Saturday, August 18, 2012

Day 231 of 365

Tonight was Hallmark Movie Night with my Mom and during the course of the movie she asked me if I had walked today, and I answered honestly. Yes, I walked back and forth between Mouse Gear and the trailer three times; of course she meant here at home, and I did not. I know she is afraid that I will end up failing, but if I did, which I won't be, it would not be her failure it would be mine. I know she wants the best for me and I want the best for myself as well, but it is my battle, not hers. 

My best friend treats me that way as well. That if I fail it is some reflection on him, but I am the one that chooses whether I walk or not, or if I eat a fatty cheeseburger or nachos or chocolate. They can't see it as their mistakes that they made when I am the one that, in their eyes, failed. 

I believe so many of us go through those feelings with people we love and care about. Maybe if I had been a better parent my child wouldn't have turned to alcohol and drugs. Maybe if I had been a better wife my husband wouldn't have cheated. When in the end the only person we can be responsible for is ourselves. I am not saying we need to stop caring about the health of others, but it can't be such a focus on them that we lose focus on ourselves. 

I am in no way saying these things about my Mom or BFF to condemn them but to reassure them that I appreciate their concern and love, but it can only come down to me in the end, whether I succeed or fail. 
I love you Mom and BFF, don't give up on me...

Love, peace and never give up, never surrender...
Musicsongbird

The song in my head tonight: 

Beautiful, Beautiful 
by: Francesca Battistelli

Don't know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it's pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful