't define me... It doesn't run my life... Knowing I am lowering that number and making my quality of life better is my goal... I am so thankful to the team from my Healthy you class for giving me the tools to help me realize I really can do this... That it's ok to make mistakes, that it's ok to stop and evalute my progress and if it's not working the way I am doing it, I can try it a different way... But I KNOW I CAN'T GIVE UP ON ME!!!!

The number on the scale does NOT define who I am...

People are probably going what in the world drove me to share something like this???

I will say it this simply... and I will end for today...

3 things happened...

A friend noticed and told me and encouraged me...

A "familiar stranger" noticed and told me...and encouraged me...

A friend stood up for me... and it encouraged me...


The number on the scale does NOT define who You are...

Monday, June 20, 2016

6.20.16

Certain times of the year bring on stronger emotions for me and this time makes no exceptions... With yesterday being Father's Day it stirs up a lot of emotions, not just for the fact that I lost my Dad to Cancer almost 18 years ago, but because I am so far away from my big brothers so I don't even have them around to celebrate with. So Mom and I make it a point of having a special celebratory dinner in honor of Dad each year and have things we believe he would have enjoyed. Each year the meal is different but the dessert is always the same, Baskin Robbins.

So this year we chose Burger King, because my Dad enjoyed their Whoppers. Following are uneventful dine in experience we headed down to BR to get a scoop of mine and Mom's favorite, Peanut Butter and Chocolate, topped with Dad's Favorite, Pralines and Creme. It always brings a smile to my face when we talk about old times with Dad and the fun we had. Sadly, sometimes I feel like those memories are fading for me, because maybe I don't talk about him enough, or I didn't have enough time with him.

The relationship with a Mother and Daughter is so special and so connected and I love my Mom so much, but the relationship with a Dad with his little girl is special to. He was my protector and the one that would drive out to Six Flags to pick me up after my late shifts were over before I could drive. He would call me Zelda and we would listen to AM talk radio together; he especially liked Rush Limbaugh. He would buy Mom yellow gas station roses and he would tear up when I would sing. He would tell me if I could put all of my school work to music I would have straight A's. Even though he didn't always say it out loud, he loved me so much. Besides Mom, he was my biggest fan and I miss him so much,

I know he would be so proud of me for picking up everything and moving to Florida to live out my dream of working for Disney. I also know he would hold my hand through the hard times, the stressful times, and cheer me through the amazing times.  He would be there to pick me up when I felt knocked down by others, help me brush myself off and help me hold my head up and carry on. I also know he would pray me through it all, right along side Mom.

Your Zelda misses you dad...


Sunday, June 5, 2016

6.5.16

So 126 days in and 22 pounds down and feeling pretty good physically but mentally I am struggling within myself still on a daily basis and I know that will happen because I am human. I know I should be getting out there and exercising and working out and all sorts of things but right now mentally all I can handle is the dietary changes and tracking how many steps I am taking per day and on days like today when I barely broke 1500 I feel like I failed myself somehow. But on the flip side I was under my calories, just barely and I should be happy, but I guess it's just a case of the throwing other feelings I am going through into the container and slamming the lid shut on them kind of day to deal with them later.

Sometimes all you can do is take one step at a time and for me, my step is getting the calories under control. I still struggle with wanting to over eat and so I have to prepackage my breakfast and lunches for work and Mom and I menu plan our dinners so I know what to expect caloric wise. Some days are great and others not so great but its all about portions control and being mindful of what I put into my body.

I am glad I decided to start using My Fitness Pal again and I am glad my Mom is so willing to let me cook healthier for us because let me tell you, she is looking great! The hard part for me, because I am much bigger than her is that when you carry more weight it is harder to notice when you lose the same amount of weight as someone else. When we look at photos from 3 months ago you can see a pretty significant difference for her, but not for me. All I can do is go by how my clothes are starting to fit differently and for now I will have to take it.

People are over weight for many different reasons, mine was self made as I have said before. It started out as a hiding place and it just became more and more of a comfort. Well, now that I have found a freedom from my past fears, I don't need that shelter or comfort any longer and like therapy I have to begin the journey of shedding the layers I have built up after all of these years of abusing my body. Like a child learns to walk and talk, I have to learn how to feed myself properly and then I have to strengthen my body with exercise.

But all of this in my time... one step at a time... my journey...

