Wednesday, October 21, 2015

2015...10.21

With my birthday rapidly approaching I realized something... I'm at that year that many of my friends have already past; the year that you just aren't into it... The year you just don't want to get a year older... The year you don't want to admit you are a year older... I'm only tuning 42, but for some reason this year it's more than that and I just am not excited and believe me I am person that gets excited for Birthdays...

This year I feel as though maybe it's just going to be another day and it really doesn't matter and it will pass like any other day...

just like this post...

Sunday, August 30, 2015

2015...8.30

If you don't care for a parent or a loved one you probably won't understand but maybe this will help you understand what someone goes through that does... Maybe you know or maybe you don't but I live with my amazing 71 almost 72 year young mom... It is my pleasure to share my life and home with her... Which it is actually her home but it is our home but anyway we are roomies and we take care of each other...However it is slowly becoming me taking care of her and it's OK...

And I say that because for  most of my life she has taken care of me... Because that is what parents are there for... They made us... and the good ones watch over us and still try and take care of us, even when we don't necessarily want them too, even though we secretly want them too, but we don't want to admit it...

Well, this past Friday my sweet Mom had carpal tunnel surgery and being the only child living with her and living near her, I had to take her to the surgery center and wait and be there to speak with the doctor and laugh with the nurse and then sit awkwardly by as the nurse dressed her following the surgery... Now I said sit awkwardly is because I felt like she was taking my job... I thought, "Hey, why are you doing that? That's my job..." But as I watched her, she was just as gentle and patient and maybe slightly more patient as I would have been. She treated her like she probably treats her own mom... It made me smile...

When I texted my middle brother I told him Mom only had the left wrist done, he text back an inside joke about not having to help mom in a certain awkward situation, which I of course LOL'd right back... But of course Saturday night God had a funny way of paying me back for that because I ended up helping mom take a shower... We will just leave it at that... But I will say this...

I find myself extremely humbled by this experience and I realize just how much a parent does for their child... And just what we take for granted... I realize I have so much to give back and if it means doing something I never thought I would do, I will smile and reassure my Mom it's ok, and I will do it, because she is my Mom and I love her...

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

2015...8.18

I don't know which way is up right now... A lot of internal struggle going on... Work is fine for once... Things slowing down... Starting to make sense... But personally coming to many conclusions in my mind after a great staycation with the SIL... Sister in Law... Thoughts about personal fears and such, things I am not really ready to reveal... Not feeling confident in how much I truly wish to share...

Another wall I must learn to go over, or better yet bust through but this one is going to need huge dynamite... This one is going to need something even bigger than what it took to realize that I am a survivor... 

Because admitting you are a survivor is one thing, facing fears that come with being one is a whole new journey...

On top of it I am dealing with emotions over another situation involving someone near and dear that I want to talk to them about something but am afraid to broach the subject because I feel as though they already know how I feel but I don't think they are ready to truly discuss what they are feeling so all I can do is patiently wait until they are ready... And hope they feel as though they will confide in me and come to me when they feel the time is right for them...

So for now, please be patient my lovely friends and be ready when I need you...

musicsongbird

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

2015...7.29

Why Peace? Why a semi colon? Why a heart? Why a tattoo on the inside of my wrist?

It is kind of funny how those are the questions I really haven't received... Most everyone has just looked and said, hmm... pretty... or nice... 
 
So first things first... The semi colon...
 
For those that don't understand the meaning of the semi colon movement, here it is in a nut shell, straight from the website... Amy Bleuel of Green Bay, Wisconsin; founded the non-profit Project Semicolon in 2013, a decade after losing her father to suicide and in the wake of her own years of despair and self-injury, to try and provide hope and support for people with mental illness.

“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to,” explains the website for her faith-based movement. “The author is you and the sentence is your life.”

So when I read this story about the project I knew my newest art project had to include something that would help bring me meaning and peace to myself... Because really that is what a tattoo is for anyway... Each of my tattoos have a meaning to me and this one probably means the most...

When I tell someone, it's my Mom's handwriting, they usually say it's sweet, but no one asks for an explanation... I mean, I do say that Mom always tells me, Peace... When I get worked up, so i got it to help me focus on that, but there is more... There is always more...

As a sex abuse survivor and someone who suffers from depression each day can be a battle... So many people see the person I allow them to see... But for so many years I hid the person I didn't want people to see... My friends and co-workers often tell me I'm such a great actress or I am the life of the party, but sadly there are times that I am laughing on the outside and falling apart on the inside... Not so much now, thanks to therapy and happy pills and lots of prayer, but I had my dark days...

I would be lying to myself if I said suicide never crossed my mind, there were times when I still lived in St. Louis, especially when my Dad was sick, that when things got too hard that I thought about hurting myself, about making things easier on everyone and just disappearing... Even a few years ago I thought that way as well... 

I mean I know God loves me and my family and my BFF, but there are times I feel like I am more of a burden than I am worth, and now when those nasty thoughts start to sneak in, I hear the tattoo needle and I turn over my wrist and I see that sweet word my mom whispers too me... and then I pause; and I take a breath and I know the story can go on in a happier direction... That the darkness will give way to light... Because light will win... I simply need to pray for God's Peace to fall over me and I will be OK again... He will carry me through the dark times just as He has before...

Probably the most sweet reaction to my tattoo that I received happened when I was visiting my Germany babies saying goodbye to a few of them that were leaving... One of my newer babies that is facebook friends with me asked to see my tat and as soon as she realized the heart was a semicolon she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a huge hug and gave me a kiss on the head... One of my other babies that was standing with us wasn't sure why she reacted why she did and so she quickly explained to her in German and her reaction was exactly the same and so here we were standing in the Germany Biergarten off to the side, with two of my Disney Babies showing me that even though we come from different lands and different backgrounds, and we have only known each other a short time, they truly care about my mental well being...

Remember: “The author is you and the sentence is your life.”


Musicsongbird


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

2015...6.3

It absolutely amazes me what I am learning about myself and the world around me this week and I feel a bit of a roll coming on...

First I have to say I took myself on a date this past week and allowed some time for myself, just me. No texting friends, but going out and seeing a movie, doing some shopping and just having some alone time and it was quite refreshing... Then I did something I don't normally do, I took a vacation day so I could go to a doctor's appointment or two and then spend some time with the bestie... And I had an incredibly fun and relaxing day... I laughed, I cried a little, I laughed some more, I may have screamed once... maybe twice, just to get a reaction from BFF really and I learned something about myself...

I have always had an extremely hard time expressing myself when I am confronted face to face in a personal situation... Work not so much but personal definitely... Ask the BFF... But when it comes to writing out my thoughts and feelings and emotions I could go on for days... And the way I see it is that I find that if I have to speak a truth or express myself it is easier through writing because I don't have to face the reaction on the receiving end right away... I believe when I was being abused, like other children I was told not to tell or something bad would happen and because of that it has caused me to have a hard time communicating my personal feelings on things sometimes on a count it might hurt someone and bad things can happen... Its also probably why my 1st grade teacher saw me as quiet and grouchy because I was withdrawn...

Maybe I have such a vivid imagination even now because my mind never wants to face what truly happened all of those years ago... I know that is why I am still battling the weight... I know that is still why I battle the depression... These are the reasons I chose happiness... These are the reasons I don't let my past rule my life... I don't let circumstances rule my life... I simply take each moment as it comes and say Lord, can you help me through this?

Is every day easy?  No

Can I find joy in every day? Absolutely...

Because every day you are still breathing and can feel the sun on your face or the wind in your hair is worth celebrating...

Once this life is gone, it's gone...

Stop making excuses for why your life is wrong and make a decision to make things right...

Have an attitude of Gratitude instead of one of self pity...

If you can't love yourself... how in the "world"
are you gonna love someone else...-RuPaul

Musicsongbird

Saturday, May 30, 2015

2015...5.30

 One of the hardest things about living your life out loud is that when you try something and you don't succeed, and then later you attempt that thing again you feel as though you will be judged for it, but in reality, the judgement usually is the judgement you are really feeling form yourself... So often we are worse on ourselves than we are on others... We are our worst critics...

We need to start a new path of positive self talk... Instead of negative talk like... I am so stupid, I am so fat, I am so ugly, I am no good for anyone, etc. etc... We need to start telling ourselves we are worth it, we are beautiful, we are smart, that we are worth it...

So start the positive self speak!

Musicsongbird

Thursday, May 21, 2015

2015...5.21

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift...

It's really funny... I used to sit in weight watchers meetings years ago dreaming of the time when I would reach my goal weight and when I would get the opportunity to share my knowledge and my encouragement with others on their weight-loss journey and become a WW leader... Well sadly I failed at Weight Watchers, OK maybe I didn't fail but I gave up on it... I think the point counting got to be to much for me and I got bored with it so like so many other "diet" programs over my life, I quit...

But I have never given up on that desire to help others on their journey... I guess that is why despite being severely overweight I am still so very passionate about the Healthy Pursuits program at work, because I feel like this finally something that is speaking to me and little by little it helping motivate me... But sadly i still have a few friends that are TOO over zealous and TOO pushy and trying to make me do more that I am personally prepared for and they don't listen to what I have to say and today I had to actually tell them to back off because let me make this clear Friends...

