Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Day 136 of 365


It's really strange that I felt in touch with Puck on Glee tonight, but growing up I progressively gained weight starting in around the 3rd grade, and of course as you get older kids get nastier and more mean. There was one boy in particular that felt the need to pick on me that lived around the block from me and we were at the same bus stop around 7th grade or so. 

Well, back about 25 years or so the girls all shopped at the mall stores like Limited Express, Eddie Baur, Merry Go Round... not exactly places that offered plus sized options. So of course I didn't wear blue jeans until probably High School and I wore not so fashionable stirrup pants or spandex leggings. There weren't stores like Lane Bryant or Torrid like there are today.  I was teased by being told I was "as big as a whale" or that I was ugly, and of course being considered an unpopular person back then I figured being weird was better than being an outcast. I loved the Monkees but so did my friends at the time. It was during their 20th reunion tour that their shows came back on TV and we became instant fans.  Than the New Kids became popular and I was an even bigger dork because I loved them too. But probably the worst thing that happened and the best was I really became passionate about being a Christian. So I was now known for wearing very outspoken Christian t-shirts. Like instead of the popular GOLD'S GYM shirts guys would wear, I would wear one that said GOD's GYM along with a bible verse. I know that acting out against the norm and making myself the "show" if you will, was my way of combating against all the horrible names and things that were said to me over those years. 

I know a lot of comedians says that they wanted to cause the laughter instead of being the butt of the laughter and I guess this was my way of turning the attention around. I know that's why I act as crazy as I do at work and when I am out with friends. I don't want to be that young fat girl that is being made fun of anymore. Another reason my whole self image is so screwed up. In my mind I don't feel like I weigh as much as I do, but the rub wholes in my pant thighs and the indention marks from my straps aren't because I am thin. It hurts when I look in the mirror because I can still hear those taunting voices from all of those years ago and my empty mind with nothing to say in return to protect myself. 

When you get to the end of High School you always try and be one of those Mostly Likely people they write up in the Senior Superlatives... But didn't get craziest dress or hair, not most likely to succeed, no best at anything, nothing... I was just another fish in the sea of 385. Even though a huge chunk of that sea (girls wise) at one point or another had read one of my infamous NKOTB story notebooks and probably read this blog now... But it still makes me sad to know that the words of one person or a small group of people still haunts me after all of these years. 

And all I can say to that is I may be fat but you will always be mean until you come to terms with the why behind it and until you ask for forgiveness from all of those you hurt with your mean words. So, for me to move forward, I forgive you, and now MY healing can begin.

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

You can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
'Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean

Lyrics from Mean by Taylor Swift

Love, peace and forgiveness
Musicsongbird