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Showing posts from 2015

2015...10.21

With my birthday rapidly approaching I realized something... I'm at that year that many of my friends have already past; the year that you just aren't into it... The year you just don't want to get a year older... The year you don't want to admit you are a year older... I'm only tuning 42, but for some reason this year it's more than that and I just am not excited and believe me I am person that gets excited for Birthdays...

This year I feel as though maybe it's just going to be another day and it really doesn't matter and it will pass like any other day...

just like this post...

2015...8.30

If you don't care for a parent or a loved one you probably won't understand but maybe this will help you understand what someone goes through that does... Maybe you know or maybe you don't but I live with my amazing 71 almost 72 year young mom... It is my pleasure to share my life and home with her... Which it is actually her home but it is our home but anyway we are roomies and we take care of each other...However it is slowly becoming me taking care of her and it's OK...

And I say that because for  most of my life she has taken care of me... Because that is what parents are there for... They made us... and the good ones watch over us and still try and take care of us, even when we don't necessarily want them too, even though we secretly want them too, but we don't want to admit it...

Well, this past Friday my sweet Mom had carpal tunnel surgery and being the only child living with her and living near her, I had to take her to the surgery center and wait and b…

2015...8.18

I don't know which way is up right now... A lot of internal struggle going on... Work is fine for once... Things slowing down... Starting to make sense... But personally coming to many conclusions in my mind after a great staycation with the SIL... Sister in Law... Thoughts about personal fears and such, things I am not really ready to reveal... Not feeling confident in how much I truly wish to share...

Another wall I must learn to go over, or better yet bust through but this one is going to need huge dynamite... This one is going to need something even bigger than what it took to realize that I am a survivor... 
Because admitting you are a survivor is one thing, facing fears that come with being one is a whole new journey...
On top of it I am dealing with emotions over another situation involving someone near and dear that I want to talk to them about something but am afraid to broach the subject because I feel as though they already know how I feel but I don't think they are…

2015...7.29

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Why Peace? Why a semi colon? Why a heart? Why a tattoo on the inside of my wrist?
It is kind of funny how those are the questions I really haven't received... Most everyone has just looked and said, hmm... pretty... or nice...  So first things first... The semi colon... For those that don't understand the meaning of the semi colon movement, here it is in a nut shell, straight from the website... Amy Bleuel of Green Bay, Wisconsin; founded the non-profit Project Semicolon in 2013, a decade after losing her father to suicide and in the wake of her own years of despair and self-injury, to try and provide hope and support for people with mental illness.
“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to,” explains the website for her faith-based movement. “The author is you and the sentence is your life.”
So when I read this story about the project I knew my newest art project had to include something that would help bring me meaning and pe…

2015...6.3

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It absolutely amazes me what I am learning about myself and the world around me this week and I feel a bit of a roll coming on...

First I have to say I took myself on a date this past week and allowed some time for myself, just me. No texting friends, but going out and seeing a movie, doing some shopping and just having some alone time and it was quite refreshing... Then I did something I don't normally do, I took a vacation day so I could go to a doctor's appointment or two and then spend some time with the bestie... And I had an incredibly fun and relaxing day... I laughed, I cried a little, I laughed some more, I may have screamed once... maybe twice, just to get a reaction from BFF really and I learned something about myself...

I have always had an extremely hard time expressing myself when I am confronted face to face in a personal situation... Work not so much but personal definitely... Ask the BFF... But when it comes to writing out my thoughts and feelings and emotions…

2015...5.30

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One of the hardest things about living your life out loud is that when you try something and you don't succeed, and then later you attempt that thing again you feel as though you will be judged for it, but in reality, the judgement usually is the judgement you are really feeling form yourself... So often we are worse on ourselves than we are on others... We are our worst critics...

We need to start a new path of positive self talk... Instead of negative talk like... I am so stupid, I am so fat, I am so ugly, I am no good for anyone, etc. etc... We need to start telling ourselves we are worth it, we are beautiful, we are smart, that we are worth it...

So start the positive self speak!

Musicsongbird

2015...5.21

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift...