Musicsongbird

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

5.24.16

So very often we take our emotions and we stuff them into containers instead of facing them head on... And when those containers get too full they can't hold it any longer and they just explode... You see I have a hard time being honest with people I am close to because for to long I have held my tongue because I have felt like I have never truly felt like my opinion mattered or was valued... That I was always told simply that my thoughts weren't right and theirs was and that was that... So over time instead of voicing what I had to say I would just mash it down in my emotions container; whether it was anger or disgust or shame or sadness and just keep pushing it down and slamming the lid shut on top and hoping nothing would spill out...

Tonight I learned something really important about the detriment to that... You push and shove to much of that down and at some point and time its all going to come spewing out at once like an erupting volcano and you may have to face it and so will others around you whether they want to or not...

For too long in my life I have allowed myself the negative self talk and I have allowed others to make choices for me because I was afraid to offend or hurt their feelings... But in reality I was damaging myself in the process because I was allowing others to walk over me and take advantage of my kindness... I am not saying I can't do for others bit what I am saying is that I need to start speaking up when I have something to say and not be silent because I think they are going to get upset if I voice my thoughts when they ask me for them...

As most of you that really know me or who have been reading my blog for awhile I can be pretty passionate about things and sometimes I am not even letting the real me completely show because that can be scary... Because who truly wants to meet the true person we are inside? What if I don't like the real me? Or what if I am even more awesome than I am now? Can i take that chance?

To empty my containers I need to be ready to face so pretty powerful pent up emotions, but do it in a safe and constructive, non-destructive behavior sort of way... No drinking or over eating, but in a way that is going to create positive healing and not a black hole of nothing... Then I have to come to the realization that the only way I will be truly happy is letting go of past hurts and healing from them and learning to love who I am and excepting me for who I am right now...

And when I can do those things I will be on my way to happiness, but I will not find it with the perfect job... I won't find it making a bunch of money... I won't find it in financial security... I won't find it with the perfect man (because no one is perfect, especially me)... I won't find it in a new car or new house or with 3.5 kids... I need emotional  healing and so do most of us and until we find that, we will never be truly happy...

musicsongbird

Monday, May 16, 2016

5.16.16

So I am on an amazing, difficult, stressful, relaxing, relentless, exciting, dramatic, painful, drawn out, extreme, life changing journey of weight-loss right now... I have been using the My Fitness Pal app for 106 days and haven't missed a log in yet. I log all of my food and beverage intake and my exercise as well. Right now the exercise consists of walking to my locations at work instead of driving when I can and then walking on my weekends with my bestie.  I am working myself back to working out like I used to, it's little steps. This is a marathon not a 50 yard dash...

I am finding that I am craving fresh foods instead of fast... I am loving veggies and fruits especially the fresh blueberries you can pick right now at local farms... We are going for the 3rd weekend in a row this week... I am getting great satisfaction from picking my own food and seeing where it comes from... I am finding my passion for cooking again...

I hate to admit it Mom, but for awhile I was regretting coming home to cook dinner, but now with all of these fresh ingredients we have been using, I actually look forward to it! I like bringing my lunch to work, I am finding joy in preparing it and packing it in my bag... I also am really loving my yummy yogurt and cereal and fresh fruit every morning... I am just feeling better each day...

The best part, besides the weight loss, is going down steps and not being afraid my knees will give out... I am feeling a strength in them that I haven't felt in a few years... I am not feeling the joint pain I was once feeling... It's not perfect every day but it is so much better than it was...

I have realized so many things this time around that I will continue to share but for tonight I will add one thing... Having people cheer you on and share your journey with you, makes it that much easier to make it down the road... When you do things in secret, you don't get the true support you need to help you through the tough days and the plateaus when you need a buddy the most...

If anyone needs a buddy add me on My Fitness Pal - Musicsongbird

106 days / 20.6 pounds!

Never Give up!
Never Surrender!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

4.30.2016

So no one said it was going to be easy but I am making little changes that are making a big impact on my day to day life... 90 days ago I re-downloaded the Myfitnesspal app and have been logging my food and exercise everyday and I am honestly seeing a difference in what I eat and how I feel...

No one said this journey would be easy or quick but day by day I notice new things and feel a little better... I think my Mom said it best this weekend when she said that she never thought she would enjoy eating healthy foods... and I totally agree... I still have people ask if I am dieting and I have to tell them how much I dislike that word, DIET...

When you Diet it is so temporary... It makes me think of fads that come and go, usually not under a doctor's supervision and usually involving cutting out something like carbs or everything white or all sugars or everything with green stripes or some odd reasoning behind it... I prefer to look at what I am doing as a lifestyle overhaul... You see, cause with all of the changes I am making I have no intention of ever going back to the sizes I am leaving behind... I have done the fad diets, the no carbs and the no sugar and the cut the gluten or the smoothies for a week etc..etc... and they work for awhile but you know what happened in the end... Well if you have ever seen me then you can probably guess...

I haven't always carried around an extra person, but the older I got the heavier I got... I did this, no one else... I love food and it has been a great companion... I used it as a comforter and protector, as something to cheer myself up and as a reward... I have decided for myself that I will no longer let food have that kind of control over me... I need to remember what food is for and not give it any more status than what it actually is... Food is here for us as nutrition to fuel our body... yes it's fun to use it to celebrate every once in a while but when did we decide it was something to use as a reward, especially is we are losing weight? That shouldn't even be in our mind set... Congratulations you just lost 20 pounds here is a 500 calorie piece of cheesecake???

Stop!!! Rewind... It's time to start reminding ourselves that we aren't animals and we shouldn't reward ourselves with food like we do our pets or they do the animals at the zoo... If you have lost 20 pounds maybe your shirt is baggy, reward yourself with a new one and donate your old one to a charity! And then share your experience with others so than maybe someone else can feel as good as you do when they reach a goal they set for them self!

You are worth more than a 500 calorie piece of cheesecake...
musicsongbird

Sunday, April 17, 2016

4.17.2016

I forgot what it' felt like to eat healthy... When I lived alone I ate a certain way because I didn't have a lot of money and so I spent my money wisely but on healthier choices and I found myself losing weight and now all of these years later I am consciously tracking the food I am putting in my body and I find that the longer I track it, the more I feel my cravings changing... Does this mean I don't want a piece of cake or a cookie now, absolutely not, it just means I don't find myself wanting to mindlessly sit down and pout away a bag of chips or candy or cookies... I feel like I am OK with just a little something...

If you don't allow yourself a variety of foods then you will end up sabotaging yourself in the end... I think the less extra sweets I have, other than fruits which are naturally sweet, the less processed sweets I crave... Before I couldn't drive past Krispy Kreme or Baskin Robbins without wanting to pull in... Now I'm OK with a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios after dinner for something sweet if I need a little something on the sweet side...

I am trying to get at least 5000 steps per day but some days are better than others... It's hard when you work in an office and don't always get away from it during the day but I am hoping that once I get the food under control, then the exercise routine will soon follow... I know that every pound I loose helps make that much more of a difference to the arthritis in my knees...

This past weekend we had storms roll through and one of my cats was unaccounted for, so being a good cat mom I went looking for her and the first place I went to look was under the beds... Well a few years ago that was a whole lot easier to do... Now getting down is a lot easier than getting back up... Ever since I injured both of my knees, about a year a part from each other, arthritis has reared it's ugly head and kneeling or squatting is out of the question without me be in horrible pain... So I have to quickly get onto my tummy and then when I need to get up I have to think about how I can get up just as quickly with the least amount of pain... I hope and pray that one day, I will lose enough pain that I can get on the floor and get up again and not want to scream at the top of my lungs...

Mom always says it sucks to get old... Well it really sucks even more when you are fat and you get old... because you are cutting your time shorter and your quality of life as well, so this is my time to do what is best for me...

musicsongbird

Monday, April 11, 2016

4.11.2016

I messed up tonight, I lost another fight
I still mess up but I'll just start again
I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground
I always get up now to see what's next

[Pre-Chorus]
Birds don't just fly, they fall down and get up
Nobody learns without getting it wrong

[Chorus]
I won't give up, no I won't give in
Till I reach the end and then I'll start again
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won't give up, no I won't give in
Til I reach the end and then I'll start again
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

[Verse 2]
Look at how far you've come, you filled y`our heart with love
Baby you've done enough, take a deep breath
Don't beat yourself up, don't need to run so fast
Sometimes we come last, but we did our best

[Chorus]
I won't give up, no I won't give in
Til I reach the end and then I'll start again
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won't give up, no I won't give in
Til I reach the end and then I'll start again
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

[Bridge]
I'll keep on making those new mistakes
I'll keep on making them every day
Those new mistakes


Shakira - Try Everything "Zootopia" Soundtrack



From the moment I heard this song I knew it was going to be a new addition to my get me up and moving songs on my phone, computer, etc... The beat gets you moving but the words just hit me right away... So very often I have given up on things before I even began... Obviously this is my first rodeo when it comes to the weight-loss journey but for some reason as much as I believed I could do it there was always a small sliver of doubt in the back of my mind saying it's impossible and just give up... I don't know why this time feels so different...  

