Wednesday, June 25, 2014

it didn't just show up...

Sometimes it's just easier to give up then to keep going... It's easier to just give in to the mental battle going on inside me head and surrender... Everyday I read all of these great success stories of people losing weight and feeling better and I have trouble getting off the couch some days...  Even though I am taking Plexus, it isn't going to lose the weight on it's own... I have been through enough weight loss programs in my life to know that, but then I get on the scale and it's telling me that I am just not doing it... That the plexus isn't working and my head starts to say that you should just go for the money back guarantee... 
So STOP already... STOP the negative... STOP dooming myself to failure once again... I need to find a way off the couch... To stop the late evening snacking... The Plexus is helping me get my energy back and helping suppress my cravings, now I need to do my part in making sure I don't eat out of boredom or sadness... I need to get walking again and set myself some realistic goals... Small goals are the best to get you to the big accomplishments...

These small little battles will help me win the war... 

I can't expect for me to wake up one day and I am skinny fitting in a size 8. The weight didn't hide around the corner and wait for me to be alone so it could jump me... It took years for me to get to this size and I know it will take some time to lose it once and for all... 

I just need to believe in myself... I need to start making some changes and stick to the plan I have set before myself... 

Musicsongbird...






Monday, June 16, 2014

sick...

I have never had a job in my life where I have felt bad for calling in sick... but I do now... It's so silly because that is why we have sick pay or vacation bank so that when we get sick we stay home... But I feel bad... I can hear people in my head saying don't feel bad... Everything will take care of itself but I really love my job and miss it when I am not there... Sick I know... Mentally not physically even though I am...

I know my body needs rest so it can get better and being at work doesn't allow that...

So please pray for a speedy recovery for me... Coughing is so over rated...

musicsongbird

Saturday, June 14, 2014

now...

Months have passed since I have regularly posted anything... Many things have happened... 

I have come to terms with a few things in my life, I am sleeping a million times better and I am actively working on losing weight... 

As you may or may not know I have a hard time liking myself and it goes all the way back to the damage that was done by a family friend. A grown up my parents trusted. 

Looking back now I realize he treated me more like a girlfriend instead of the child I was. Buying me jewelry and sending me flowers, just not normal things a grown man should do for a 6-10 year old. 

I didn't truly realize that I had been abused until a few years ago and telling my brothers was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was part of my healing... I went through a year of therapy, I also spent about a year with a health/life coach. Each time peeling back the layers of hurt I buried myself in...

Then I was introduced me to my acupuncturist and I instantly felt a trust with her. She has been helping me dig through the emotional junk because the fat I carry is protect me... I wasn't a fat little kid. I didn't start over eating and emotional eating until I was in 4th grade. Then to add insult to injury, the kids, boys mostly started calling me names and making jokes about my size. I didn't wear a pair of pants or jeans that didn't have elastic in the waist band until I was a sophomore and I dropped 30 pounds in 30 days when I started playing volleyball.

On top of everything else, I was a Christian. I got saved in 6th grade and was a bible believing, christian message t-shirt wearing church kid. My friends in high school said I was most likely to become a minister. Even though I was horrible and terrified of public speaking back then.

In 1998 when my dad died from Lung Cancer, everything changed for me... I was angry at God for taking my Dad and even though I still believed I had so much pain, so I added more layers. Started building the boundaries around myself, putting on even more weight...

I have dealt with more than I ever thought I would and I am finally feeling like I have let go of so much, so much so that I am almost off of my happy pills completely... I am seeing life through different eyes now... Not clouded by hurt and pain and sadness... 

I was tested for sleep apnea and I am now on a sleep machine and I have never slept so well... I never thought I would ever get a great nights sleep...

Now down to the weight loss piece... Since October I have messaging back and forth with a friend of mine that was selling this weight loss product... I kept going back and forth in my mind about should I try it or shouldn't I and then I won a three day trial pack... Well, I tried it and I loved how I felt when I took it those three days... I loved it so much that I started taking it... last month... I know it was a span of almost 6 months before I actually decided to try it for myself but I did a lot of praying and reading up on it before I decided it was a risk I was willing to take... 

There are no guarantees in life except that God is going to love me no matter what and if I am good enough for him than I am good enough for me... I am worth taking a risk for... I can do this... I can enjoy food, but be a smaller, healthier me... 

If God can bring me through all of the emotional barriers I put up around myself... Then I have the Faith that he can help me get rid of the physical ones I have built around myself as well...

take a step...
Musicsongbird