Friday, July 5, 2013

Day 552...Year 2

I know I will always be a survivor of my childhood and I know that none of what happened to me is or was my fault nor will it ever be... But I realized again today how much it has truly effected my life and I need to stop giving it command over me... 

I wasn't born fat or "big boned"... In fact, I was a little twig up until around the 3rd grade... I think that is when the over eating started... Despite being athletic, food took it's toll on me... By about the 8th grade I weighed over 186 pounds... Looking back on it I wasn't huge but I wasn't able to wear the brands others wore... I remember getting excited because I found an Outback Red shirt that fit me... I didn't own a pair of blue jeans until I was in my later years of High School... I would wear leggings and stirrup pants... Trendy clothes just weren't made for girls my size... I think this is when I really started to adopt the "I don't care what others think about me, I'm going to be who I want to be" persona...

When I was in my 10th grade year I dropped about 30 pounds and I was wearing a 14/16 and even had a few tops that showed my tummy and I was so happy with that... But after graduation and the stress of moving away to college, I started to eat again for comfort and security and now all of these years later, I have allowed it to control my life...

I can't let it do that anymore... I am tired of feeling sleepy, I'm tired of running out of breathe easily... I want to feel comfortable in my own skin... 

Friends, as much as I love you all, I have to do this on my own...For to long I have attempted these things and let others know and the next thing I know, me and the manager at Coldstone are on a first name basis... The only thing I want from you is your moral support, not your advice...

I appreciate it but you have to understand that I am just 111 days away from turning the big 4-0... And I hate looking at myself in the mirror...I have seeing what I have allowed someone else's actions to control me as long as I have... I have got to start taking control of things myself...

I will win...
Musicsongbird