Maybe it's the support of certain people this time around that didn't have before... Maybe it's the decisions I have made within myself like it says in the song, "I won't give up, No I won't give in, til I reach the end and then I'll start again. No I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail..."

Because in light of it, the only way I would truly fail is if I give up completely and never try at all and that is not going to happen. I haven't been very healthy for the first few months of this year and it has been hard because of being sick I missed out on a lot of goodbyes in my both of my locations as well as quite a few hellos as well. You don't get those moments back and it's a lot harder to build that relationship with people when you meet them later on. 

I don't want to be sick like that at the beginning of the year anymore, just like I am every year... I know part of that issue is because I am not physically healthy... If I were more physically fit then my body could fight of disease better and I wouldn't get sick like that as often... 

Another huge thing that hit me this weekend that solidified my determination to be healthier and make better choices was balancing my check book for the first time in a long while... I am embarrassed to say that since March 22, 2015 I have spent, Mom don't read this part OK...$414.70 just on McDonalds. Sometimes that was breakfast with Mom and a lot of times it wasn't... I know, I could have paid for a Disney Cruise with that money... I don't want to think of the calories wasted either because honestly it makes me sick just thinking of it...

So taming the fast food beast, recreating my eating habits, retraining my brain to crave the right food and physical activity... Special shout out to the "She Hulk" for taking me for a Walk today ;)   LOL!!!

Just remember to Try Everything!
Musicsongbird


Thursday, April 7, 2016

4.7.2016

It's been a long month... I haven't written in awhile again. I go through these peaks and valleys where I just don't feel like communicating out of my finger tips and right now I guess Yelping tonight got my juices flowing.

So to catch you up I have started a pretty huge step over the past month, I am and have been actively tracking my food and calories and steps/activity through an app called My Fitness Pal and as painful as it is some days I do it. It's not easy realizing what you are actually putting into your body. Entering in steps and calories burned is easy because you get those calories back, but definitely not the opposite. But I have had some really supportive friends and it's made it a lot easier this time around and believe me I have been around this block a time or twelve, but this time it definitely feels different.

This time I feel more thoughtful I think... I feel more focused... Now if I can just get my body to cooperate I will be in a great place... We had a team outing today and I got in over 9000 steps one of the higher days I have had this year due to all of my sickness and it makes me so frustrated because I used to have days like that all of the time and I didn't go home at the end of the day feeling like I had been hit like a mac truck like I did today after a 4 hour team outing...

But I have to remember that being sick off and on for 3 months did a number on my body and so did the past 20+ years of adding pound after pound on to my joints...

I didn't put all of this weight on over night and it's not going to come off like that either. I have to be ok with the 1-2 pounds a week. I also have to be ok with the 0-.25 pounds per week sometimes because stuff happens. But I have to realize when it starts becoming weeks of gains instead of loss; it is time to reevaluate...

Is it time for you to reevaluate???


Musicsongbird

Thursday, March 10, 2016

3.10.2016

What a whirlwind of a week... I am so tired but I am equally proud of myself... For the first time in I can't remember when I actually walked all the way from the Biergarten backstage to cast services and then from there back to my office behind Mission Space... That isn't all... Then later on I took a round trip from my office to Norway and back with my boss, walking both ways...

No coughing episodes, no major wheezing, just feeling a little worn out but feeling proud of myself for not giving up today... I didn't quite make it to 10,000 steps but I am almost there and I will get back to that number on a consistent basis again, but until I do I will continue to take things one step at a time...

The hardest thing to realize when you are trying to lose weight is that it takes time... You didn't put the weight on all in one sitting, so unless you plan on having surgery or liposuction, you aren't going to have it all come off in one sitting wither...

1-2 pounds per week is the safe way to do it... Small simple changes to your day to day life make the biggest impact... I realized that by tracking my calories with an app like MyFitnessPal and counting my steps with my Samsung Gear Fit I am more aware of what is going in my body and how much I am really truly moving it...

You also have to realize what works best for you... There isn't one cookie cutter solution for everyone, you have to find what works best for you!