I know you want to help, but when you get PUSHY and DEMANDING about MY health, you make me want to retreat and hide... When I am READY for your help. I will ask... Until then, please let me do it in my time... What works for you may not work for me... In the end this is my battle and if I ask for recruits to help me fight this war be ready for a call, but until then please be patient with me, I am fragile, despite the fluffy exterior...

Now back to my journey toward leadership... So the funny thing about dreams is they can happen even before you reach certain goals... You see I am bigger than when I began WW and yet I have been appointed to help run a healthy living support group of sorts in our office to continue what we accomplished in our first Healthy Pursuits competition this year for work... It's a beginning and I am not always prefect but not even the WW leaders are either...

So stay tuned for updates on my journey and see where this road goes...

musicsongbird

Sunday, May 17, 2015

2015...5.17

I don't understand why people stay in relationships where they are treated like they aren't worth anything, like their opinion is worthless, where they can't go where they want or do what they want without having to report back to the other person, who they aren't even married to... I mean I know mentally some people stay because they truly don't believe they deserve anyone better or that person provides them with a sense of belonging in some twisted way but maybe I have seen to many hurt by relationships like this to just stand by and watch it happen to one more person... 

There is only so much damage you can stand on the sidelines and watch happen before you make the decision to walk away or step in and ask what they are doing? Because, sometimes I honestly don't know if they realize where they are headed when they are finally forced to face the truth... Once someone is brave enough to step out of their comfort zone and show them what is going on...

Either way, you can't carry their burden for them any longer...

You need your freedom from their struggles...

musicsongbird

Thursday, May 14, 2015

2015...5.14

I don't know why I have been putting off writing for so long... I know it is like my other form of therapy and honestly it is so much cheaper and less time consuming and sometimes a lot more emotionally freeing... But I am back, for now...

So much has been going on so many thoughts and emotions trying to keep them from taking control and sadly this was not the week that they stayed in their boxes... They escaped like the evil little creatures they can be...

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster without a secure restraint... My emotions just taking over and not letting me have any kind of control from time to time... The tears just spilling over and rolling down my face... But thankfully there were several little heroes that stood beside me and held my hand and let me cry and get through the pain, fear, anxiety and hurt that I was feeling and I now feel as though I am seeing things clearer once again...

I am realizing that I am not allowing myself enough time for myself... I am also not asking for help when I am feeling overwhelmed... I guess I feel like it's just easier to it myself because there is a fear that in the end after someone else does it, I may have to just do it over and do it again myself, but I need to learn to trust that others can handle the tasks I give them and complete them just as well as I can...

So, I will work on that moving forward...
Musicsongbird

Monday, March 30, 2015

2015...3.30

This has been a very eye opening month... I went the first 24 days of the month without eating extra sugar... Like no cakes or candy or desserts... etc... I stuck with the natural sweets like fruit or granola as a treat... I did go some numbers not saying how many but was feeling better and than vacation arrived... Well needless to say I indulged on everything from Cakes, donuts and candies to the kitchen sink... literally we had the kitchen sink...

Well after five days of this devil may care attitude I can honestly say that I am happy to be back on track and eating the right foods again... I know it's OK to have small bites now and then but going overboard doesn't do anything but make you feel gross and miserable... At one point during my vacation we stopped at a gas station to use the facilities and get something to drink and a little snack and I grabbed a giant Reese's Fast Break bar. First of all, why I found it necessary to grab the king size version instead of the regular size, I cannot begin to understand, maybe because somewhere in my head I figured because I hadn't had a candy bar in over 3 weeks I must have deserved it??? Well, I am going to tell you that love affair is over... I got a few bites in and all I could think is "why am I eating this?" I felt a surge of nausea rush through me and the sugar buzz was no fun at all... It was overly sweet and it almost had a plastic taste to it...

It's kind of nice to finally feel as though my mind and my body are getting in sync where they are both wanting the same thing... Now I need to work off the extra I put on this week and start moving in the right direction once again...

Musicsongbird


Thursday, March 12, 2015

2015...3.12

I was fortunate to get to see the sun come up over Epcot this morning as I participated in a Be Well Cast Event... Myself along with a couple hundred Cast Members from all over property rose with the sun to come together to stretch and shake things up in front of the the fountain of Nations at Epcot and then take a stroll around World Showcase where surprise visitors waited for us around every turn...

We were greeted by my pal Fitz who was then joined by our Disney Ambassador team to welcome us to the Event... Fitz then returned to lead us in a giant group warm up to get us pumped up and ready to walk... She even went as far to create our very own workout called the "Cast Member Stomp"... She was quickly followed by our Park VP Sam Lau who finished off our welcome by bringing the BIG CHEESE himself to the stage "Mickey Mouse" and counting us down to take our walk...