It's really funny... I used to sit in weight watchers meetings years ago dreaming of the time when I would reach my goal weight and when I would get the opportunity to share my knowledge and my encouragement with others on their weight-loss journey and become a WW leader... Well sadly I failed at Weight Watchers, OK maybe I didn't fail but I gave up on it... I think the point counting got to be to much for me and I got bored with it so like so many other "diet" programs over my life, I quit...

But I have never given up on that desire to help others on their journey... I guess that is why despite being severely overweight I am still so very passionate about the Healthy Pursuits program at work, because I feel like this finally something that is speaking to me and little by little it helping motivate me... But sadly i still have a few friends that are TOO over zealous and TOO pushy and trying to make me d…

2015...5.17

I don't understand why people stay in relationships where they are treated like they aren't worth anything, like their opinion is worthless, where they can't go where they want or do what they want without having to report back to the other person, who they aren't even married to... I mean I know mentally some people stay because they truly don't believe they deserve anyone better or that person provides them with a sense of belonging in some twisted way but maybe I have seen to many hurt by relationships like this to just stand by and watch it happen to one more person... 
There is only so much damage you can stand on the sidelines and watch happen before you make the decision to walk away or step in and ask what they are doing? Because, sometimes I honestly don't know if they realize where they are headed when they are finally forced to face the truth... Once someone is brave enough to step out of their comfort zone and show them what is going on...
Either wa…

2015...5.14

I don't know why I have been putting off writing for so long... I know it is like my other form of therapy and honestly it is so much cheaper and less time consuming and sometimes a lot more emotionally freeing... But I am back, for now...

So much has been going on so many thoughts and emotions trying to keep them from taking control and sadly this was not the week that they stayed in their boxes... They escaped like the evil little creatures they can be...

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster without a secure restraint... My emotions just taking over and not letting me have any kind of control from time to time... The tears just spilling over and rolling down my face... But thankfully there were several little heroes that stood beside me and held my hand and let me cry and get through the pain, fear, anxiety and hurt that I was feeling and I now feel as though I am seeing things clearer once again...

I am realizing that I am not allowing myself enough time for myself... I …

2015...3.30

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This has been a very eye opening month... I went the first 24 days of the month without eating extra sugar... Like no cakes or candy or desserts... etc... I stuck with the natural sweets like fruit or granola as a treat... I did go some numbers not saying how many but was feeling better and than vacation arrived... Well needless to say I indulged on everything from Cakes, donuts and candies to the kitchen sink... literally we had the kitchen sink...

Well after five days of this devil may care attitude I can honestly say that I am happy to be back on track and eating the right foods again... I know it's OK to have small bites now and then but going overboard doesn't do anything but make you feel gross and miserable... At one point during my vacation we stopped at a gas station to use the facilities and get something to drink and a little snack and I grabbed a giant Reese's Fast Break bar. First of all, why I found it necessary to grab the king size version instead of the re…

2015...3.12

I was fortunate to get to see the sun come up over Epcot this morning as I participated in a Be Well Cast Event... Myself along with a couple hundred Cast Members from all over property rose with the sun to come together to stretch and shake things up in front of the the fountain of Nations at Epcot and then take a stroll around World Showcase where surprise visitors waited for us around every turn...

We were greeted by my pal Fitz who was then joined by our Disney Ambassador team to welcome us to the Event... Fitz then returned to lead us in a giant group warm up to get us pumped up and ready to walk... She even went as far to create our very own workout called the "Cast Member Stomp"... She was quickly followed by our Park VP Sam Lau who finished off our welcome by bringing the BIG CHEESE himself to the stage "Mickey Mouse" and counting us down to take our walk...

As we walked the promenade we saw all of the beautiful topiary that line the lagoon for the Flower a…

2015...3.11

So today was another goodbye Wednesday... They will begin happening more frequently now, since it is arrival time once again... About every two weeks my Germany and Norwegian cast that came a year ago will begin to leave to go home and my new cast will begin to arrive to start their one year programs and so my journey with them will end and begin again...

Many of my co-workers say how they don't get attached but I see how hard it gets for them when certain cast leave as well... I can honestly say it isn't every cast member that leaves that makes me sad because it isn't every single one that you make that special connection with but I would say for me it's a good chunk...