But if you need a MyFitnessPal let me know ;)

Musicsongbird

Sunday, March 6, 2016

3.6.2016

So this is my second attempt at blogging this month... Last night was the first... For the past 24 hours this was a blank page because at first I thought I knew what I wanted to say and then at the last minute I crapped out... I know it has been a month since I last wrote and so many thoughts have passed through this mind of mine and gone to waste but I guess there are just times I feel like they aren't worth sharing or they are better left unsaid...

I have been doing a lot of self talk lately because sometimes I am the best one to understand what I am going through... Plus I need to talk myself through it to try and make sense of it or try and handle it...

One thing I have never been secretive about in this blog is my weight battle and I am not about to be... In fact I am tracking it and watching it more than I have in a long time and I am trying to make a valiant effort these days...  Many realizations have hit me recently a big one being I am wasting my life being overweight and when I get sick it is even harder to function being overweight and sick... I got sick at the beginning of the year and that rolled into an upper respiratory infection that stretched out into over a month and a half of coughing and airway restriction which has made it hard to get a full breath without causing a coughing fit...

I know there are people who look at me and think, she can't breathe because she is overweight and out of shape, but let me tell you something, up to a certain weight not to long ago I was what you would call fit fat... I played volleyball, I walked at a quick pace, took the steps and never lost my breathe... And still I rarely experience high blood pressure, but I have slowly creeped up on the scale over the past few years and breathing has gotten more labored when I try to walk to long or up steps or hills and be overly physically active, but my BP stays good thankfully...

But since being sick, I have had a even harder time... I am having a tremendous time taking a deep breath without coughing so getting out the door at work to walk to my closest area is scary and so I have been staying away or when I have to go, I drive the short distance...

Well, today I finally got brave... I had to go to meet a trainee and where I had to take them really didn't have vehicle access so I mustered all of my strength and I said a little prayer and I headed out the door or the office. I made to the other building and then on to the location and then back to my office... It wasn't easy and I had to take it a little slower than I used to in the past, but I am happy to say that after over 2 months of being basically office bound I did it... And today was just the start...

If I can take on this lung issue, I can battle the weight issue even harder... I still have to do it my way, but I will do it...

Musicsongbird

"Never give up, Never surrender!" - Tim Allen "Galaxy Quest"

Monday, February 8, 2016

2.8.16

I ran across this post today and it really hit close to home for me in so many ways... Well actually it spoke to the old me... The me before meds, before therapy, before the honesty with myself... I still have the depression diagnosis, but my suffering isn't what it was... There are still times I have tears for no reason... There is still times I can't explain what I am feeling, I just simply have no words... but if I pray for peace and focus on God's grace I know I can overcome those feelings of loneliness and sadness...

For those that do not suffer from Depression you will never understand the darkness it causes... The pain and sadness you can feel...The absolute desperation of it all to just stop being so sad...

This is probably why I try and live my life in such a positive way... Always smiling sharing love with everyone I meet... If I am always smiling and forcing the happy, I never have to feel the pain trying so desperately to bubble up from the depths...

So often when I am hurting and I don't know why, my friends want me to talk about it, but how do you talk about something, when you don't know what is causing the hurt?

At that point the only thing I know that makes the pain easier to face is a warm hug and a promise to be there when they are needed the most...

Musicsongbird

Thursday, February 4, 2016

2.4.16

I find life funny... Well really people are...  We do so much to impress others from dressing better, or losing weight, or buying expensive toys, or bad mouthing others because you think it makes you look better... We put on a show... So very often we pretend to be someone we aren't to be friends with people that aren't worth the time of day because in the end you know that no matter how much BS comes out of their mouth saying I have your back or we are in this together, in the end it's just words. When they say actions speak louder than words, that is where my faith begins.

I believe God has gotten me through a lot in my 42 years of life, thanks to an amazing family and some extremely special friends. Ones I have known for years and a few I have only had the pleasure of knowing a short time. I have learned that the words of a friend are only as good as the actions that follow, because many of the so called friendships I thought I had were just friends by speech and not friends of action.

Friends of speech are ones that can talk a good game. They say all of the right things but in the end that's all they are. Empty words and no substance.

Then there is the friend that stands in the balance. They have the words and they are part action but they are only there for a short time. It's the friend God puts there for a moment. For a particular task in your life. Maybe it's for a growing lesson, but usually they are a memorable one but they aren't usually there forever.