As we walked the promenade we saw all of the beautiful topiary that line the lagoon for the Flower and Garden Festival as well as our infamous "Living" Captain Hook Topiary, and a few scarcely scene meet and greet characters that were brought in exclusively for us...

The walk ended in the Odyssey which was filled with different Health and Wellness vendors along with fresh fruits and breakfast for all of the walkers to make sure we were well nourished following our exercise session...

I felt great, despite my knee feeling a little sore once I returned to my office to begin my work day... I definitely feel like this was a great push for me and is really helping me realize how much I do enjoy being active, that the couch is not my final destination...

Don't let it be yours,
Musicsongbird


Want more information on No Nonsense Weight loss visit my friend Fitz's Site www.fitzness.com

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

2015...3.11

So today was another goodbye Wednesday... They will begin happening more frequently now, since it is arrival time once again... About every two weeks my Germany and Norwegian cast that came a year ago will begin to leave to go home and my new cast will begin to arrive to start their one year programs and so my journey with them will end and begin again...

Many of my co-workers say how they don't get attached but I see how hard it gets for them when certain cast leave as well... I can honestly say it isn't every cast member that leaves that makes me sad because it isn't every single one that you make that special connection with but I would say for me it's a good chunk...

I always do my goodbye visits the same, Norway in the morning and Germany in the afternoon... And today was no different... However today I was saying goodbye to four that I have been very close to throughout this past year... And needless to same I left with tears in my eyes and on my cheeks, despite almost making it out almost tear free...

Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky in Germany... One of the Cast Member's family members were actually there today and was able to meet them and tell the how much I enjoyed working with her and how much I loved having her as one of my trainers and that they should be very proud of her. Tears were flowing through most of my visit to Germany and almost all of my way back to my office...

Some of my friends say I am to emotionally involved and that there will be more coming and leaving but I don't have my own children, just my cats, and I believe that part of my job is to make these young men and women feel like they have someone they can rely on when they are so very far away from home... Someone they can think of as family...

One of my sweet cast members realized and thought it was so sweet that I am there to greet them on their first day at Epcot and that I take the time to come and see them on their last day...

Another one said that even though she only has a few months left, she feels like every time she sees my smiling face, she feels like she has just gotten there for her first day.

And then yet another one told me today as she was hugging me on her last day of her program today, I would be the reason she would want to come back for a second program...

I feel so blessed...

These are my babies...
musicsongbird

Sunday, March 8, 2015

2015...3.8

So it's been a bit again but I have been working hard... I have been working for an entire 8 days of avoiding the sugary items and am feeling great!!!  Beginning March 1st, I said no more cookies, cakes, candies, etc... etc... etc.... I did have Oprah's Iced Chai Tea Latte at Starbuck's yesterday but that was the closest I came to "being bad"... Also didn't really snack this week either unless it was on a single serving of granola, yogurt or fresh fruit.... The strawberries are SOOOOO good right now....

I know I have been talking about the health challenge at work but I really have to give a shout out to my corner plus a few extras at work that are participating... We are working really hard to get healthy and I am so proud of everyone that is really making a n effort I am glad we are all really supporting each other... I hope we can continue this after the competition ends next month...

I also have to give a should out to my new favorite person Fitz... She is an amazing lady that was brought into work to do some health / wellness sessions for us and I really feel like she is who God has placed in my life to really help motivate me and get me moving again... And it isn't just me that feels empowered by her words and wisdom on health, my co-workers do as well... She makes it all clear and understandable... She gives it all to us in little bite that we can take in and understand so it sticks with us... So thank you so much Fitz... You have truly blessed me....

I can't wait to see where these tiny steps take me...

Musicsongbird

Friday, February 27, 2015

2015...2.27

So I am pretty sure my Mom knows every date by heart of when I have blogged... Today she informed me of when my last blog was and if I had asked she probably could have told me what I wrote about... If I haven't said it before, I probably should, this time around I decided that I wanted to give myself more freedom... I felt like when I was blogging everyday, I was forcing myself some days to come up with something to write... This time, it is when I am feeling especially thoughtful or passionate about a particular topic...

I guess I am finally feeling it is time once again...

Over the past month I have been participating in a Health Challenge at work, kind of a biggest loser type competition...Where we compete as teams... I am the health champion for our office and so I send out email reminders to our team's participants about weekly weigh ins and stuff...