I always do my goodbye visits the same, Norway in the morning and Germany in the afternoon... And today was no different... However today I was saying goodbye to four that I have been very close to throughout this past year... And needless to same I left with tears in my eyes and on my cheeks, despite …

2015...3.8

So it's been a bit again but I have been working hard... I have been working for an entire 8 days of avoiding the sugary items and am feeling great!!!  Beginning March 1st, I said no more cookies, cakes, candies, etc... etc... etc.... I did have Oprah's Iced Chai Tea Latte at Starbuck's yesterday but that was the closest I came to "being bad"... Also didn't really snack this week either unless it was on a single serving of granola, yogurt or fresh fruit.... The strawberries are SOOOOO good right now....

I know I have been talking about the health challenge at work but I really have to give a shout out to my corner plus a few extras at work that are participating... We are working really hard to get healthy and I am so proud of everyone that is really making a n effort I am glad we are all really supporting each other... I hope we can continue this after the competition ends next month...

I also have to give a should out to my new favorite person Fitz... She i…

2015...2.27

So I am pretty sure my Mom knows every date by heart of when I have blogged... Today she informed me of when my last blog was and if I had asked she probably could have told me what I wrote about... If I haven't said it before, I probably should, this time around I decided that I wanted to give myself more freedom... I felt like when I was blogging everyday, I was forcing myself some days to come up with something to write... This time, it is when I am feeling especially thoughtful or passionate about a particular topic...

I guess I am finally feeling it is time once again...

Over the past month I have been participating in a Health Challenge at work, kind of a biggest loser type competition...Where we compete as teams... I am the health champion for our office and so I send out email reminders to our team's participants about weekly weigh ins and stuff...

I may have said this before but I feel like I need to say it again... I may be overweight, but I still know a lot about nu…

2015...1.31

I don't know if anyone noticed that I return to my original blog title, Skinny Girl in a Fat Girl's Body... But I realized something when I switched it back... I didn't change it because I had a change of mind but because someone else didn't like it... But this is how I feel... I am a skinny girl under all of these layers... These layers of pain and shame I put on my body over the years... And my new goal is to peel them away one pound at a time...

I no longer feel the pain and the shame of my past... Tomorrow begins a new challenge for me... We are doing a Health challenge at work which will require us to not only track the exercise we get but also we will be completing weekly weigh ins.... I am really excited to see where this takes me over the next two months and beyond...

I just know I will take it one step at a time...

Musicsongbird

2015...1.26

If you have never suffered from migraines or had a friend or loved one that has than please don't judge... Many people like me suffer in silence because we don't want to be a burden on anyone...

If you have never suffered from a migraine, let me walk you through what happens to me...

It usually starts out with a dull pain in either my temple or the crown of my head... If I don't do something quick enough, it will gradually grow in pressure... I will start to get the chills and or cold sweats... I lose the color in my face, I go pale... And if it gets bad enough I may lose whatever is in my stomach...

Sometime taking OTC extra strength migraine meds, an ice pack (cold baby chew toy) and a few hours sleep will take care of it, however sometimes the pain doesn't go away completely.... I have had migraines last for days... Where the dull pain hangs on... That's what happened this past weekend...

I am seeking medical help for this continual issue so your prayers are app…

2015...1.20

So this is it... There is a park wide Wellness event beginning February 1st and I am going to participate and really stick to it for it's entirety... Basically it is like the Biggest Loser, but minus Alison, Bob, Dolvett, Jennifer, Jessie, Cheryl, Dr. Huzienga, Dr. Dansinger, a BIG cash prize and corporate sponsors ... See totally the same but very different...