The friends of action are the ones that can back up the talk. They are the ones that are there ready to hold your hand or give you a shoulder to cry on, even if it's thousands of miles away, or just on the other side of the corner...

Your action friends have the highest chance of becoming the best kind of friend... The forever kind... The one that is there for you through it all and you for them... These are few but you don't need a lot, because that's what a forever friend is all about...

Musicsongbird



Monday, February 1, 2016

2.1.2016

What a whirlwind of a month... Being sick most of the month hasn't been very magical that's for sure but being down for the count left my mind free a lot of the time to do some thinking...

I am sure at some point I have written about this over the past few years but it came back to smack me in the face this past week... Self deprecating humor...

I should know better but for so long I have had that mind set that if I make people laugh, even if it is at my own expense, it's OK because people are laughing and having a good time and it's not hurting anyone because I am the one making the jokes... Except that isn't entirely true... Little by little the more we tear down ourselves with these mindless jokes we are tearing apart our own self worth... Words can be just as damaging when they come from our own mouths when we say them to our selves as the words others say to us... And of we say them enough, we start believing them just like when others say them to us...

Now how did it all come back to smack me in the face? A friend used my own words to join in... Something I never thought they would do...Usually when you say something bad about yourself, even jokingly people's knee jerk reaction is either to stare in disbelief, giggle nervously and try and change the subject or to jump to your defense... This time it wasn't the case... This time they joined in... This time they added on their own actions and others in the group started laughing and all I could do was slowly shrink away and wait for the moment to pass...

Can I really be upset over this? Do I have a right at this point? I started it, I egged it on... I encouraged it by allowing it for so long...

So today it ends... A new month has begun and the negative self speak has got to stop...

My new plan is that every time I start to think about a negative thought about myself, I will stop and write down 3 positive things about myself...No matter I am doing...

It is time we all start to retrain our brains and learn to speak differently and honestly with ourselves...

Musicsongbird

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

1.13.2016

    Sometimes you laugh to cover the tears...
I had an over all good day today... Nothing remotely terrible in fact... At one point a friend sent me a virtual drink through Instant messenger and when I inquired why, she replied that she didn't like to drink alone... Which of course caused me to reply with many lols... Of course do not worry, the only drinking we did on the job was water and maybe tea for me and possibly a pop or soda for her... Don't want anyone to think we are up to naughty things in our trailer...

Focusing on being happy has been a great tool in keeping the stresses of every day life at bay, however it can't fix everything... Sometimes little things slip through and we have to face realities that we haven't wanted to admit to ourselves because they hurt to much...

I have been writing this blog off and on for some time now and with a title like Skinny girl in a fat body obviously there are weight battles I deal with on a daily basis... I faced one of my little unhappy feelings tonight while talking with my Mom after helping move somethings out of the shed... You may have said I had an epiphany or may I just had a face slap of truth, but guess what??? Being FAT SUCKS...

I went home, like not Florida home but mid-west home, on an airplane for Christmas to surprise my family and to have to first ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender and than pray that the flight wouldn't be full and then once I knew it wasn't pray again that no one wanted to sit in my row so I can be extra comfy for the flight so I could spread out that was just the beginning... Next I had to pray they would upgrade my car rental from an itty bitty car to at least the next size up to make sure I could fit in it comfortably to drive, which thankfully when you arrive after a 40 minute delay of taking off to begin with and you don't arrive until after midnight all they have are standard or intermediate they have to upgrade you for free...

The final thing I had to face was waiting for my family to open the door on Christmas morning and see me standing there... I am 78 pounds heavier than I was 9 years ago when I spent my last Christmas with my family... Of course looking at photos that were taken, you won't see me in many, you may hardly be able to tell I was there... At least from any that are on my phone... The ones that I have seen I hate looking at... I don't want to see them posted, they make me want to sob, even though I let my mom post the few that I may be in on her FB page...

Maybe this is my rock bottom, maybe this is what I finally needed... but I know what I don't need... A 1000 coaches... A 1000 comments of advice... I don't do well with people bombarding me, telling me what I should or shouldn't do... So please, as I have asked before, be a good cheerleader on the sideline and when you see a touchdown or even a field goal please cheer me on...

musicsongbird...


Tuesday, January 12, 2016

1.12.2016

     There is nothing more worrisome than to have your text alert go off at 6:30 in the morning from a friend because you never know what it will bring... Well this morning it was news that she was not well and wouldn't be coming into work today... Well how did this effect me exactly? Well, she was training the class I am currently shadowing to facilitate... The class I have only shadowed once and have only read through the script, if you include my time in the class I attended at Work University and yesterday when I shadowed her that would equal the amount of times I have thus far actually read the entire script... So again, how does this effect me? Since I am sure Work has many people that train said class... Um well there is the rub... In our park there are exactly 6; my friend that called in, myself, 2 others still learning the class and 2 more that know the class but come in at or after the time the class is scheduled to start and there are 9 trainees enrolled to attend at 8:00 am.

So an hour and a half later I am greeting my first class... and I didn't look back until 11:00 am and let me tell you; sometimes all you can do is hold your nose, squeeze your eyes closed and jump in feet first to the deep end of the pool. This is a class I will never forget. They were engaging and happy to be taking on this new role. It was one of those groups that you could have sat and talked with for hours but sadly you are on a time schedule and you have to stick to it as best you can...

After the class I was downloading with my leader and I jokingly asked if I needed to do anymore shadows if I promised to work on memorizing the training script... She told me I was good...

and my happiness continued another day...
musicsongbird

Trading my Sorrows

Monday, January 11, 2016

1.11.2016

      It was so nice to be back to work today. I do feel bad that a coworker/friend got a little scared when I sent her the following photo yesterday. Well the photo wasn't the scary part, the scary part was the fact that the photo never went through but the text following it did... Which read

"Having a cat scan to finally find out what's wrong with me"

 Did I mention I have been sick for the past week and I called out sick yesterday and went home sick on my last day of work last week AND missed work the day prior to that... Um January Jokes??? I can't be blamed that her phone wasn't accepting my picture message? Besides after she panicked at the text she ran to another coworker/friend and showed her my text which she promptly replied...well I won't quote her, but let's just say she
politely informed her that she may be slightly off her rocker (my words which are a little nicer than what may or may not have been actually said because I was not there and I am getting this second hand) because I had posted the photo on FB and Instagram earlier with the same tag, but since she is on neither she didn't see it. So all was good. :)

Here's something to be happy about!
A hearty guffaw will burn more calories than a nervous titter, but researchers at Vanderbilt University found adults burn an average of 1.3 calories per minute while laughing with their friends.  That’s about the same number of calories you burn while taking notes in a classroom or standing and talking on the phone.  But laughter has other benefits besides burning calories, including relief of emotional stress and a  workout for the muscles of the diaphragm, abdomen, back, and shoulders.

 Remember, Happiness and Joy are the words for the year! Laughter gets the old metabolism going so find something that tickles your funny bone and get to giggling!
\Musicsongbird

Sunday, January 10, 2016

A NEW YEAR HAS COME 1.10.2016

     It's been sometime since I have last written and I realized I was a lot happier and healthier when I was blogging.  As I was going through my photos from my holiday trip home I found this "wonderful" gem of me watching Brave in 3-D at my SIL's Dad's house and all I think is Wow, not my best look. And I have some work to do. But how does the year start off for me?  Aches, pains and sickness for the past week and now that I am finally feeling better, I am ready to get moving again and start doing something positive for myself so I don't have to start another year looking like this again.
     I was doing so well at the beginning of last year and then life and stress started getting the upper hand and in the end I came in last and the food came in first.
    Plus by the end of the year I was an emotional roller coaster letting the nasty ones in my life run my emotions instead of me taking a stand against them. Sadly sometimes when you are the only one standing up against them it makes it hard to win the battle or at least make it through it unscathed. Even when people stand on the sidelines and cheer, it isn't the same if they never pick up a sword and fight next to you for what is right. But with that being said, this year is going to be a very different one for me in many ways.
     New choices, new journeys, and if that means leaving some people behind than that's what is best for me, because in the end, it's what is best for my health and well being.
    A little while ago I did one of those silly facebook things about your word for the new year and mine in Happiness. So words like Happiness and Joy and Peace, those are the words I will focus on this year.
 So when the nasty ones try and rear their ugliness I will focus on being happy. On finding joy and focus on peace.  I will choose these things each day and I will not let them bring me down to their misery that they choose to wallow in. I willow not be the company for their misery that they desire. God put me where I am to bring a smile and to bring joy to others.  Only I can let them take my joy from me and only I can share that joy with them. And as we know it is much better to give...
A New year has come and I have returned...
Musicsongbird