I may have said this before but I feel like I need to say it again... I may be overweight, but I still know a lot about nutrition and weight loss... With all of the diets and the coaches and doctors and nutritionists and such I have spoken with throughout the years I have learned so much... Now I just need to put it into practice... You have to think of it this way... You can load a new program onto a computer and leave it and it will stay there and pretty much do nothing but take up space, it may alert you it is there from time to time, but until you give it the command or approval to run, it can't load.... Just like you have the knowledge and the information on being a healthy person... You know you need to watch what you eat and you need to be active but until you follow through and do those things, you won't see a positive end result...

So lets load that program so we can see what the end result will be...

Musicsongbird


Saturday, January 31, 2015

2015...1.31

I don't know if anyone noticed that I return to my original blog title, Skinny Girl in a Fat Girl's Body... But I realized something when I switched it back... I didn't change it because I had a change of mind but because someone else didn't like it... But this is how I feel... I am a skinny girl under all of these layers... These layers of pain and shame I put on my body over the years... And my new goal is to peel them away one pound at a time...

I no longer feel the pain and the shame of my past... Tomorrow begins a new challenge for me... We are doing a Health challenge at work which will require us to not only track the exercise we get but also we will be completing weekly weigh ins.... I am really excited to see where this takes me over the next two months and beyond...

I just know I will take it one step at a time...

Musicsongbird

Monday, January 26, 2015

2015...1.26

If you have never suffered from migraines or had a friend or loved one that has than please don't judge... Many people like me suffer in silence because we don't want to be a burden on anyone...

If you have never suffered from a migraine, let me walk you through what happens to me...

It usually starts out with a dull pain in either my temple or the crown of my head... If I don't do something quick enough, it will gradually grow in pressure... I will start to get the chills and or cold sweats... I lose the color in my face, I go pale... And if it gets bad enough I may lose whatever is in my stomach...

Sometime taking OTC extra strength migraine meds, an ice pack (cold baby chew toy) and a few hours sleep will take care of it, however sometimes the pain doesn't go away completely.... I have had migraines last for days... Where the dull pain hangs on... That's what happened this past weekend...

I am seeking medical help for this continual issue so your prayers are appreciated... I went without having a migraine for years but they have seemed to return with a vengeance....

getting help...
musicsongbird

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

2015...1.20

So this is it... There is a park wide Wellness event beginning February 1st and I am going to participate and really stick to it for it's entirety... Basically it is like the Biggest Loser, but minus Alison, Bob, Dolvett, Jennifer, Jessie, Cheryl, Dr. Huzienga, Dr. Dansinger, a BIG cash prize and corporate sponsors ... See totally the same but very different...

It's an opportunity to have the support of a team, that have a common goal of beating the other teams you are competing against for total bragging rights...and getting healthier in the process  ;)

So, anyone that knows me, knows I have a tendency to make fun of myself so others can't... Total reaction to being bullied as a younger self... Well today was no exception... We were talking about the wellness event and I said, "isn't it funny that the fat girl (meaning myself), is the one leading the health and wellness challenge."  I expected someone to agree with me, but the reaction I received from one co-worker totally took me off guard... She looked me in the eyes and in front of everyone else said that she thinks it's great because maybe I need everyone's support as much as they need mine...

When I was little, in the 6-8 years old range, my oldest brother played football in High School and we would always go to his games... At some point during those years I got a pair of purple and gold pom poms to cheer with, because even though my family would sit up higher in the stands, I always sat near the bottom so I could watch and cheer with the cheerleaders... So I guess it's always been in me to root for others... To cheer on those that don't always get the support... To be the listener when someone needs an ear... Or a shoulder when they need to cry...

There has been so many times in my youth and in my adult life where I just felt like I needed someone to reach out to me, without my having to ask... But then again, no one is really at the game to cheer on the cheerleaders...  Well, this time I am getting my cheers...

Can do...
Musicsongbird


Sunday, January 18, 2015

2015...1.18

Doing better today than yesterday, but that really is the goal isn't it? Welcomed 4 new cast members into my locations and started the goodbyes once again... It's that time of year when my cultural reps begin their final shifts before heading home to begin their lives after Disney...

This isn't my first rodeo with goodbyes, since I have been working for Disney for over 7 years, but there are certain cast members you really get attached to... It's like when you have family that have been visiting and they live in another state and it's time for them to go home, it can become a little emotional... 

I am excited because they are beginning some health challenges at work in the next few weeks and I plan on participating... I remember what it felt like when I played volleyball and it felt so good to be active... What it felt like when I joined a gym all those years ago... 

I need to stop making excuses for what I don't do... Celebrate what I do... And cheer myself on when I make new attempts and succeed... 