It's an opportunity to have the support of a team, that have a common goal of beating the other teams you are competing against for total bragging rights...and getting healthier in the process  ;)

So, anyone that knows me, knows I have a tendency to make fun of myself so others can't... Total reaction to being bullied as a younger self... Well today was no exception... We were talking about the wellness event and I said, "isn't it funny that the fat girl (meaning myself), is the one leading the health and wellness challenge."  I expected someone to agree with me, but the reaction I received from one co…

2015...1.18

Doing better today than yesterday, but that really is the goal isn't it? Welcomed 4 new cast members into my locations and started the goodbyes once again... It's that time of year when my cultural reps begin their final shifts before heading home to begin their lives after Disney...
This isn't my first rodeo with goodbyes, since I have been working for Disney for over 7 years, but there are certain cast members you really get attached to... It's like when you have family that have been visiting and they live in another state and it's time for them to go home, it can become a little emotional... 
I am excited because they are beginning some health challenges at work in the next few weeks and I plan on participating... I remember what it felt like when I played volleyball and it felt so good to be active... What it felt like when I joined a gym all those years ago... 
I need to stop making excuses for what I don't do... Celebrate what I do... And cheer myself on…

2015...1.17

Today has been a struggle... Who am I kidding, most of the week has been a struggle... I started off with the doctors appointment telling me I still have bronchitis and I missed 2 days of work because of it... Then on Tuesday I started experiencing this insane itching all over my back and other spots on my body... After realizing it wasn't a flea attack from the cats, and knowing I hadn't changed anything in my soaps or detergents, I came to the conclusion that it was probably the antibiotic I had started Sunday...

Well, I am on a new antibiotic and an anti-itch medicine, I am starting to feel better... Except that I had a horrible coughing fit today and as what I can best describe as a mental meltdown... My head just couldn't take much else at that point and I lost it... Tears pouring down my face for no reason...

But I am here, still breathing, although labored from time to time... I realize now that it was fear running rampant today because the itching in my back really…

2015...1.11

When is this bronchitis going to go away??? Just when I think I am doing better, BAM, I am sick again... Or still...

When I was checking out at the pharmacy the young lady ringing me out commented on how crazy they have been with people being sick, the x-ray technician that performed my chest x-rays commented on  how a lot of people are coming through sick and then I turn on the radio on the way home to a commercial talking about the flu epidemic going on here in Orlando and I feel thankful it is only acute bronchitis...

Thank you BFF for convincing me to go back to the doctor. I have had some trepidation about going but I know it was what was for my best...

I will now close and tell you all to be well and take good care of yourself... Listen to your body...

musicsongbird

2015...1.10

I love the days when you wake up and you are ready to do anything... You just feel totally inspired!

Well my day didn't really totally start out that way, mini migraine, slept until 9:30 but after the pain was conquered I was totally ready to do some things...

Mom and I went to our regular hot spot for a cup of joe... #Starbucks We just love their frappucinos... Then it was off on a shopping frenzy... Well maybe not a frenzy but it was certainly enjoyable...

I hauled stones and rock today to help Mom with an outside project and boy do I feel pumped... Sometimes it's just nice to get outside and do something active, which I know I need to do more of...

We watched a great movie, "The Hundred Foot Journey," and had breakfast for dinner... We talked with my Oldest Brother and Sister-in-law and watched one of our favorite cooking shows, The Kitchen...

It doesn't seem like much but this was a great day... Yes we did a lot of stuff but we did it together... We laughed …

2015...1.7

I went and saw the movie "Annie" tonight with BFF... I have heard mixed reviews but I have to say that I absolutely enjoyed it... I love the original movie but this was a fresh take on an old classic... Quvenzhane Wallis was so good as Annie and I loved Jamie Foxx and Cameron Diaz..

There is an incredible moving song towards the end of the movie sung by Annie, Mr Stacks and Ms. Hannigan...


Who am I, what have I become?
Do I stand for something, or for money?
Who am I, where's my good girl gone?
You know I had a good heart once, you see.
Who am I, now that my armor's gone
I gave you what I didn't know I needed.
Who am I, now that my heart has won?
I didn't know I need....anyone.
(Chorus)
But I've got today, I've got to make,
The best I can of it.
'Cause yesterday is dead and gone,
And me along with it.
I want to start again, so I'll look within
Remember when I'd want in?
'Cause I don't know who I've become
But I will trust in it. But I will trust…

2015...1.6

A lot on my mind tonight... A lot I need to think about... Sometimes this isn't the platform for me right away... Some ideas need time before I share them... Some come right away...
Everyone has a story, everyone was their journey, I just hope mine speaks to someone and helps them along their way... Maybe they will learn from my mistakes and successes to help them along their way...
musicsongbird

2015...1.5

It's amazing what you can learn from of all things, Reality TV... Say what you want but Mom and I like watching Sister Wives... I am not here to debate the show and I am just telling you what I have learned from this... One of the sons has Asperger's... 

