Saturday, June 14, 2014

now...

Months have passed since I have regularly posted anything... Many things have happened... 

I have come to terms with a few things in my life, I am sleeping a million times better and I am actively working on losing weight... 

As you may or may not know I have a hard time liking myself and it goes all the way back to the damage that was done by a family friend. A grown up my parents trusted. 

Looking back now I realize he treated me more like a girlfriend instead of the child I was. Buying me jewelry and sending me flowers, just not normal things a grown man should do for a 6-10 year old. 

I didn't truly realize that I had been abused until a few years ago and telling my brothers was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was part of my healing... I went through a year of therapy, I also spent about a year with a health/life coach. Each time peeling back the layers of hurt I buried myself in...

Then I was introduced me to my acupuncturist and I instantly felt a trust with her. She has been helping me dig through the emotional junk because the fat I carry is protect me... I wasn't a fat little kid. I didn't start over eating and emotional eating until I was in 4th grade. Then to add insult to injury, the kids, boys mostly started calling me names and making jokes about my size. I didn't wear a pair of pants or jeans that didn't have elastic in the waist band until I was a sophomore and I dropped 30 pounds in 30 days when I started playing volleyball.

On top of everything else, I was a Christian. I got saved in 6th grade and was a bible believing, christian message t-shirt wearing church kid. My friends in high school said I was most likely to become a minister. Even though I was horrible and terrified of public speaking back then.

In 1998 when my dad died from Lung Cancer, everything changed for me... I was angry at God for taking my Dad and even though I still believed I had so much pain, so I added more layers. Started building the boundaries around myself, putting on even more weight...

I have dealt with more than I ever thought I would and I am finally feeling like I have let go of so much, so much so that I am almost off of my happy pills completely... I am seeing life through different eyes now... Not clouded by hurt and pain and sadness... 

I was tested for sleep apnea and I am now on a sleep machine and I have never slept so well... I never thought I would ever get a great nights sleep...

Now down to the weight loss piece... Since October I have messaging back and forth with a friend of mine that was selling this weight loss product... I kept going back and forth in my mind about should I try it or shouldn't I and then I won a three day trial pack... Well, I tried it and I loved how I felt when I took it those three days... I loved it so much that I started taking it... last month... I know it was a span of almost 6 months before I actually decided to try it for myself but I did a lot of praying and reading up on it before I decided it was a risk I was willing to take... 

There are no guarantees in life except that God is going to love me no matter what and if I am good enough for him than I am good enough for me... I am worth taking a risk for... I can do this... I can enjoy food, but be a smaller, healthier me... 

If God can bring me through all of the emotional barriers I put up around myself... Then I have the Faith that he can help me get rid of the physical ones I have built around myself as well...

take a step...
Musicsongbird