I know my limitations, but what disappoints me is that I give up before trying because I am afraid my knee will hurt... Or I am scared I will start coughing... 

I need to realize that I am doing this for me and no one else... I can't care what anyone else thinks because it only really truly effects me when it is all said and done... I am the one that can't do things, I am the one that hurts, I am the one that keeps getting sick... In some ways it does effect others, but the real effect is to myself... 

Doing this for me...
Musicsongbird

Saturday, January 17, 2015

2015...1.17

Today has been a struggle... Who am I kidding, most of the week has been a struggle... I started off with the doctors appointment telling me I still have bronchitis and I missed 2 days of work because of it... Then on Tuesday I started experiencing this insane itching all over my back and other spots on my body... After realizing it wasn't a flea attack from the cats, and knowing I hadn't changed anything in my soaps or detergents, I came to the conclusion that it was probably the antibiotic I had started Sunday...

Well, I am on a new antibiotic and an anti-itch medicine, I am starting to feel better... Except that I had a horrible coughing fit today and as what I can best describe as a mental meltdown... My head just couldn't take much else at that point and I lost it... Tears pouring down my face for no reason...

But I am here, still breathing, although labored from time to time... I realize now that it was fear running rampant today because the itching in my back really reminds me of when my dad was sick... Before they fully diagnosed his lung cancer... His back itched constantly and I just remember scratching his back for him and rubbing lotion on it to try and stop the itching...

I'd be lying if I said I had no fear of what the doctor may or nay not have found in my x-ray, which I will find out on Monday afternoon... But I know that I can just sit back and not be healthy...

I won't go into the amount of crap that went into my body in the past 24 hours... It was ridiculous... Something has to give, something has to change... I have to change...

Please don't take this as an invitation to offer advice... I am saying this right now... This is my battle and if I ask for your help it is one thing, but please don't offer unsolicited advice... I have done so many diets, I have taken so many different products and I know all of the tricks... I have been through weight watchers and health coaches.., I now need to take those tools and make the changes...

My battle
Musicsongbird

Sunday, January 11, 2015

2015...1.11

When is this bronchitis going to go away??? Just when I think I am doing better, BAM, I am sick again... Or still...

When I was checking out at the pharmacy the young lady ringing me out commented on how crazy they have been with people being sick, the x-ray technician that performed my chest x-rays commented on  how a lot of people are coming through sick and then I turn on the radio on the way home to a commercial talking about the flu epidemic going on here in Orlando and I feel thankful it is only acute bronchitis...

Thank you BFF for convincing me to go back to the doctor. I have had some trepidation about going but I know it was what was for my best...

I will now close and tell you all to be well and take good care of yourself... Listen to your body...

musicsongbird

Saturday, January 10, 2015

2015...1.10

I love the days when you wake up and you are ready to do anything... You just feel totally inspired!

Well my day didn't really totally start out that way, mini migraine, slept until 9:30 but after the pain was conquered I was totally ready to do some things...

Mom and I went to our regular hot spot for a cup of joe... #Starbucks We just love their frappucinos... Then it was off on a shopping frenzy... Well maybe not a frenzy but it was certainly enjoyable...

I hauled stones and rock today to help Mom with an outside project and boy do I feel pumped... Sometimes it's just nice to get outside and do something active, which I know I need to do more of...

We watched a great movie, "The Hundred Foot Journey," and had breakfast for dinner... We talked with my Oldest Brother and Sister-in-law and watched one of our favorite cooking shows, The Kitchen...

It doesn't seem like much but this was a great day... Yes we did a lot of stuff but we did it together... We laughed and joked and just had a really food time... We didn't worry about the time or if we were being silly we didn't worry about what others thought... We were just being who we are...

So very often we plan our days down to the second... But sometimes we just need to slow down and do something different... To stop worrying about when this is going to get done or when we are going to have time to do that... We just took it as it comes...

Life is too short... Don't let it pass you buy while you are being to busy or in too much of a hurry... Enjoy the little moments...

Musicsongbird

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

2015...1.7

I went and saw the movie "Annie" tonight with BFF... I have heard mixed reviews but I have to say that I absolutely enjoyed it... I love the original movie but this was a fresh take on an old classic... Quvenzhane Wallis was so good as Annie and I loved Jamie Foxx and Cameron Diaz..

There is an incredible moving song towards the end of the movie sung by Annie, Mr Stacks and Ms. Hannigan...


Who am I, what have I become?
Do I stand for something, or for money?
Who am I, where's my good girl gone?
You know I had a good heart once, you see.

Who am I, now that my armor's gone
I gave you what I didn't know I needed.
Who am I, now that my heart has won?
I didn't know I need....anyone.

(Chorus)
But I've got today, I've got to make,
The best I can of it.
'Cause yesterday is dead and gone,
And me along with it.

I want to start again, so I'll look within
Remember when I'd want in?
'Cause I don't know who I've become
But I will trust in it.
But I will trust in it. 

Who am I to spend my life alone?
Forever looking for some place to call home.
Who am I, about to meet myself?
This should feel right but something don't.

I will trust in it (10x)
But today, I've got to make,
The best I can of it.
'Cause yesterday is dead and gone
And me along with it
I want to start again (spoken and sung)


I feel like this song spoke volumes to me... So very often I find myself making these huge plans and something happens and I begin to doubt myself... That maybe I failed at this same thing before and what makes me think I can do it for certain this time...I need a reminder that yesterday is gone and I need to leave it as such... I need to work for today and what is to come tomorrow... 


musicsongbird

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

2015...1.6

A lot on my mind tonight... A lot I need to think about... Sometimes this isn't the platform for me right away... Some ideas need time before I share them... Some come right away...

Everyone has a story, everyone was their journey, I just hope mine speaks to someone and helps them along their way... Maybe they will learn from my mistakes and successes to help them along their way...

musicsongbird

Monday, January 5, 2015

2015...1.5

It's amazing what you can learn from of all things, Reality TV... Say what you want but Mom and I like watching Sister Wives... I am not here to debate the show and I am just telling you what I have learned from this... One of the sons has Asperger's... 

If you aren't sure what it is???
  a developmental disorder characterized by severely impaired social skills, repetitive behaviors and often, a narrow set of interests, but not involving delayed development of linguistic and cognitive abilities: now considered on of the autism spectrum disorders.

Now, why does it matter that I learned something about this??? Well, my nephew has Asperger's and honestly I never really understood exactly what it was. Well while watching Sister Wives, we heard directly from Dayton, Robyn's Son, what Asperger's is and how it effects him... And the crazy thing is is that as he spoke I felt like it was my nephew talking... All of his mannerisms, his thoughtfulness in the way he spoke... 

Did you know many historical figures were suspected of having Asperger's??? 

Albert Einstein
Benjamin Franklin
Thomas Jefferson
Hans Christian Anderson
Sir Alfred Hitchcock
Jim Henson
Wolfgang Mozart
Jane Austen

These names were great men and women of science, politics, music, literature and entertainment and they didn't let the fact that their minds work a little different to hold them back... 


I see greatness in my nephew and I pray that he will find that one thing that he wants more than ever for himself and achieve it...


musicsongbird












Sunday, January 4, 2015

2015...1.4

Today was a day of laughter... the down side was that if something made me laugh hard enough, the coughing would start.. and the harder I laughed the worse the coughing got... It was almost to the point where I thought I was going to blackout... That's all I need... to laugh so hard that the coughing knocks me out and I wake up on a stretcher in the ER... How would they explain THAT to workman's comp...

No, I was able to calm down and after two puffs on my inhaler and a Halls honey cough drop, I was able to function again... I just can't speak about the jeggings again, until the bronchitis is completely gone...

Sometimes just finding something really inconsequential to laugh at is the best medicine... There have been times lately that I feel like I haven't laughed, like REALLY laughed in a long time and after I do, even if it almost causes me to blackout... I feel so much better...

Find a reason to laugh today... it makes your heart joyful...
musicsongbird

Saturday, January 3, 2015

2015...1.3

We have been working on taking down the Christmas decorations and so I decided to organize them a little more than last year and so I'm not only taking time to find the right spot to place the decorations, I am also remembering Christmas's past...

The one Christmas that stuck in my head was the year my niece and nephew helped me put up the Christmas tree... My nephew was somewhere around 6 years old and my niece was around 13... My nephew had us in stitches with his vivid imagination... He was laying eggs and they were going to hatch... We spent the evening waiting for the "blessed event" and instead of singing Christmas Carols we sang songs from "Thoroughly Modern Millie"...

Not conventional by any means, but it was a special time we spent together... It's the times that make me miss being in Missouri with my family... But then I am reminded that the times they come down here to visit are the new old memories we are making and I cherish everyone...

