Wednesday, July 29, 2015

2015...7.29

Why Peace? Why a semi colon? Why a heart? Why a tattoo on the inside of my wrist?

It is kind of funny how those are the questions I really haven't received... Most everyone has just looked and said, hmm... pretty... or nice... 
 
So first things first... The semi colon...
 
For those that don't understand the meaning of the semi colon movement, here it is in a nut shell, straight from the website... Amy Bleuel of Green Bay, Wisconsin; founded the non-profit Project Semicolon in 2013, a decade after losing her father to suicide and in the wake of her own years of despair and self-injury, to try and provide hope and support for people with mental illness.

“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to,” explains the website for her faith-based movement. “The author is you and the sentence is your life.”

So when I read this story about the project I knew my newest art project had to include something that would help bring me meaning and peace to myself... Because really that is what a tattoo is for anyway... Each of my tattoos have a meaning to me and this one probably means the most...

When I tell someone, it's my Mom's handwriting, they usually say it's sweet, but no one asks for an explanation... I mean, I do say that Mom always tells me, Peace... When I get worked up, so i got it to help me focus on that, but there is more... There is always more...

As a sex abuse survivor and someone who suffers from depression each day can be a battle... So many people see the person I allow them to see... But for so many years I hid the person I didn't want people to see... My friends and co-workers often tell me I'm such a great actress or I am the life of the party, but sadly there are times that I am laughing on the outside and falling apart on the inside... Not so much now, thanks to therapy and happy pills and lots of prayer, but I had my dark days...

I would be lying to myself if I said suicide never crossed my mind, there were times when I still lived in St. Louis, especially when my Dad was sick, that when things got too hard that I thought about hurting myself, about making things easier on everyone and just disappearing... Even a few years ago I thought that way as well... 

I mean I know God loves me and my family and my BFF, but there are times I feel like I am more of a burden than I am worth, and now when those nasty thoughts start to sneak in, I hear the tattoo needle and I turn over my wrist and I see that sweet word my mom whispers too me... and then I pause; and I take a breath and I know the story can go on in a happier direction... That the darkness will give way to light... Because light will win... I simply need to pray for God's Peace to fall over me and I will be OK again... He will carry me through the dark times just as He has before...

Probably the most sweet reaction to my tattoo that I received happened when I was visiting my Germany babies saying goodbye to a few of them that were leaving... One of my newer babies that is facebook friends with me asked to see my tat and as soon as she realized the heart was a semicolon she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a huge hug and gave me a kiss on the head... One of my other babies that was standing with us wasn't sure why she reacted why she did and so she quickly explained to her in German and her reaction was exactly the same and so here we were standing in the Germany Biergarten off to the side, with two of my Disney Babies showing me that even though we come from different lands and different backgrounds, and we have only known each other a short time, they truly care about my mental well being...

Remember: “The author is you and the sentence is your life.”


Musicsongbird