Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day 371...Year 2

Yesterday I spoke a little bit about uncovering some past hurt and today I think I need to explain it a little further... I have said this before but it bares repeating... Parents you need to teach your children that words hurt... Calling another kid; stupid, ugly, gay, fat, whale, grouch, I think you get my point, is unacceptable... They are especially unacceptable coming from you... Words like that stick with children...

Around the third grade I started emotional eating and thus began gaining weight... By the 8th grade I was 185 pounds... I was called fat, whale, lard ass, you name it... I didn't wear jeans until maybe my Junior Year in High School because they didn't make them for plus size girls back then... Thankfully or maybe unthankfully, I grew up with a very outgoing personality... So any pain I experienced from the names was buried down beneath the food and the fat and I became the funny, crazy girl... I realized early on in life, if I was the center of attention, no one would notice how fat I was, they would only see me or the me I wanted everyone to see... The reality is, I was and still am battling the pain from all of those years of hurt from others...

Anyone who has been hurt when they are younger by bullying handles it differently, but the same result is always true... That person grows up still hurting... For some, they create a world of fantasy around them where they are safe yet the hurt is still inside... For others, they close themselves off from others because they are afraid of getting hurt again... They keep a small group of close friends, but keeps everyone else at arms length...

We will just say what I had on Thursday is a break through, because it is to drawn out to truly explain what I went through to get to this point...  When I was feeling better I text my acupuncturist and asked her this simple question... "Why is it that when I was in therapy and seeing a life coach, they said knowing about my past hurts was enough, that I didn't need to know the specifics to get better? But now I am truly facing the hurt and calling it what it is, even though it hurts?" (OK, I know that was a big question) Her response was simple... They wanted to make sure I wasn't going to become more depressed and that I had a good support system. Now that those things are in place, I was prepared to face those things that hurt me the most...

I thank God that He has allowed the right people to come into my life to help me face these hurts... And I thank my Mom and my Dad for listening to me the night I didn't want to go... For not making me go and for God giving me the strength to say something, even though I didn't tell them why I didn't want to go...

Not everyone that reads this that has been hurt will have the courage to do what I have done... All I can tell you, is that you are strong enough to get past the hurt and pain... You owe it to yourself to find healing... You only get one chance at life and I am tired of wasting mine being sad... Of giving those that hurt me the power... They may have thought they had the power with their words and deeds back then, but I refuse to allow them to have it now...

Love, peace and you are strong...
Musicsongbird