This Christmas was far from traditional... I spent it with my borrowed family... We had Christmas part 1 on the 23rd, filled with love and laughter and presents, food, wrapping paper fights and many new memories of the youngest nephew's first Christmas, and my first Christmas with my youngest niece... It made my heart smile to see the joy in her face when she opened each gift and how she gave hugs all around thanking everyone... Then celebrating that evening by seeing Christmas Vacation for my first time... It's so funny but I think what made it even funnier is sharing the laughter and jokes with each other...  On Christmas Eve morning we awoke to presents from Santa for the nephews and gift exchanges with the rest of the family... We had a wonderful breakfast and more times to talk and share... and then it was time for BFF and I to head North for one more celebration... I had the opportunity once again to sing at Church, but this time it was for the Christmas Eve Service... I was honored to perform my very favorite Christmas Carol, "O Holy Night"... Following Church Mom, BFF and I headed to Denny's for our annual Christmas Eve dinner... When we were sat it took awhile for our server to come to our table but when we did, I realized it was the same server we had last year... Our dinner was delicious and it was so nice to relive the past few days with my Mom... Then we headed home to exchange our gifts before we all said goodnight...

No, this definitely wasn't a traditional Christmas by any stretch, but since moving here it really hasn't been for many years... But I heard something on the radio that made me realize something... This time of year is when we celebrate the birth of Christ, even though it probably isn't the exact day and it may not even be the right time of year, but this is the time we come together in his honor to spend special times with our family and friends... Some people are able to spend the actual Holiday date together and some celebrate early and some late, but what it comes down to is finding the peace and joy and love in this time of year and carrying it on...

To be honest, when I first moved here it was really hard to realize that my Christmas's weren't ever going to be the same... No Missouri/Illinois Family to celebrate with... To have Queso, Rye Bread Pizzas and White Castles on Christmas Eve and unwrap presents after going to look at Christmas Lights... Then maybe Christmas dinner the next day... No, now maybe we skype or the family passes around the telephone so we get to talk with everyone... It's not the same, but maybe some day we will have the chance to be together for Christmas again...

But for this year, I was happy I was able to see and spend time with my borrowed family, even if the schedule was a little different and spend time with my mom as well...


musicsongbird


Friday, January 2, 2015

2015...1.2

Oh my what a day... Lot's of shopping... Can't believe there is actually STILL Christmas bargains to be had... Well there was until Mom and I grabbed them... ;)

Customer service... We all love when we receive great CS, yet we don't really talk about it much... However, when we receive terrible CS, it's like we text, tweet, FB, instagram, pinterest, blog and tell everyone we know about it... Well, I have really been the receiver of pretty bad Customer service the past few times I have gone to get something to eat... I know I work for the company that wrote the book on World Class Customer Service, but there are times that I feel as though no other company trains it anymore...

Don't people know that if you have a line, you at least acknowledge the other people in line so they don't feel ignored???   Or whatever happened to smiling... Is everyone shot up with botox now that they can't show emotion... I know working in customer service can be a thankless job at times, but seriously, thank the customer for coming in! Even if they don't buy anything!

I was shopping with a less fluffy friend at a store that dealt with less fluffy sized customers... DId they look down their noses at me because I couldn't fit one of my thighs let alone an entire leg in one pair of their pants? No they smiled and welcomed me into their store. Let me know about specials AND asked if there was anything they could help me find...  They didn't make a snap judgement based on my size, they just knew I was a customer that came into browse... I guarantee that if my thigh were ever the right size I would go back there in an instant...

A  lot of times when I shop I really pay attention to the service I receive because if it isn't good or if the employee moral is bad, I have a tendency to go a very long time before returning to the shop if I even go back at all...

I know everyone has a bad day, but as the employee you also have to remember, that during those time periods you are working, you need to try to keep your personal life in your car or locker or better yet at home...

Make each person feel special...

Musicsongbird

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015...1.1

Happy New Year!
I was so excited this morning when I stepped on the scale to find I had lost 3.6 pounds...and it only took me...

1 year... I know you are so impressed but for me this feels incredible...

In 2013 I gained 26.6 pounds from January to January...In 2012 I gained 21.6...In 2011 I gained 7 pounds...In 2010 I gained 29.8 pounds.... I can go on but I think you get the picture...

This is my first overall loss in years... This is huge for me... Too me it means I am heading in the right direction...

I have had a rough year health wise... I started out 2014 in the ER, many, many, many migraines, had an accident at work and found out I have arthritis in my knees... Then I had a car accident at the beginning of November and took my first ambulance ride... And to round out the year, I have been battling the aftermath of acute bronchitis since Thanksgiving...

Now we have a new year, a fresh start... I have made and broken many resolutions in the past so I will refrain for making such boastful statements about what I plan to accomplish with the new year, what habits I will break and the resolutions I will make...

All I want for myself this year, is to continue following the path of healing I am on... Not just physically but mentally and emotionally... I ask God to help me strengthen my faith, my self-esteem and to continue to be an encourager to others...

On a side note: My personal goal is to share many wonderful and inspiring stories about my life and the lives of those around me... As always, I won't name names...

Happy New Year...

Musicsongbird