Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Day 60 of 365


So today I received a very sad phone call from a life long friend. She was checking on me to see how I was feeling and then ended her message by informing me that my favorite Monkee, Davy Jones, had passed away at 66 years young of a heart attack. Immediately I tore myself from my bed and ran to the computer to see if it was true. Alas, the headlines all spoke the truth. I immediately begin texting friends of the passing of the Manchester Cowboy, the cute short Monkee, our Daydream Believer.

When I text my friend in Cali she replied back with how weird it was that we were just talking about him last week, and as I look back that wasn't the only time I spoke of him last week. I was so looking forward to seeing him at the Flower Power Concert series in May, but that time will not come.

I spent the afternoon watching videos about the Monkees and reading about him online. The photo I have added above is from his Flower Power Concert Series performance at Epcot on 2008, my 1st Flower and Garden festival after moving to Florida. I still find the irony that in his concerts he would state that, "I used to be a heartthrob, now I am a coronary."

Davy, you will always be a heartthrob to me. Thank you for teaching me that being short just makes you that much cuter, it's ok to laugh at yourself, that when you fall in love you will get giant stars in your eyes and the tambourine is a complicated instrument and not everyone can play it and sway to the beat.

We will all miss our Daydream Believer...
Musicsongbird

Chip: 7A
Davy: What number is this Chip?
Chip and Other 3 Monkees: 7A!
Davy: Ok, you know what I mean, like don't get excited man, it's because I'm short I know.

Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings of the bluebird as she sings
The six o'clock alarm would never ring
But it rings and I rise wipe the sleep out of my eyes
The shavin' razor's cold, and it stings

Cheer up, sleepy Jean, oh what can it mean
To a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?

You once thought of me as a white knight on his steed
Now you know how happy I can be
Oh, and our good times start and end without dollar one to spend
But how much baby do we really need?

Cheer up, sleepy Jean, oh what can it mean
To a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Day 59 of 365

Woke up with an upset tummy, called in and then slept for 4 hours. Woke up with a migraine and its taking its toll on me...

<3 musicsongbird

Monday, February 27, 2012

Day 58 of 365

I write this for me so I guess I need to speak my mind. I am drowning... I feel like I am out of breath, exhausted. I love my job but I don't feel challenged. I don't feel like I am learning anything new. I know I can't go backwards, correction I refuse to go backwards, but going forward is a waiting game. I need to find something to be passionate about again. My best friend says I am fried... sometimes I wonder if the happy pills are doing their job anymore or maybe this is how I am meant to feel.

I know I can't be the only person that feels this way, it's just I feel like I am fighting a losing battle right now. If I go back and read the past 57 days I know they are so up and down and I know this past year has been an emotional roller coaster in it self, but I just don't know...

Usually you come back from vacation refreshed and ready to go again, but I just am not feeling that way.

<3
musicsongbird

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Day 57 of 365

Don't miss out on a good thing because of fear.

As many of you may or may not know, I work for a huge family entertainment company and we are trained on how to deal with every kind of situation and how to assist different guests with said situations. Besides Guests with Disabilities and language barriers we also cover celebrity guests. We are to treat them like anyone else, not make a big deal of out their presence and make them feel comfortable. So....

Ok, I was at LAX preparing to fly home to Orlando and we were forced to board a bus and be driven out to the middle of nowhere to a plane hanger of sorts to board. Well, they loaded as many of us on as could "comfortably" fit and we started off across the tarmac. As I was talking to my friend I noticed standing right behind him was Lauren Potter (Becky) from Glee. I was immediately start struck, but I tried to keep my cool. I made eye contact and smiled to the woman who was with her, I believe she is her mom, but never said a word. Once the bus stopped we all quickly shuffled onto the plane so we cold take off in time.

After the 4+ hour flight we got off the plane and made our way to be picked up, ass we were getting close to the exit we saw Lauren again but this time she was talking with another gentleman and as bad as I wanted to I didn't interrupt. So tonight I posted a little message to her on her FB page and guess what? She responded and said I should have said something.

I think what we tend to forget is that celebrities are just like you and I, they just have a bigger pay check. The fact that she actually took the time to personally respond was amazing and the next time I run into someone famous I will discretely let them know how great I think they are and for them to keep up the good work!

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease!
Musicsongbird

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Day 56 of 365

When did we stop having free will? Why is it that when something bad happens to someone, it is always someone else was the cause of their downfall? Example..and I will probably be shunned for my opinion but Whitney Houston's death. I have heard from some many people that it is all Bobby Brown's fault that she died. He was the one that gave her drugs and alcohol and she was good before him and he just made her bad.

We are all born with a thing called free will, so we can make the choice between right and wrong. I am not saying her death isn't tragic, because it was but who are we to blame someone else for the choices we make? This is why we are seeing so many people blaming others for their problems they have in life.

When I was a child I acted like a child, but when I became an adult I put away childish things... isn't blaming others for our own mistakes a childish thing? It's time to to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves.

That is why I am taking responsibility for my weight and finally going to get serious about it before I lose my life to soon. I have already lost so much due to the extra pounds.

so once again...

love, peace and I am going to try and stay away from things fried in grease...
Musicsongbird

Friday, February 24, 2012

Day 55 of 365

Home sweet home and bed sweet bed.....

For losing three hours I am exhausted....

Beauty is all around you if you chose to find it....
Look within first...

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease..
Musicsongbird

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Day 54 of 365

An amazing end to an amazing vacation. So much ro share but it will have to wait for one more day. Lots of.things I learned about myself and others this week.

For now thanks for sticking with me through my mediocre postings and hirrible typing from my phone.

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease.....
Musicsongbird

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Day 53 of 365

What a magical day we had in the happiest place on earth.



To exhausted to text.

Love. Peace and stay away from things fried in grease
Musicsongbird

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Day 52 of 365

Lesson for today, get down on a childs level sometime and really learn to play. I met my 2md cousin this evening. She is smart, outgoing, entertaining and she is only 3.5 years old. She reminded me how,to have fun tonight and she reminded me what unconditional love looks like.

Not only was I invited to tea but.she asked me to read a story with her on the floor. She only knew my bff and I for a few hours yet she gave us both hugs goodbye.

Kids are so willing to give others the benefit of the doubt and look beyond the physical appearance and get to know a person, why can't grownups do that as well?

Something to ponder...

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
Musicsongbird

Monday, February 20, 2012

Day 51 of 365

Another amazing day... Had a wonderful breakfast at home and then off to experience Santa Monica Pier and the surrounding area.

Sorry I dont uave.much more to say, my head is pounding.

Love, peace and stay away.from things fried in grease
Musicsongbird

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Day 50 of 365

This is very interesting because I am blogging from my phone tonightso please forgive any typos.

My friend anf I got tattoos friday night and I to explain to my bff about the reason behind why I chose the lotus flower. My life has been so cruddy over the past year, uncovering everything about my childhood and now finally being able to look at the beautiful flower I truly am. Also the chinese symbol for dream reminds me that its ok to dream. To never stop dreaming.

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
Musicsongbird

Day 49 of 365

What an incredible day. We went on a whale watching trip with Island Packers out of Ventura, CA and it was wonderful. They took our tour group out towards the Channel Islands. We had half a tour group that had to be taken to Santa Cruz island to be dropped off and so the boat flew through the water at 20 knots, which is about 23 miles per hour, which doesn't seem like it would be fast in a car but out on a choppy ocean its amazing. We sat near the bow and face into the biting wind I felt the ship and fall beneath my feet. I just allowed my knees to bend and straighten with each wave as if I were surfing. It was incredible.

The trip to Santa Cruz took a little over an hour but as we drew closer and closer the island resembled a land that time had forgotten. It had beautiful green hills and sharp cliffs, stretching out for 96 square miles. It was amazing. After half the group disembarked, those of us remaining on board for whale watching prepared to head off on the remainder of our adventure. We went down the coastline and then headed out towards Anacapa Island, where the lighthouse for the Channel Islands is housed. It is also home to hundreds of thousands of Sea lions which we were greeted by a cacophony of what resembled dog barking. The majority were on the beach staying warm while many came out close to the boat to see who these visitors were. It was so entertaining seeing them come close and "wave" to us with their flippers.

But soon we were on our way again. On two separate occasions the boat had to stop and head in a different direction to clean up a surprising ocean find. Mylar balloons were drifting in the water. It's hard to imagine that they would make it that far out into the ocean but unfortunately it happens. The worst part is that if we hadn't stopped to pull these out of the water a sea animal may have mistaken them for a jelly fish, eaten it and then it would have ended up causing the animals death.

As we continued our trip back towards land I just simply watched out into the horizon thinking about the majesty and glory of everything surrounding us. It was more beautiful than words and then we happened upon some common dolphins who followed along side our boat. They were jumping and swimming out in front, it was so incredible.

When we returned to dock sadly we had not seen any whales but we experienced a special time together. Two old friends sharing the beauty of nature and making memories for years to come.

love,peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Friday, February 17, 2012

Day 48 of 365

What an amazing adventure I have begun on. It began with a five hour flight to the other side of the country, then a short hour drive through the mountains to a fantastic friends home. Then anight of laughs, food, giant decadent cake, body maming and then fashion police...who is excited for another fun day tomorrow? Um, me please!

There is nothing better for the hearth than laughing and reminising with a good friend over yummy cake...

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease
musicsongbird

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Day 47 of 365

 A person who loves you should always send you a goodmorning and goodnight text even if you don't talk all day, just to let you know you're on their mind...


I saw this on my friends page today and it made me think how true this is. Nothing feels better than to receive a text or email from a friend or family member to just drop a line to say good morning or good night. 


This is short but sweet but if you are just thinking about someone, sometimes its nice to just drop a quick text and let them know you are thinking about them. 


love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease.
musicsongbird



Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Day 46 of 365

This has been such a crazy day. Waiting on word about my nephew, who is stable. They are still monitoring him, so please keep praying. To my co-worker going through similar issues due to her mother-in-law being in the hospital, it's been so very hard to focus. 

I feel that I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I am feeling just fried and ready for a change, a new challenge.

Has anyone else felt this way, or are you currently feeling this way? 

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Day 45 of 365

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise ... Laura Story


Tonight my best friend called and asked me to pray for a co-worker of his who was having a pretty serious medical issue at work. I said of course I would and then he said my prayers were better than his because I am so good. I told him that my prayers aren't any better than his. God listens to all of us. I am no theologian, I don't claim to be, I just know that I can go to God with anything. We also have to realize God doesn't always answer our requests the way we want Him to but if we are patient He will reveal His glory.


If any of my readers please pray for this sweet ailing woman and please pray for my nephew that was in a snowboarding accident tonight as well and in the ICU being monitored for a ruptured spleen. Please also pray for peace for my family.  Thank you...


Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...


Musicsongbird

Monday, February 13, 2012

Day 44 of 365

Magic is sometimes found in the smallest of places, when you least expect it. Ask almost anyone what their dream is and it could be anything huge or small. I have a wish list or dream list of what I would like to do while working for the mouse. Several of those dreams have come true. One was singing with CCM Artist Steven Curtis Chapman, another was to watch the Fireworks from a place normal people don't get to go, the top of the building on Main Street USA, but my most recent one happened tonight. At the end of each night there are official wavers that stand on the stage by the dancing fountain in front of Spaceship Earth and wave goodnight. I have always dreamed about getting to do such a thing and tonight it happened. I had taken my trainee to view Illuminations and was walking back to our area when I saw a co-trainer of mine waving goodnight from the stage. I ran over and asked how we could come up too. She directed me over to another one of the trainers and he let us up and the others shared their extra Mickey mits. We waved at passing Guests and posed and danced and yelled farewell greetings. It was incredible.

Even if I never get to do it again, I not only got to make magic for myself but I was able to share that magic with my trainee and the guests that waved back and smiled and laughed.

Find the magic in you!

Love and Peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Day 43 of 365

Is it me or does it sometime seem that the "Divas" of Music are doing it more for the accolades and adoration of millions then they are doing it for the love of music? I believe that Grammy New Artist winner, Bon Iver, was the most humble in his speech tonight. He said he creates music for the love of music. I wish I cold quote him verbatim but I love how he thanked the other nominees and the artists that will never be nominated. It was really very humble. I know what it's like to get in front of a crowd and sing and what the applause feels like, but I have to remind myself that the listeners response is not whats important. The emotional I feel from the music I am creating is what matters. I sing because I love the way it makes me feel. I feel confident and passionate and free. 
But isn't that how we should do everything in life? Be passionate about something positive, love the way it makes you feel. If you are a great artist be passionate about art, if you are a great cook, be passionate about it, if you have amazing management skills be passionate about it... do you understand what I am saying? Find your passion and pursue it.

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Day 42 of 365

Too soon...She was so young...Are you joking? Things I heard tonight from others about the passing of Musical Artist Whitney Houston. And I too agree with all of these statements. She was an amazing singer with a God given talent and it is very sad to see her life end so young.

As I type this I am reading those phrases and I am thinking, what if people said that about me? And my brain is yelling at me, saying if you don't get your weight under control they could be saying it about you. I know my doctor has told me I need to lose weight and I look in the mirror and see I need to lose it, but sometimes it's not enough. You see, I have learned I have a mind and body disconnect. When I went through my abuse my therapist said my mind went somewhere else, that's why I don't really remember actual incidents of the abuse, and my mind and body never really re-connected. But in those simple phrases I now realize that I need to take charge and reunite my mind and body to find peace in my soul and to get my life back in order.

It's amazing that this happened today because I started a new route this morning to a healthier me and I will persevere until I reach the finish line.

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Friday, February 10, 2012

Day 41 of 365

It's amazing what strangers will do for others. Today my bff and I were at the bank using the coin star machine and he bet that I had $30 in change, well the coins were slowing down but the total was slowly rising from $29.15 to $29.56 to $29.87 until it stopped at $29.96. Just 4 cents short of the illusive $30. When another bank patron walked up to get a cup of coffee and heard us talking, he reached in his pocket to hunt for another 4 pennies. He finally pulled out a dime and said, we are gonna get you there and threw it in the machine. We said thank you and he walked away. It just so amazes me sometimes that strangers can be so friendly and generous.

This has really encouraged me to begin paying it forward. We don't need to do it to announce to the world, look what I can do, but we need to think of others needs before our own.

Faith, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Day 40 of 365

I have to thank my mom and my best friend for taking me shopping today. I have been putting off buying new clothes for a year because I didn't want to admit I am wearing bigger sizes again but we went and I got a few new outfits. The sizes may not be smaller but they made me feel like I was beautiful, or at least cute. I am so excited to get to war these new outfits. I even thought about what accessories I would wear along with each outfit. 

We need to treat ourselves better than what we believe we deserve sometimes. I may preach about it, but I don't always believe it for myself and I need to start believing it. 

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Day 39 of 365

What an interesting and fun day. It's amazing what can happen when you choose to let go of your fears and just go for it. My best friend invited me to go out with him and a group of his friends from work tonight to celebrate his co-workers birthday. I had a reservations since I didn't really know this person other than two chance meetings, so I wasn't sure how I would be excepted, due to instances in the past with other friends of his that I had met. But I agreed to go.

Turns out two more of our mutal friends were there as well and we all had an amazing time. I met a few new people and liked them as well. For once I didn't allow my past experiences from hindering a fun opportunity to get out and meet some potential new friends!

I know this is short but it's late and I must say goodnight!

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease...
musicsongbird

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Day 38 of 365

Looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world... - Michael W. Smith

I think we all strive a greater meaning for our life. I am daughter, sister, Niece, Aunt, Friend, co-worker...but I want more. I want to be mother and wife and grandma, God willing. But for now all I feel is lonely. I have a wonderful mom, amazing brothers and sisters-in-law, loving family and friends but I still feel like I am missing out. 

Last night I ran into a co-worker I haven't seen in almost a year and we were talking about another former co-worker and he was talking about her and how he couldn't believe this 24 year old girl had never kissed a guy and how crazy that was and he kept going on about it. The whole time inside me I was screaming for him to shut up and that there is nothing wrong with her, but as I keep thinking about it maybe there isn't wrong with her but I feel like there is something wrong with me and maybe I am just not destined to be with anyone. To be everyone's best friend and favorite Aunt and co-worker etc, but never anything more than that. 

....
musicsongbird

Monday, February 6, 2012

Day 37 of 365

So very often I have people ask me where I get my energy. The truth is, the energy I have at work comes from my love of my job. I work for a company that allows me to do things I couldn't do at any other job I have ever had, and that is to make peoples dreams come true. To help them escape reality if even for a few hours and to become a kid again. How amazing is that? 

As my trainees, one of my other fellow trainers and I were waving goodbye to our departing guests tonight, one of the trainees turned to me and said, "can I keep you next to me for the rest of my program?" He was having so much fun he didn't want it to end. But that is how my job is everyday. I make sure that I have fun no matter what I am doing. When you stop having fun. it becomes work and then it just gets to be like any other job. 

If you love what you do then you will never work a day in your life. If you don't love what you are doing. find something else to do that you love. 

Love, peace and stay away from things fried in grease.
Musicsongbird

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Day 36 of 365

Forgiveness is never easy but in the end after the battle within ourselves to forgive that person has won and we can look back on the experience as part of our life then we are truly free.

For so long I always felt like the words I am sorry, were so hard to say, but in actuality the hardest words to say to someone is, I Forgive you. Anyone can take the blame to end a fight or to make things better but to forgive someone for hurting you or disappointing you is so much harder, because when we forgive we should also forget. Of course we are only human and most of us have a hard time forgetting especially when you go through something traumatic or heartbreaking, but if you forgive that person and let go of that pain and hurt and move on it will get easier. 

Each day gets easier for me and to forgive the monster is a hard thing to do, but if I want to truly find happiness in my life, I have to let go and forgive because if I don't move forward, what he did will always control my life and he has no right to that part of me. 

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

-Chris Tomlin

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Day 35 of 365

As you have been reading,if you've been reading my blog, Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't mean you are crazy. Depression is a chemical imbalance and it isn't something that just fixes itself. I have a friend that insists the depression they have is just something that comes and goes and they are fine. What they don't realize is that left untreated depression can get worse. 

If you know someone that is suffering from depression be a good friend and be willing to listen and give them the support they need to get help. I am thankful for the friend that listened to me. 

I am a survivor...
musicsongbird

Friday, February 3, 2012

Day 34 of 365

So, obviously I had to tell my brothers about this because for them to read this (if they chose to) would not be a great way for them to find out.  So I told my oldest brother first and let me tell you, it was easier to blog about here then it was to tell him.  I was so afraid of what his response would be, because I listened to the lies in my head. His response was not what I expected, it was one of love and concern. A few weeks later he called my mom with a problem of his own and said he didn't want me to know because I had enough on my plate dealing with all of this. I love him so much. Now when I told my middle brother, his response was so typical him. He asked me if I wanted him to add “the monster” to his hit list. I laughed and said, "if he hasn't paid for what he had done to me in this life, he will be held accountable when he stands before God."


I graduated from therapy as of November of this past year. But if I ever need to talk all I need to do is call and he will fit me in. As I look back on these past 38 years of my life there are so many things I should have been more proud of for myself, but when you grow up looking in a mirror and seeing nothing looking back it's hard. Thankfully, now I can look in the mirror and I see me looking back. So I am getting to know who me is, the real me. Not the show I put on at work or when I meet new people. The genuine me. For so long I hid me far away because I didn't want to get hurt again, but I am now ready to let the real me shine through.

Before I was a victim and now I am a survivor... 
Musicsongbird

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Day 33 of 365

This has been an emotionally draining few days, but in the end I know I will feel stronger and someone that needed to hear my story will begin a new chapter in their own road to recovery.

My friend and I were talking about dreams today. The dreams we have when we are children. Most young girls dream about finding a husband and getting married and having a family but I never really had that dream for myself. I always dreamed of marrying someone famous, nothing realistic.

I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been on a date,  never have had sex and I am 38 years old. I am not a lesbian either. I am sad scared little girl that is fighting to be free of a sentence I did not deserve.  A sentence to life in my own personal prison, trapped by the fear and the abuse caused by a sick man. I have spent  30+ years of my life in hiding. My therapist says I have a disconnect from my mind to my body. I know this is why I am the weight of two healthy adults. I hope and pray through this blog I am able to begin to tear down the wall I have built and reconnect with myself.

I know there are many of you that know me that are probably in shock...I can hear you saying, but she is so happy all of the time...but remember, most comedians are just as wounded but they use the funny side of life so they don't have to face the pain. So, I am ready to face the pain and get past it.

Before this I was a victim and now I am a survivor...
Musicsongbird

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Day 32 of 365

I am sure many friends and family members were completely shocked by my announcement yesterday, and believe me it took everything in me to post it. Because now it is no longer a secret. It's kind of strange because as soon as I acknowledged the pain and victimization I went through, almost immediately I wanted to tell others that have battled through similar situations. 


Even before therapy I had always had these little flashes in my memories of things that I thought may have happened to me during my childhood. I know a lot of people that have fond memories of all throughout their childhood, but for me it is very hard to remember things from when I was younger.  Only certain memories stick out in my mind, the ones with strong emotional attachments. Either extreme happiness or sadness. The only other way I remember is through photos and then sometimes I am not always sure. 

The person that hurt me was not a family member but they were treated as though they were apart of the family. My family trusted him with their most precious thing, me. I am so thankful my dad isn't alive to know of this man's betrayal. 

As far as specifics go, I do not know what exactly he did to me but I know enough that the time I spent with him as a 6-10 year old wasn't an Uncle and Niece like situation. I am so grateful that God gave me the strength and my parents the hearts to listen when I said I did not want to go with him again that last time. I just remember I hysterically cried because I didn't want to stay with him ever again. For a very long time I believed this memory was a bad dream, but I finally got up the courage to ask my mom if she remembered such an incidence, and she had. And that was all the confirmation I needed. This wasn't the only memory but it was the one that triggered us to the realization of what had actually gone on all of those years ago.  


Before therapy I was a victim and now I am a survivor...
Musicsongbird