If you aren't sure what it is???
a developmental disorder characterized by severely impaired social skills, repetitive behaviors and often, a narrow set of interests, but not involving delayed development of linguistic and cognitive abilities: now considered on of the autism spectrum disorders.

Now, why does it matter that I learned something about this??? Well, my nephew has Asperger's and honestly I never really understood exactly what it was. Well while watching Sister Wives, we heard directly from Dayton, Robyn's Son, what Asperger's is and how it effects him... And the crazy thing is is that as he spoke I felt like it was my nephew talking... All of his mannerisms, his thoughtfulness in the way he spoke... 

Di…

2015...1.4

Today was a day of laughter... the down side was that if something made me laugh hard enough, the coughing would start.. and the harder I laughed the worse the coughing got... It was almost to the point where I thought I was going to blackout... That's all I need... to laugh so hard that the coughing knocks me out and I wake up on a stretcher in the ER... How would they explain THAT to workman's comp...

No, I was able to calm down and after two puffs on my inhaler and a Halls honey cough drop, I was able to function again... I just can't speak about the jeggings again, until the bronchitis is completely gone...

Sometimes just finding something really inconsequential to laugh at is the best medicine... There have been times lately that I feel like I haven't laughed, like REALLY laughed in a long time and after I do, even if it almost causes me to blackout... I feel so much better...

Find a reason to laugh today... it makes your heart joyful...
musicsongbird

2015...1.3

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We have been working on taking down the Christmas decorations and so I decided to organize them a little more than last year and so I'm not only taking time to find the right spot to place the decorations, I am also remembering Christmas's past...

The one Christmas that stuck in my head was the year my niece and nephew helped me put up the Christmas tree... My nephew was somewhere around 6 years old and my niece was around 13... My nephew had us in stitches with his vivid imagination... He was laying eggs and they were going to hatch... We spent the evening waiting for the "blessed event" and instead of singing Christmas Carols we sang songs from "Thoroughly Modern Millie"...

Not conventional by any means, but it was a special time we spent together... It's the times that make me miss being in Missouri with my family... But then I am reminded that the times they come down here to visit are the new old memories we are making and I cherish everyone...

Thi…

2015...1.2

Oh my what a day... Lot's of shopping... Can't believe there is actually STILL Christmas bargains to be had... Well there was until Mom and I grabbed them... ;)

Customer service... We all love when we receive great CS, yet we don't really talk about it much... However, when we receive terrible CS, it's like we text, tweet, FB, instagram, pinterest, blog and tell everyone we know about it... Well, I have really been the receiver of pretty bad Customer service the past few times I have gone to get something to eat... I know I work for the company that wrote the book on World Class Customer Service, but there are times that I feel as though no other company trains it anymore...

Don't people know that if you have a line, you at least acknowledge the other people in line so they don't feel ignored???   Or whatever happened to smiling... Is everyone shot up with botox now that they can't show emotion... I know working in customer service can be a thankless job at…

2015...1.1

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Happy New Year!
I was so excited this morning when I stepped on the scale to find I had lost 3.6 pounds...and it only took me...

1 year... I know you are so impressed but for me this feels incredible...

In 2013 I gained 26.6 pounds from January to January...In 2012 I gained 21.6...In 2011 I gained 7 pounds...In 2010 I gained 29.8 pounds.... I can go on but I think you get the picture...

This is my first overall loss in years... This is huge for me... Too me it means I am heading in the right direction...

I have had a rough year health wise... I started out 2014 in the ER, many, many, many migraines, had an accident at work and found out I have arthritis in my knees... Then I had a car accident at the beginning of November and took my first ambulance ride... And to round out the year, I have been battling the aftermath of acute bronchitis since Thanksgiving...

Now we have a new year, a fresh start... I have made and broken many resolutions in the past so I will refrain for making such …